Dear Kimberly: How Can I Forge Meaningful Family Bonds?

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Kimberly McGlonn is back with gentle wisdom to help you navigate life’s tough situations. Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column.

Dear Kimberly,
I unfortunately don’t have the greatest relationship with my siblings now that we’re adults. Still, I’d like to forge an authentic relationship with my nieces and nephews. Am I being naive, or is there a way forward for aunties and uncles to have a role in the lives of children whose parents are no longer close to us? — Unc with Love

Dear Unc with Love,

A lot of people’s families don’t look the way they’d like them to, or the way Hollywood tells us they could. That reality can hurt — not just around the holidays, when estrangements can make us lonely or sad, but in the day-to-day moments of our lives when we feel something is missing.

I deeply relate to your question, because it’s something I’m going through right now.

For many years, I dedicated my professional identity to supporting women who’d come home from prison. But it wasn’t until the early winter of 2023 that I had a first-degree separation from the carceral system myself. My nephew, at 18, was arrested, convicted, and incarcerated. As he was navigating that system, being shuffled through it and lost in it, I didn’t know how to make my way to him, as his mother (my sister) and I don’t have that Hollywood bond.

It took me a while to find my footing, but he and I persisted in figuring out how to build a relationship that worked for us. The pursuit of this bond has involved a good deal of commitment and creativity, but we found a new way of connecting, like reading James Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time together. I’m looking forward to seeing him as soon as I’m approved. Ironically, our unique separation has maybe made us closer than ever. He’s grown older and we now talk in ways we hadn’t before, like navigating this season of his young adulthood.

My advice, from experience, is that you make the choice to commit to the relationship that you dream of. If I have learned anything in navigating complex family dynamics and distance, it is that our willingness — especially over time — matters. If your goal is a meaningful bond, you only arrive at that through sincere effort and persistence.

For me, the fruit of that intentional labor are things like a text message I now get a few days a week that just says “Good morning, Auntie.” That seemingly small expression of thought affirms that my effort over time — to make sure that he knew that he was loved unconditionally and that love like that exists — was worth it. While my sister and I don’t share the emotional bond that would’ve made my staying connected to my nephew perhaps easier, that dynamic hasn’t in any way destroyed the independent relationship my nephew and I now have. And that’s what it’s really about: moving beyond the primary estrangement, and deciding that the workaround is through your own individual effort.

As for that “primary estrangement”? No need to relitigate the past. Sometimes we miscalculate the true cost of harboring resentment. We all need to let go of past traumas to make space for the bonds that you really want to build. And I hope that some day that includes growth for my sister and me, as well.

So, start thinking about the young people in your life, and take the first step towards outreach. That might look like mailing a thoughtful birthday gift, sending words of encouragement in a card, or showing up in ways they might appreciate. Study the kids in your life who you want to one day be in a lasting relationship with, observe them, discover what they’re curious about, and try to align your efforts with what will resonate with them. You’ll be so grateful that you did.

With courage and care,
Kimberly