Back in Bed Again
ON THE MEDICAL FRONT (THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH THIS)
In case you didn’t know I had throat cancer and I was out of commission for 100 days. I’m told the tumor is gone, and all my radiation and chemo have been done for two months now. When people see or call me on the air, they all say the same thing: “Glad you’re feeling better.”
But I’m not. I am down to 188 pounds, which might have been my EIGHTH GRADE weight. A week ago I was beginning to eat a little here, a bite there, and I had scratched and clawed myself up to 196. Then it all went to pot (I wish). Everything started tasting like wet cement and I totally stopped eating solid food again. I am so weak that just switching sides on the pillow takes massive strength. If Elaine Benes gave me one of those little chest shoves she’d push me into the middle of next week. [SIGNUP]
FROM THE BED
You know what YOU’RE like when you don’t eat, right? Ornery. Mean. Crabby. Well, my annoyance radar has never been raised higher. . . . Don’t you just love it when you go to a resort town, spend all your money on food and drinks, rides, shopping, and how do you get rewarded? By having some Avalon cop hiding in a speed trap on your way out of town so they can nab you barreling 31 in a 25 mile-an-hour zone. THANKS FOR PICKING AVALON! And they’re all guilty of it. . . . If there was justice in this world, LeBron James would have declared for free agency and the entire league would have said, “Eh, thanks, but no thanks.” What a stinkin’ egomaniac! . . . .
Two movie bones to pick. . . . Watching The Graduate, which holds up terrifically. However, this has always bothered me. You realize Dustin Hoffman is 29 years old in real life. So, since he’s a college grad, why did they have to make matters worse by making him “20, almost 21” years old? I went to LaSalle College for a year, Temple for nine days, and West Chester for an hour and even I know there aren’t many college grads at the age of 20. Doesn’t make sense. . . .And do you realize there are two major flaws in the Psycho shower scene, arguably one of the top 10 cinematic scenes in Hollywood history? One, Janet Leigh flushses the toilet immediately before starting the shower. You never do that. (By the way, did you know that was the first time you ever saw a toiltet flushed in an American movie?) Then Janet Leigh gets naked, steps into the shower, stands directly beneath the showerhead and turns the water on. NO ONE DOES THIS! NO ONE! Particularly in a motel you’ve never been in before. You start the water and do that herky jerky thing with your hand feeling for when the water tempature gets just right. Then you step under. . . .
Don’t you just love it when someone is in such a huge hurry that they completely ignore you at a yield sign and jump ahead of you on a one-lane road, and THEN they drive 20 miles an hour the rest of the way? . . . . I have to go through six different steps to get my Comcast TV on. I’M TOO STUPID FOR ALL THIS! . . . Obviously, due to my weight loss and weakness, I’m back in bed with WAY too much time in my hands. Hopefully, I’ll feel better next week.
