Reparative Therapy Can’t Cure Homosexuality

No matter how hard Mr. Michele Bachmann prays, being gay is not a choice that can be reversed

Those darn Satanic homosexuals are in the news again.

A Christian-based therapy center owned by Marcus Bachmann, husband of presidential wannabe Michele Bachmann, reportedly practices “reparative therapy,” in which gay clients can become straight through the power of prayer.

Say “Hallelujah,” Dorothy.

Bachmann and Associates is in Lake Elmo, MN, which makes it the ideal location for an episode of “Sesame Street.” Plenty of furry face time for Elmo, of course, but the real stars would be Bert and Ernie, pajama-matching “roommates” for 30 years.

Contrary to all reputable psychiatric and medical opinion, Mr. Bachmann and his band of Bible-quoting elves see homosexuality as a conscious choice; a neurosis that can be treated. Queers, he says, are “barbarians” who must be “disciplined” and “educated.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann, the Republican frontrunner in the first primary state of Iowa, has labeled the gay and lesbian “lifestyle”—is there a heterosexual lifestyle?—as “bondage,” “personal enslavement” and “part of Satan.”

Bondage. Discipline. Enslavement. Am I the only one getting aroused?

It’s a sad life, the Congresswoman says, as anyone (like her) with a gay family member knows. Especially when that gay family member, stepsister Helen LaFave, publicly opposes your anti-gay politics. And even attended Obama’s inauguration.

As is so often the case with outspoken religious homophobes, there is growing buzz that Mr. Bachmann didn’t exactly “pray away the gay” with several male escorts.

If the story proves to be true, Marcus would join infamous fallen zealots like Ted Haggard and George Alan Rekers, among numerous others, in what I like to call the Holy Hypocrites Hall of Fame. (Disgraced former U.S. Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig of Iowa is enshrined in the political wing.)

In the interest of fair play, I have a modest proposal. Why not create a reparative therapy center for tortured heterosexuals yearning to be gay?

Instead of prayer, stream reruns of “Ellen,” “Will & Grace,” “Modern Family.” Have mandatory workshops in fashion, decorating, personal hygiene and power tools (for the prospective lesbians.) Play Broadway show tunes during meals. Bring in queer celebrities: Neil Patrick Harris, Elton John, Rachel Maddow, Lindsay Lohan.

Ridiculous, right? As Lady Gaga says, I was born this way. And so were you.