New Study: Penis Size Does Matter to Women

Male scientist in Texas: "Just because a woman prefers a man with a large penis doesn't mean that she's going to find one."

Science has proven that women are more attracted to men with bigger penises! I don’t know if I want to say “Go Science!” or “Du-uhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

Male Homo sapiens have an almost disproportionately large penis when compared to other large mamamals. (An adult guerilla’s penis averages 1.5 inches long.) Apparently, it is far larger than it needs to be for its function, but may have become that way due to evolution: Many generations of prehistoric women choosing well-endowed men.

For this scientific study, 49 unique, computer-generated, life-size male figures, based on real Italian men were created. Each figure varied in three traits: height, shoulder-hip ratio and flaccid penis size. The figures were then projected onto a wall and reviewed by 105 Australian women with an average age of 26. The women were asked to simply rate the attractiveness of the figures as sexual partners on a scale of 1-7.

The findings: Women prefer tall men with broad shoulders and narrow hips, like Ryan Lochte, or, sigh, Channing Tatum. But when Brian Mautz, a University of Ottawa researcher, controlled for those variables, it turned out that penis size (length and girth) was about as important as stature.

The women also spent more time gazing at the generously endowed figures. The findings add to a debate that started in 1966 when Masters and Johnson concluded penis size to be unimportant to females, which some people (let’s not even posit who) have been holding onto ever since.

And why are women attracted to a larger penis?

Mautz posits: “Some studies indicate that preference for a larger penis might arise because penis size is associated with higher rates of vaginal orgasm.”

This time, I have to say “Double Du-uhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.” Or “Really?” a la Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers on SNL. Or, “How much were you paid for this?” Now you are trying to tell me that the female orgasm MATTERS?

About 45 percent of American males feel their penises are too small, so it’s not a surprise that backlash against the study came out the same day as the findings. Adam Jones, a biologist who studies sexual selection and mate choice at Texas A&M University, “cautions that projections on a wall are no substitute for real life. Just because a woman prefers a man with a large penis doesn’t mean that she’s going to find one.”

What? Is the advice then, Dr. Jones, settle for whatever penis you can get? Is there something you’re not telling us?

If 45 percent of men are insecure about their penis size, I posit that the other 55 percent are overly proud. I received my own dick pic about eight years ago, before they were popular enough to have a name. I wasn’t stunned by seeing a naked penis, but more by the idea that the sender could know so little about women that he would think this was a good idea.

Like this good idea: Anthony Weiner is back in the news with rumors he may run for NYC Mayor.

Once he finally admitted those pics were his, he acknowledged that it was “very dumb” but he never said why he did it. But we all know why: Like a little boy discovering its tricks, he’s proud of it. I think it takes a certain amount of ego to 1) be in politics; 2) send photos of your penis and your bare chest to many random, much younger women; and 3) stage a political comeback after having previously reduced yourself to puns of your unfortunate name, a la Weinergate.

I met Weiner at a wedding last year, and though I felt immature about it, I must admit I couldn’t shake what I knew about him, what the world knew. I shook his hand, and as I said, “How are you?” what I was actually thinking was simultaneously “I’ve seen you.” And “How could you?”

All of the wedding guests tweeted and twittered.

His beautiful, and very pregnant wife, Huma Abedin, handled the scene graciously, and I could only think of Hillary Clinton, and how Huma was now having to follow her own advice.

While I believe this study states the obvious, I can’t help but think of all the men who have been telling themselves that size doesn’t matter; it must be like finding out the family dog didn’t go away to a farm in the country. I once had a man, as he prepared for a vasectomy, tell me that he had heard it will make sex better. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I just nodded and assured him I had heard the same thing.