I’ve attended two weddings in the past month and have a third coming up next weekend. By my count, the total number of best-man/maid-of-honor speeches I’ve enjoyed/endured is roughly 40. This doesn’t make me an expert, but I’ve done enough champagne toasting to know a good tribute (short, some humor, a little sentimental, nothing too dirty) from those that make you clutch your date in horror or pray for a power outage. So in the tradition of the Phillies fans, Jersey Shore beachgoers, and gym members we’ve called out, here are a few of the worst wedding-speech offenders. If any of these sound like what you’re preparing for a friend or family member’s special day, I recommend a revision. If you’ve already unleashed one, maybe an apology will suffice. But probably not.
I, like, can’t tell you how perfect Steve has been for Tammy. We’ve been besties ever since college, and if you knew our girls, there’s no way you’d think we’d ever settle down. Especially our Tammy, right? She was totes on the prowl, like, constantly. In fact, you guys, we’d take bets on how many times she’d hook up each weekend. What was the over/under? Like, 12? And that time we walked in on her with our RA and the clerk from the campus bookstore? Awkies! But anyway, you in that white gown—sorry if I’m getting emotional here—it’s just like, so amazeballs to see our “Wham Bam Thank You Tam” is all grown up!
The James Cameron
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m the groom’s cousin. We’ve been through so much over the years that words alone don’t feel adequate for describing the kind of guy he is. So I’ve prepared a brief PowerPoint presentation—can we dim those lights, please? And DJ, can you cue up that CD I gave you? Right. Track two. Oh, crap, my laptop battery is low. Need an outlet to plug into. Cue the fog machine. Is this mic on?
The Bitter Bridesmaid
Donna, I’m honored to stand here and congratulate you on this beautiful day. And what a beautiful couple, right? So gorgeous. You two remind me of how I felt with Barry. Remember when we’d joke about who would get married first? Then he ran off with that Olive Garden hostess and here I am, dateless at my best friend’s wedding. Who saw that one coming? Ha! I mean, awkward, right? Anyway, that dress, Donna. I’m speechless. Partly because you knew that’s the one I’ve dreamed about since we were kids. But really, I couldn’t be happier for you two. Could. Not. Be. Happier.
Hey hey everybody! I’m Tim, the groom’s college roommate and partner in crime [wink wink] and I want to talk about the moment when I knew these two crazy kids were perfect for each other. But before that, let me tell you about what it was like living with this guy [double air-guns]. What a slob! I mean, clothes everywhere, Taco Bell wrappers—oh, that reminds me of the time we all went to Tijuana for spring break and drank the tap water. Bad scene, folks! Trust me on that one. Guys in Hazmat suits were called in. Sorry for getting off track here. I wrote up 17 pages worth of material but scrapped it, so bear with me, people! Hope you refilled those drinks …
…so there we are, in the Pi Kap basement, and Jake is like, “Dude, I’m gonna bust out the Prairie Dog!” If you could have seen this dance, you’d be laughing hysterically like I am right now, trust me! We also used to do this thing when we worked at that hedge fund together and we’d email dirty pics to each other with fake subject lines, like “New client” or “Quarterly forecast.” One click and WHAMMO! Right, bro? High-larious! Maybe you had to be there. Anyway, Maria, you’re so great for him. Like the time you went out and bought us Dunkin’ Donuts the morning after that Nickelback concert! We were so hammered that night, bro!