9 Totally Ridiculous Personal Questions Your Employer Might Ask You One Day

Penn Health, CVS start new trend in employee monitoring.

Are you an employee? Is it 2013? Then welcome to the new reality! Because it’s a great time to be an employer. Those in the workforce just have to bend to a company’s demands. So forget about working from home. And toss away your online privacy, too; bosses want to see everything you’re doing, saying and tweeting. Oh, and ladies, don’t even think about having a baby unless you’ve cleared it with your employer first.

What else? Oh, that’s right: You better quit smoking, and toss that bag of Doritos. Because now businesses like Penn Health and CVS will be watching. Every puff, every pound you gain is being tracked. Last week’s news that CVS is requiring employees to submit personal health information, including weight, or be subject to a $600 a year fine, shows that CVS really cares so much about their people. Don’t they?

And darn it, so does my company. So why stop there? It’s all about helping others, isn’t it? So beginning henceforth, and as president, I have instructed my HR department to acquire some additional information.

How do you get to and from work?
We want to discourage people who bike to work. Sure it’s good exercise, good for the environment, and good for their budgets, but most of them smell. All day. And we have no shower facilities.

What is the ringtone currently on your smartphone?
We care so much about our employees that we will limit the use of ringtones on their mobile phones. Only certain tones will be allowed, like a pleasant jingle or discreet, vibrating buzz. Anyone who has Bruno Mars singing “When I Was Your Man” will be subject to disciplinary action. Justin Bieber songs will result in immediate termination.

Who are you currently hooking up with in the office? And more importantly, who’s on your radar?
The only thing more distracting than an office romance is the potential for an office romance. To keep things completely productive, senior management will need to know of all sexual urges well in advance; necessary cubicle relocation may result.

What TV shows are queued on your DVR or Tivo?
We of course prefer that our employees bring work home with them. But if they insist on watching TV, then we have no choice but to request a listing of their favorite shows. Excessive viewing of shows like The Bachelor, Joan and Melissa and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo have been known to cause long-term depletion of brain waves that would affect job performance.

What websites do you bookmark?
Corporate research shows that websites tell a lot about a person. If a female employee discloses that she visits Jezebel every day then she likely hates all men. These are important details that the company needs to know for better managing employee relations.

Does your seventh-grade daughter frequently call you a “f***ing piece of s**t”?
Well that’s what seventh-graders do. Every parent knows it. And if you insist that your daughter is “an honor roll student and an angel,” then you’re clearly not telling the truth. This causes serious concerns about credibility.

If you had a choice between a) this job or b) sleeping inside a glass box at the Museum of Modern Art like Tilda Swinton, which would you choose?
Anyone who avoids answering probably sleeps on the job.

Do you currently smoke marijuana?
Our corporate policy is to discourage drug use of any kind. However, an affirmative answer to this question would enable HR to provide needed counseling and support to that employee. And many of our senior managers are always looking for a good source to purchase some killer weed now and again, particularly before company retreats and visits from their in-laws. (This could be a sign of big things to come, young man.)

Do you own a pet?
It is the company’s belief that employees who own rodents, birds or snakes will need more in-depth psychological evaluations. Cat owners are passable. Those who own dogs will be groomed for future management positions because dogs are awesome.