Five Worst Wedding Toasts of All Time

Beware the bitter bridesmaid and the PowerPoint-wielding best man

I’ve attended two weddings in the past month and have a third coming up next weekend. By my count, the total number of best-man/maid-of-honor speeches I’ve enjoyed/endured is roughly 40. This doesn’t make me an expert, but I’ve done enough champagne toasting to know a good tribute (short, some humor, a little sentimental, nothing too dirty) from those that make you clutch your date in horror or pray for a power outage. So in the tradition of the Phillies fans, Jersey Shore beachgoers, and gym members we’ve called out, here are a few of the worst wedding-speech offenders. If any of these sound like what you’re preparing for a friend or family member’s special day, I recommend a revision. If you’ve already unleashed one, maybe an apology will suffice. But probably not.

The TMI
I, like, can’t tell you how perfect Steve has been for Tammy. We’ve been besties ever since college, and if you knew our girls, there’s no way you’d think we’d ever settle down. Especially our Tammy, right? She was totes on the prowl, like, constantly. In fact, you guys, we’d take bets on how many times she’d hook up each weekend. What was the over/under? Like, 12? And that time we walked in on her with our RA and the clerk from the campus bookstore? Awkies! But anyway, you in that white gown—sorry if I’m getting emotional here—it’s just like, so amazeballs to see our “Wham Bam Thank You Tam” is all grown up!

The James Cameron
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m the groom’s cousin. We’ve been through so much over the years that words alone don’t feel adequate for describing the kind of guy he is. So I’ve prepared a brief PowerPoint presentation—can we dim those lights, please? And DJ, can you cue up that CD I gave you? Right. Track two. Oh, crap, my laptop battery is low. Need an outlet to plug into. Cue the fog machine. Is this mic on?

The Bitter Bridesmaid
Donna, I’m honored to stand here and congratulate you on this beautiful day. And what a beautiful couple, right? So gorgeous. You two remind me of how I felt with Barry. Remember when we’d joke about who would get married first? Then he ran off with that Olive Garden hostess and here I am, dateless at my best friend’s wedding. Who saw that one coming? Ha! I mean, awkward, right? Anyway, that dress, Donna. I’m speechless. Partly because you knew that’s the one I’ve dreamed about since we were kids. But really, I couldn’t be happier for you two. Could. Not. Be. Happier.

The Filibuster
Hey hey everybody! I’m Tim, the groom’s college roommate and partner in crime [wink wink] and I want to talk about the moment when I knew these two crazy kids were perfect for each other. But before that, let me tell you about what it was like living with this guy [double air-guns]. What a slob! I mean, clothes everywhere, Taco Bell wrappers—oh, that reminds me of the time we all went to Tijuana for spring break and drank the tap water. Bad scene, folks! Trust me on that one. Guys in Hazmat suits were called in. Sorry for getting off track here. I wrote up 17 pages worth of material but scrapped it, so bear with me, people! Hope you refilled those drinks …

The Bromantic
…so there we are, in the Pi Kap basement, and Jake is like, “Dude, I’m gonna bust out the Prairie Dog!” If you could have seen this dance, you’d be laughing hysterically like I am right now, trust me! We also used to do this thing when we worked at that hedge fund together and we’d email dirty pics to each other with fake subject lines, like “New client” or “Quarterly forecast.” One click and WHAMMO! Right, bro? High-larious! Maybe you had to be there. Anyway, Maria, you’re so great for him. Like the time you went out and bought us Dunkin’ Donuts the morning after that Nickelback concert! We were so hammered that night, bro!

  • 2106std

    Those may be the worst. But this one is the best — he breaks all the rules, is totally inappropriate (“I want to make love to your love”), and even works in a baggie of breast milk. You gotta see it to believe it:

  • Annie

    This post is amazeballs.

  • http://www.standingovationweddingspeeches.typepad.com JeanDan@www.standingovationweddingspeeches.typepad.com

    Thanks for sharing.As a wedding speech writer,i often see countless speech givers make these mistakes too when giving wedding speeches. The examples in the post reveals a lot of offensive details which shouldn’t come into the picture at special occasions like weddings.These examples show that the writers didn’t prepare well in advance.Usually poor preparation robs speech givers of memorable speeches.Do you see how the first scribe makes mention of the grooms past?That’s not the place to utter such comments and i sincerely belief the bestman might have embarrased his friend on the day.
    The James Cameron did well as he tried to put his speech in power point-which is a way to avoid the stress and nervousness associated with facing a crowd.But am surprised he didn’t charge his laptop battery.To me it communicates his ill-preparedness.Besides, example 3 violate the principles of english grammar by incorporating incomplete sentence structures-especially at the end of the sentence…could.not.be.happier.Though the audience are not English lecturers,they will be forced to comment on the use of language because they will find it hard to follow the speech by The Bitter Bridesmaid.
    All wedding speeches should touch on the positive aspects of the couples lives.

    • http://www.standingovationweddingspeeches.typepad.com JeanDan@www.standingovationweddingspeeches.typepad.com

      You are right FC-memorable wedding speeches are always from the heart.Bible qoutes and old irish quotes can only help speech givers write speeches.But using them creatively is what many fail to do.

  • FC

    I’m not sure which is lamer: 1) A guy who makes his dad his best man or 2) the hackneyed speech where the best man gives out 20 keys to various women of all ages 15 minutes before the speech and during his speech asks them march up to the head table to return them to the groom – cue 85 year old woman returning key to fake, awkward laughs.

    Some of the worst speeches are trite marriage/bible quotes or Olde Irish/Jewish/Italian Sayings – come on, be original and speak from the heart!!

  • Rita

    Another awful one.. when your maid of honor makes the entire speech about you and her.. having nothing to do with your new marriage or the groom.. welcome to my life.