SkyMall Is Closing: 10 Bizarre Items You Will Never Be Able to Buy On an Airplane Again


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Your days to buy men’s compression shirts like these are numbered. | Photo via SkyMall.

In very sad retail news, SkyMall filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy yesterday. This means that your days of settling back in the warm embrace of an American Airlines chair and flipping through the SkyMall catalog are over. But what will become of all the massage chairs and life-size medieval knight statues? Before your days of ordering such things are gone forever, here are some of the best items the in-flight mall has to offer. Enjoy.

1. King Tut’s Egyptian Throne.
Authenticity questionable.

TUT

Price: $1,250. Buy it here, you crazy thing.

 2. Inflatable Movie Screen.
Okay, this is actually awesome. Blow it up, take it outside and watch movies or play games on the big screen. Only problem: Projector and speakers not included. Which sort of makes it a giant inflatable mattress. On second thought, maybe not so awesome.

SCREEN

Price: $249.99. Buy it here. Be the talk of the neighborhood.

3. Insta Slim Compression Shirts.
Like Spanx. For dudes.

TOPS

Price: From $24.95 to $229.95. Huh? Go on, buy it here. It’s easier than working out.

4. Leo Men’s Padded Butt Enhancer.
To quote a satisfied customer, who also is probably wearing them incorrectly: “I tried the briefs before using them over my pants and felt like myself again! The padding added just the right amount of ‘cushion.’ Thanks.”

Bum

Price: $35. Get your J. Lo on here.

5. XPack PetCarrier.
We saw a pet stroller, which was cool, but then we saw this contraption, which lets you carry your pet hands-free. Weird.

DOG

Price: $104.50. If you must, buy it here.

6. Tewkesbury Inn Pub.
From the description: “Imagine yourself serving drinks from under the canopy, your closest friends gathered around the concave stand-up bar, their smiles reflected in the wide, bevel mirror-backed counter.” Okay.

BAR

Price: $4,999. Don’t buy this.

7. Ark of the Covenant.
If only Indiana Jones had thought to look for this in the SkyMall catalog!

ARK

Price: $29.95. Buy it and impress your friends here.

 8. Inada DreamWave Massage Chair.
Because you can’t have a SkyMall catalog without a massage chair. And this one is approximately the size of our entire living room.

MASSAGE

Price: $8,499. This looks very comfortable and we kind of want one. Buy it for us here.

9. Hovertrax.
It’s billed as a “personal transportation system.” Also known as legs. Keep in mind: Its max speed is 5 mph.

HOVERTRAX

Price: $995.99. Get it here. Don’t use it in public.

10. Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar.
It’s billed as a way to inhale “oxygen-enriched air.” Also known as breathing. Keep in mind: No replacement parts are needed. Because it’s air.

OXYGEN

Price: $399.99. Buy it here. Or save $399.99 and just breathe out of your mouth.