21 Things You Just Can’t Escape on a Philly Snow Day

All of the tropes of a snow day in Philly, all in one place.

  1. Cecily Tynan utters the phrase “polar vortex.”
  2. Your next door neighbor tells you, “When I was a kid, I used to walk two miles uphill in three feet of snow to get to school.”
  3. Somebody shares photos on Facebook of the shelves at their local Ack-a-me devoid of bread and milk.
  4. Your friend who just moved into hilly Manayunk suddenly regrets said decision.
  5. Your co-worker endures a huge Uber surge to get to the office because the kids were driving her crazy, claims her VPN wasn’t working.
  6. The puppy yoga class in Fishtown is cancelled due to wintry weather conditions.
  7. Guy you’ve never seen before tries to get $20 from you to shovel your tiny front stoop.
  8. Somebody brings up John Bolaris and the “Storm of the Century.”
  9. Your Comcast goes out and you pull the digital antenna out of the closet only to realize that the only station you get is 29.2 “Movies,” which is currently showing Death Wish V.
  10. You’re looking at snowy Instagram photos of people on the Art Museum steps and think to yourself, What the hell are those awful brown statues all over the top of the steps and please tell me they’re not permanent.
  11. You look out the window and realize that the city hasn’t salted or treated your street in any way, shape or form.
  12. You hear that Mayor Kenney closed all city offices early and think to yourself, “Well, it’s not like they were doing any real work anyway.”
  13. You finally manage to drive home from work only to discover that your neighbor has saved the parking spot in front of your home with his La-Z-Boy recliner — and is reclining in said recliner.
  14. Somebody adds the suffix “-maggedon” or “-pocalypse” to the word “snow”.
  15. There’s a PECO outage and you discover that the extension cord that your cell phone charger was plugged into all morning was not, in fact, plugged in itself.
  16. Your friend in Chicago sees your photo of the snowy streets of Philly and comments, “You guys out there don’t have any clue what real snow is.”
  17. Some media outlet publishes a drone video of Philly during the snowstorm and refers to said video as “epic” in the headline.
  18. Your row home neighbor shovels his half of your shared walkway but not yours.
  19. Your kids reveal to you that they’ve been eating icicles off of car tailpipes.
  20. Upon your arrival at home, your significant other tries to explain his drunken state by suggesting that snow day drinking rules are the same as the drinking rules for days when brunch is served.
  21. Your kids realize that the snow is neither dense nor plentiful enough for any serious sledding, so they take to the “hill” behind your home inside of a trash can and roll down the hill instead, explaining to you, “It’s just like Niagara Falls, Daddy!” [Ed note: This just happened to me today. Video below.]