Dear Kimberly: Will I Ever Find My “Special Someone”?

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Kimberly McGlonn is back with gentle wisdom to help you navigate life’s tough situations. Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column.

Dear Kimberly: What is the best approach to managing being single? I’m successful in so many parts of my life, and yet, I still feel like I’m failing when it comes to dating. How can I find some sense of acceptance as I deal with the waiting and navigate loneliness? — Lonely in Love

Dear Lonely In Love,

Given my own current state of singleness, I hear you — I truly do. Being single can be straight-up hard, and sometimes I get frustrated that just when every other part of my life is lining up, a romantic connection that gives me butterflies just hasn’t happened. I just rewatched both When Harry Met Sally and Love Jones and they both reminded me that I too want to find my “Darius.” And as someone who has fallen in love and has had my heart broken, I know the sense of isolation loneliness can cause. The truth is that love, in all its manifestations, matters. Being in love can be an incredible human experience. I mean, romantic love can change your life. It’s certainly, in more than one season, changed mine. But I think it’s important to recognize that feeling lonely does not mean we are unloved, or that love isn’t already present in our lives.

Sometimes, the experience of loneliness can feel like it’s gonna last forever; other times, it arrives in harder-to-hear whispers. In both instances, I’ve leaned into its arrival. So here’s what I’ve learned about swimming in a sea of loneliness:

Being single can actually be a valuable experience if we switch away from focusing on who’s not there and instead to appreciating who is there — which, most importantly, is you.

Not being partnered right now can actually create a powerful opportunity for your own self-discovery: the discovery of your passions, your curiosities, the uncovering of who you might want to grow into. And in that way, seasons of loneliness can be important staging grounds for who you need to become for the person who might in fact be on their way to you. I want you to feel encouraged to leverage being single in a way that allows you to start planting for the life you envision for yourself. I hope you take time to imagine yourself as having a pocket full of seeds, where the possibilities are limitless and you get to water the future you’re dreaming of. We can never control what sprouts, but we can plan with positivity. This framing has made my energy more interesting and more open. And when I think about it, it reflects the kind of energy/person I want to attract.

In the meantime, what are the tactical steps you can take to mediate the loneliness you feel? What has kept me encouraged when I’m sitting in the purgatory of singleness is going to the places that I enjoy, alone. Those places (currently art museums, public gardens, and pastry shops with seating so I can do some reading) bring me some temporary distraction, and also some peace. And who knows, maybe it’ll be in one of those kinds of places where I’ll meet someone who shares my authentic interests.

Another thing that’s helped me with calming my impatience is setting aside time to spend with people who are emotionally available. These are folks who, in perfectly platonic ways, meet my very human need for sincere connection and laughter. Their company helps me break through the inaccurate perception that I’m alone and stops me from feeling like there’s no one to bear witness to my life over time. So, I encourage you to intentionally strengthen your existing social bonds.

And remember this: It can be a real cure sometimes to just hold the hand of someone you care for deeply. Sometimes, we forget the power of having someone hold our hand or give us an affirming hug. I don’t think we ask our friends for affection enough, and it can be a powerful antidote to feeling like you’re invisible or not being experienced as a person. Find the courage to ask your friends to give you a firm hug and to hold your hand as you walk through this season of being single. Affection is a beautiful offering that our friends can make to us, and that we can make to our friends.

A final approach? Create new relationships, whether through volunteering, taking a class, or striking up a conversation with a stranger. Don’t be afraid to smile and say hello! Recently, I went on a quest to find the best place in Philly to get pancakes. I walked into a restaurant alone and struck up a conversation with the person standing in line in front of me. Turns out, she too was on a mission to find a great pancake (and was also dining alone), so I invited her to eat with me. We had a great conversation, she gave me a great book recommendation, and we ended breakfast by following each other on socials. No, it wasn’t a romantic connection, but it was a connection nonetheless!

Now, I know talking to strangers isn’t the easiest thing (and committing to an entire meal is no small feat!). And I’ll admit it can be super intimidating to see someone you think is interesting, let alone attractive, and to throw them a compliment. But the path to ending loneliness is at least in part built with the bridges we create for ourselves. Don’t be afraid to build a bridge!

And when all else fails, remember: This too shall pass.

With courage and care,
Kimberly