Fearless Predictions for 2012

You may not know this, but my nickname is Nostra-John-mus, due to my uncanny ability to predict the future. While the rest of you were opening Christmas presents, I was staring into my crystal orb, reading my tea leaves, and shaking my Magic 8 Ball. What did my research reveal? It revealed … the future.

JANUARY. The year gets off to quite a start as Arlene Ackerman, after putting all of her money in an offshore account and declaring herself broke, applies for welfare.

FEBRUARY. Andy Reid fires Juan Castillo and replaces him with J-Woww. “She doesn’t know defense but she has a lot spunk, and I think the players will respond to that,” says Andy Reid.

MARCH. Charlie Sheen finds another starring role on television. This show is called COPS, and features Sheen being tackled by policemen as he jumps over a hedgerow while shirtless and high on crystal meth.

APRIL. In one of the most inspirational moments in Masters history, Kim Jong-un shocks the field with a win, then dedicates his victory to his late father. His recently deceased dad, Kim Jong-il, was the greatest golfer in the history of the sport.

MAY. Gus the Groundhog is beaten to death by unknown assailant. Suspects include every single human being in Pennsylvania, all of whom despised that dumbass rodent. Except for Arlene Ackerman, who thinks Gus is adorable.

JUNE. Two months after taking a cornerback with their first pick in the draft, Joe Banner announces that it’s “Super Bowl or bust for the Gold Standard,” then trades LeSean McCoy for two more cornerbacks.

JULY. Jose Garces’s plans for total world domination become obvious when he opens new restaurants in Kamchatka and Irkutsk.

AUGUST. Roy Halladay is suspended for 50 games when a random drug test reveals that he breathes fire and has crocodile blood.

SEPTEMBER. Arlene Ackerman mugs a Ben Franklin impersonator then tackles the Liberty Bell.

OCTOBER. The Eagles move to 8-0. Michael Vick’s parrot turns one year old.

NOVEMBER. The Euro collapses, causing the world economy to implode. There is good news, though: Cop Rock is finally released on DVD.

DECEMBER. The Eagles’ 13-0 start to the season is ruined on December 21st, when Mayan calendar concludes and world explodes. Figures.