From the Bed of Big Daddy Graham

Longtime Philly comedian and radio guy Big Daddy Graham is currently recuperating from major back surgery and fighting throat cancer at the same time. He’s been off his overnight shift at WIP and in his bed 90 percent of the time. Every week he chronicles his recovery … and tells us just what the hell he’s thinking about while he’s spending all that time in sack.

ON THE MEDICAL FRONT
The tumor is gone! Now while I still have more radiations to go and the doctors are telling me the next few weeks are gonna be murder on me, this SHOULD be great cause for celebration, eh? Two things preventing this. One, I CAN’T EAT! For the last 10 days I have eaten no “solid” food other than my wife’s scrambled eggs. Two, what’s next? [SIGNUP]

Cancer is a powerful illness. The amount of text messages, phone calls, and Facebooks that I have received offering me great support has been amazing. Almost every one of them saying, “Anything I can do for you, just let me know. A ride to the hospital, anything.” While I found all of this profoundly compassionate, WHAT’S NEXT? Now that I’m cured, do you think these fantastic favors are gonna be offered to me if I have a bad cold?

“Hey, Big D, what’s wrong?”

“Ah, man, I think I got a tiny piece of glass in my foot or something.”

“Wow, that’s devastating. Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do for you, man. A ride to Rite-Aid, whatever you need, OK?”

What are the chances of that conversation? All this means is if I ever wanna get sympathy out of anyone again, I’m gonna have to come up with something WORSE than cancer. What a drag.

One other issue about my health I need to address. One of the messages that I received more than any other was how important it was for me to STAY POSITIVE. Now I dig that sentiment. It certainly means well. When someone would tell me to stay positive, I said, “I will.” I wasn’t gonna get in an argument over it.

But the fact is, I didn’t remain positive. All I did was lay around on my once fat ass and lament everything I did wrong with my life. Why did I drop out of college and break my Mom’s heart? Why did I ever sell my house in Sea Isle when I did? Why did I not make a move on Rita Donnatelli when I had her on her Mom’s basement couch? Only to find out later that the entire infield of my softball team had done her. Why DID I do this? Why DIDN’T I do that?

And my tumor is gone! So maybe having a NEGATIVE attitude can work just as well. Up yours, Tony Robbins.

FROM THE BED
You have any idea how many movies and TV shows I have seen recently where a normal human man, fighting someone with supernatural powers, gets thrown 20 feet in the air against the side of a car or a wall, and then they get right back up and continue to fight? You are not the one with the supernatural powers. You’re supposed to just lay there with every bone in your body broken. But NO, they get back up and get thrown another 30 feet down a flight of steps. When did this start? . . . . . .. .More on Sandra Bullock. First she expects us to believe that she had no idea her husband was surfing on a Hitler surfboard. When that didn’t quite work, she pulled the BABY CARD. There she is on the cover of People smiling into the eyes of her new adopted baby. WE GOTTA LOVE HER NOW, RIGHT? I think I’m gonna try this. The next time I do something stupid where I know I’m gonna catch hell from my wife, I’m gonna come strolling in the kitchen with an adopted baby from Indonesia. . . . . .

What did I tell you last week about LeBron? He’s a player with no position. He’s too hard to win with. Anyway, it’s hard to root for a team that would have someone like Delonte West on it. . . . Saw two horrible movies this week (Dr. Zhivago and Reds) where someone in the movie claimed to be a Bolshevik. Now I don’t even know what a Bolshevik is, but it sure sounds cooler that saying you’re a Democrat or a Republican or that you come from Jersey. So the next time you see me say, “Hey, Big Daddy, I hear you’re a Bolshevik.” And I’ll say, “Why, yes I am!” . . . . .Because of construction on 322, I have to take a different route to the hospital than I normally would. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever gone to Philly this way. This started about seven weeks ago. Every day I pass this older than dirt fire house that has a sign out front that simply says THANK YOU. Well, the first time I saw it, I naturally wondered who the fuck they were thanking. THEY’VE GOT SOME NERVE. But the sign just stays up and up. Every day. It never changes. So one day I decided the sign was thanking ME. See, I’m STAYING POSITIVE!

SHAMELESS PLUGS
Now is the time order my book, Last Call, the absolute perfect Father’s Day gift. Go to bigdaddygraham.com and a personalized autographed copy will be mailed to your home.

I will be performing at Sarcasm in Cherry Hill, Friday, June 4th at 8:30 p.m.. This will be my only non-Shore appearance till September, so I would love to see you.