Connie Chung’s Marital Advice

News item: Al and Tipper Gore announced last week they are separating after 40 years of marriage.

In this country, the average matrimonial union lasts about as long as a bar bet. So why would Al and Tipper call it quits two weeks after their 40th anniversary? (Hope they return the gifts.)

I have a few theories:

a) He bored her to death.
b) She slapped a parental warning label on his speeches.
c) He described their marriage as “an inconvenient truth.”
d) She threw up a little when they made out at the 2000 Democratic convention.

Then again, what do I know? When it comes to predicting the success or failure of connubial coupling, color me clueless. I firmly believe in the old adage that nobody knows what goes on inside a marriage, especially the people inside a marriage. [SIGNUP]

My wife and I just celebrated our 17th anniversary, and if I had to give one reason why we’re still married, I would say it’s because neither of us has succeeded in our attempts at spousal homicide. Thankfully, we can both laugh about it. (Cue guffaws.)

Truth is, I’d rather be waterboarded than try to understand my wife, and I’m sure she’d say the same. To me, the four most-feared words in a relationship are: “What are you thinking?” Better not to know. You’ll both live longer. And so will the relationship.

Connie Chung gets it.

When the former CBS News star — and long-time wife of schlock TV host Maury “Who Da Baby Daddy?” Povich — was recently asked what makes a good marriage, she said: “Never do anything together.”

Mad props, C, even though you’re kidding (or not.) Matrimonial togetherness is highly over-rated. Shared activities, like artificial sweeteners, should be used sparingly. If we were really honest about it, we would admit that hanging with our spouses less would make us treasure them more.

It’s simple, really. Take separate vacations. Avoid serious conversation, especially about Feelings and Deep Thoughts. Watch copious amounts of television. Use Facebook, Twitter and texting like they’re controlled substances. Whenever possible, pretend you don’t speak English.

And they say romance is dead. Shall we dance?