Dear Kimberly: How Do I Let Go?

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Kimberly McGlonn is back with gentle wisdom to help you navigate life’s tough situations. Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column.

Dear Kimberly: I am recognizing a pattern in my life — I hold on too long. I’ve stayed in relationships past when they were good, been scared to leave a job and city even when I sensed it was time. How can I get stronger at moving on? — Stuck & Out of Place

Dear Stuck & Out of Place,

I hear you. I have struggled with letting go of all kinds of things that were hard. Letting go of a career — a long-loved position as a high school teacher and the wonderful community that came with it. Same goes for romantic relationships. But in both of those instances, I knew on some level, even before I was willing to do anything about it, that I had outgrown the pot I was in. I needed to reposition myself in fresh soil with some bright, new light if I was gonna grow. And when we feel like a circumstance is squeezing us, boxing us in, or forcing us to wilt, we have to choose our expansion over suffocation. It becomes necessary to let go: to let go of your presumptions that there isn’t better waiting; to let go of your idea that because you haven’t done something before, you simply can’t do it. Sometimes feeling like we’re playing it too small can compel us to let go. Other times we’re called to let go when there isn’t alignment, when our needs and the things we want aren’t being met by a circumstance. We have to choose to honor our needs, recognizing that, as the great Nina Simone said, “You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served.” Love is a broad word, but I believe it captures our sense of safety, our sense of belonging, and our sense of self-preservation.

To do that, we need to know what we need, and sometimes we need to let go of what we have in pursuit and in honor of those needs. I’ve given up the six-figure job and taken the 50 percent pay cut because I wanted to bet on myself. I’ve gone through divorce. And what I’ve learned is that staying in those constructs when I was being dishonest with my true self was, on the deepest level, ultimately a betrayal of myself.

If our alignment is out of whack and we force ourselves to stay where we are, we cripple our own growth — and even if we think, by staying, we’re being kind or avoiding hurting someone else, we can in the process sometimes chain someone else when it’s time to release them.

It’s a challenge to build a life that fits you. Just as we outgrow clothes, we outgrow the design of our lives. Sometimes we’re playing it too small and sometimes the circumstance can no longer hold us. So I think that learning when to leave is about assessing whether something is calling forth joy or calling forth sadness, whether it’s calling forth a sense of being appreciated or a sense of being neglected. When we make those kinds of assessments, we can navigate the timing of when we need to move on.

For a lot of us, and I know I’ve certainly been guilty of this, we’re waiting for a new thing to appear, to grab hold of — whether it’s a new relationship or a new position. It can be hard to be in moments of life where there is seemingly “nothing” or no one to go to. But what I’ve learned is that in those seasons of the in-between, when you’re waiting for the next thing or the next person or the next connection, you have a chance to really connect with yourself. To focus on your own independent study, of yourself, of others, and of the world. I wish schools taught us more about how to study on our own because that’s what we have to do as adults! In a global culture that’s so noisy and so fast, it’s helpful when we are able to find support in other people — therapists, or friends, or a spiritual kind of guide. But I also think that there’s this safe place for us in silence and stillness and solitude where our own internal voice surfaces.

And here’s the truth: We’re not always gonna get the timing right. However, as I’m learning to listen differently and dedicate myself to practices that bring me into proximity with my own inner voice, it helps me align how I time my decisions, what’s kind to myself, what’s truthful for myself. And ultimately that’s living in integrity to myself. Integrity to me is the pursuit of honoring what is true, and then making choices in alignment with truth. And letting go often comes when someone — be it you or your spouse or your boss or your friend — decides that in their truth, it’s time to move in a different direction. And there isn’t always a real reason why that is. There isn’t always a pro-con list to be made, or a “right” answer. Sometimes we’re just moving through a set of cultural norms that have scripted how we’re “supposed” to live our lives, or what we’re supposed to want. But when we’re beholden to someone else’s standards, we lose precious time. Sometimes you just feel it. Let yourself. Doing so isn’t always easy. But it frees us to live in truth and to live with freedom, and then to pursue and to protect, our own very precious, peace.

With courage & care,
Kimberly