From the Bed of Big Daddy Graham

Okay, I'm recovering from cancer. But does that mean I have to stop being funny?

Longtime Philly comedian and radio guy Big Daddy Graham is currently recuperating from major back surgery and fighting throat cancer at the same time (when Big Daddy gets sick, he goes all out). He’s been off his overnight shift at WIP and in his bed 90 percent of the time. In this weekly series of posts, he’ll tell us what happened to him, update us on his treatment … and tell us just what the hell he’s thinking about while he’s spending all that time in sack. — ED.

So I go into Jefferson Hospital for what is going to be a doozy of a back surgery. They’re gonna fuse L2 through L5, lower back. I’m gonna be in the hospital for at least five days and then I’m gonna have to wear this Terminator-style brace for three stinkin’ months. I’ll be in bed at home for weeks, almost completely immobile. My wife’s gotta wipe my ass, for Chrissakes. However, none of these reasons are the cause of me putting off this surgery for eight months even though I couldn’t walk down the street without looking like Quasimodo. [SIGNUP]

No, it was the fact that I knew that coming out of anesthesia there
was gonna be a catheter up my Johnson for THREE DAYS. THE HORROR!

So the big morning comes. I’m knocked out on the surgery table and
Dr. Vaccaro, the surgeon, can’t get this air tube down my throat that
will keep me breathing through the procedure. There’s a lump on my throat. They are contemplating (unbeknown to me, of course, I’m out) calling off the surgery when their computer tells them that I have had throat work in the past performed right at Jeff, and that the very doctor, my man Dr. Speigel, was one floor above at that very moment at 7:05 a.m. on a Thursday morning. Incredible luck.

So they scrub him up, bring him to the operating room, and he removes enough of the lump for the doc to get the air tube down and they perform the surgery. Of course, the bad news came the next day when they found out the lump was throat cancer. However, look at it this way: Had I not gotten the back surgery, I might have not found out about the cancer for months. So I caught a break there. Now the trip was just beginning.

MORAL OF THE STORY. Doctors, listen to me, hear me out! Get rid of the catheter. I’ve been told that it’s not uncommon for men to avoid some procedures all together because of those torture devices. GET RID OF THEM. BRING IN A RED-HEADED NURSE WITH BIG JUGS TO HANDLE IT. DO SOMETHING!

Thoughts From My Bed….

Geez, this ain’t that bad. Hugh Hefner had this down decades ago … Let’s take an inventory of what’s in my bedroom. Flat screen HDTV with a surround-sound system that also doubles as a dynamite music stereo for my iPod and CDs. An endless stream of shows and movies to watch via DVR or my personal collection. My laptop and cellphone. Stacks of magazines and books. ALL THAT’S MISSING ARE THE THREE BLONDES!…

Here’s what I’ve been listening and viewing … I’m watching an old episode of HBO’s Rome and there’s this scene where this Roman chick is screwing this Roman guy and the entire time they are in bed, there’s two slaves fanning them. Like my wife would let two dudes stand at the edge of the bed while we we’re doing it. I’m lucky I’M in the bed … There’s a cartoon in this week’s New Yorker where a bagpipe band is marching down the street, and there’s someone in the crowd yelling “FREE BIRD!” Now THAT’S funny! …

Watched this Allen Iverson documentary that went on way too long, but it got me thinking: If you ignore the world of boxing, has there ever been as popular an athlete as A.I. who fell from grace THIS hard? And remember, he was one of the beloved stars in the world. Yet, no one seems to be talking about it that much. Was it that expected? Will some young buck Martin Scorcese ever make a “Raging Bull/Jake LaMotta” on the life of Iverson? It has all the tragic qualities ….

Will Elvis Costello’s voice EVER go bad? … So Sandra Bullock was living with a man who had this collection of Nazi memorabilia, including a Hitler surfboard, and she had no idea? By the way, where exactly would you surf with a Hitler surfboard? …

Boy, do I miss Harry Kalas. Now I realize that he missed almost the entire season last year, but there’s something so final starting the season completely without him … BACK TO BED!