Dear Kimberly: My Son Just Headed Off to College. How Do I Let Go?
After 18 years, my wife and I are officially “empty nesters.” What’s our role supposed to be now?
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Kimberly McGlonn is back with gentle wisdom to help you navigate life’s tough situations. Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column.
Dear Kimberly,
Our son recently left for his freshman year of college! My wife and I are so happy for him, but are struggling a bit. We have always been very involved in his education — he would call us overbearing — and the transition has been challenging for us. He has more independence now, and doesn’t want to tell us what classes he’s taking or what his schedule looks like. My wife asked him about sharing the syllabi for his classes with us and he flipped. We just want to make sure he’s succeeding. How do we make him see that? — Struggling to Let Go
Dear Struggling to Let Go,
This is a really big shift in your son’s life and undoubtedly, yours, as well. As parents, we spend years preparing our kids to make it on their own. And oftentimes, when the time comes for them to “take flight,” they’re not the ones floundering — we are!
A few weeks ago, when I dropped my only daughter off at college, I started working overtime to figure out what my next role in her life needed to be. As a mother who has always been really involved — she may have dramatically called me a “helicopter mom” on one occasion — I feel like I’m starting to figure it out.
When our kids are younger, we orchestrate every part of their lives: setting their calendar, deciding their meals, facilitating their friendships. We exist for years as their “managers.” But, as our kids grow, I’m finding it helpful to think of myself as my daughter’s “consultant,” instead. I’m there for her whenever — and I mean whenever — she needs me to give advice or talk her through a situation. I hear what she’s facing and I advise her. This perspective might help you recalibrate your desire for control and allow your son to feel he has the space this stage of his life requires.
I understand your anxiety about what he’s doing, when, and with whom, but I agree with your son. He needs room to experiment, and quite frankly, to make some mistakes. Once he feels like he has some autonomy, I’m optimistic he’ll invite you into his life as a college student and show you evidence of his success — though that doesn’t mean he’ll want to share all the details!
This is a transition for you all, and a beautiful chance for you to see how well you’ve set your son up for the independence adulthood demands.
I’d like to believe both your son and my daughter are going to do just fine.
With courage and care,
Kimberly
