From Julio to Jay-Z … The talent playing Atlantic City this weekend is truly an absurd mix that spans half a century, crossing many demographics. First you’ve got Julio Iglesias Friday and Saturday at Caesars. I’ve gotta be honest, I have no idea what Julio sings or what the draw is, but he’s said to have played more than 5,000 shows throughout his career, so there must be somebody out there who is his Biggest Fan. Then you’ve got Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige at Boardwalk Hall on Saturday. Unlike the dynamic duo’s recent Philly performance, lots of tickets remain. In a bizarre blast from the past, ex-clothes-shedding Debbie Gibson — oh, sorry, Deborah Gibson (remember her Playboy spread?) — begins a three-week run at Harrah’s on Sunday. And the incomparable-on-so-many-levels Dolly Parton plays her rescheduled (due to, er, back pain) Borgata gig Saturday night. Simultaneously in the Borgata, there’s Tracy Morgan. Even if he just puts 30 Rock re-runs on the projector, its bound to be funny.

And they’re off … Saturday is the 134th Kentucky Derby. Start the day off right at McGillin’s Olde Ale House with $3 mint juleps. If the kids are tagging along, precluding the consumption of copious amounts of bourbon, head to Franklin Square, where Philly’s own equestrian heroes Smarty Jones and Afleet Alex have been immortalized as carousel horses (for $60,000!!!). From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., every kid that rides will receive a first-place ribbon. Finally, everyone actually wins.

At last, a reason to hang out under I-95 … I love Zoe Strauss. Her photography is real Philadelphia: mean, gritty and honest. So there’s no better place for a Zoe Strauss exhibit than in South Philly, under I-95. Front and Mifflin from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. on Sunday. Her work is so real, it’s realer than real. It’s unreal. Just, um, check it out.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you … A lot of people are confused. This Sunday is not Mother’s Day. Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. Which gives you a whole extra week to completely forget. This year, skip the Godiva and opt for John & Kira’s locally made chocolates. You have to order by May 6th for delivery, and you don’t want to send them belated, right?

$25 a laugh … Three hundred and twenty-five bucks to see Billy Crystal at the Borgata? Sheesh. I always knew I was in the wrong line of work, but this is ridiculous. Should your pockets not run quite so deep but you still need a few laughs, master impersonator Frank Caliendo — also at the Borgata — comes in at a much more reasonable $39.50. Both gentlemen perform Friday and Saturday night, as does Jimmy Shubert (King of Queens, Comedy Central Presents …), whose Helium shows will set you back a mere $30 for a reserved seat ($25 unreserved).

Both gay but in totally different ways … And now from the department of Back from the Dead, I give you the Moody Blues, who are unique in that they achieved success while completely eluding coolness, on any level. The Tower seems like the perfect place for a little “Nights in White Satin.” I do hope they recite the poem at the end — you know: “Breathe deep the gathering gloom …” But it’s my birthday, and the Moody Blues are far too serious for birthday galavanting. Perhaps the B-52s at the Electric Factory will do the trick. The Blues and the Bs both play tonight, so if you are part of the nonexistent demographic that would have a hard time choosing which of the two shows to attend, I guess you have something thinking to do.

A little local talent … Saxman Bootsie Barnes blows at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight. Folksy Linda Cohen, who was something at one time, sees if she still is with a Sunday gig at Tin Angel. And for those who like their music loud and jumpy, punk/funk Black Landlord takes the Khyber on Saturday.

My boss made me do it … All the old guys in my office talk about former Inquirer columnist Steve Lopez, who apparently was at one time the great savior of Philadelphia journalism. Steve Lopez this, Steve Lopez that. And it’s always “Steve Lopez,” full name. Never “Steve” or “Lopez,” which in this business is a level of respect afforded to few. It kind of feels like when my dad gets all teary-eyed over Tom Landry. Anyway, Steve Lopez recently wrote a book called The Soloist, about a homeless musical genius in Los Angeles, which Steve Lopez now calls home. And it sounds like Steve Lopez is doing all right for himself, since they’re now making a movie of the book starring Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. Not too shabby. On Saturday, my boss — Larry Platt — will drool over interview Steve Lopez about all of this at the Free Library.

From drag queens to Orwell … Lots of new plays to consider. The short list: Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Latvian Society (reviewed by our new critic, MB Case); Animal Farm at Mum Puppettheatre (the Inquirer called it “just right”); and Bug by Tracy Letts, who just won the 2008 Pulitzer for drama, at Christ Church.

And for the little terrors … Seems like a perfect weekend to visit Longwood Gardens, where spring is out of hand. On Saturday, they debut three brand-new tree houses — Lookout Loft, Canopy Cathedral, and the Birdhouse — with lots of educational activities for your budding arborist, though I might steer them more in the direction of “tree surgeon,” given the price that this guy quoted me recently to save my dying tree. (I cut it down with a chainsaw.)

Your weekend agenda, decided for you …

RHYMES WITH “BONG,” NOT “BANG”
The highlight performance of the Grammy Awards was Herbie Hancock’s “Rhapsody in Blue” duet with Curtis grad Lang Lang, but it didn’t really showcase the madness and unconventional playing for which Lang is both praised and criticized. For a taste of that, you’re much better off with the YouTube clip “Lang Lang Gone Mad”. I’m pretty sure that after watching it, you’ll agree with me that if Lang never left his native China, he would have been institutionalized and, eventually, executed for his eccentricity. In any case, this Sunday at the Kimmel, he’ll pound, plow, and plink through Bartok and Chopin. 7:30 p.m.; $34 to $69.

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Apologies for the uncharacteristically succinct Weekender, but my third home in Chesapeake calls. Here are some things worth doing.

R&B
Hometown heroine Jill Scott saunters up North Broad to tell us a thing or two at the Liacouras Center. With Musiq Soulchild. Friday; 8 p.m. $46 to $66.

BOOZE
Philly Beer Week swerves into town, offering no shortage of events all over the city for lovers of the suds. Times and prices vary.

DANCE
Koresh Dance Company moves into their new home on Broad at the Suzanne Roberts Theatre with two world premieres Friday through Sunday; times vary. $25 to $30. If you need something a bit less sexy, try the Pennsylvania Ballet’s Messiah — yes, as in the “Hallelujah Chorus” — at the Academy. Friday through Sunday; times vary. $22 to $124.

ROCK
So you think that instrumental music tends to lack energy? Veteran West Philly freakout-ers Stinking Lizaveta will convince you otherwise at Johnny Brenda’s. Don’t worry, they sell earplugs at the bar. Friday; 10 p.m. $8.

COMEDY
Helium Comedy Club brings in Robert Kelly — you’ll recognize him from HBO’s Tourgasm and his occasional Law & Order appearances — for a few laughs. Friday and Saturday; times vary. $20 to $24. And for the set not quite ready for dirty jokes, they’ve got local tot comedian The Great Holtzie, who describes himself as the “Anti Mr. Rogers.” Saturday; 3 p.m. $10.

ART
Is the whole First Friday strolling around thing too tiring or heady for you? The WMGK Classic Rock Art Show — featuring posters, photos and album art from your favorite bands — won’t tax your brain or body much at all. Promise. At the Shops at Liberty Place through March 22nd.

If you’re three years old, the only place to be tonight is at the Spectrum, where Sesame Street Live’s Elmo Makes Music opens for throngs of hyped up children. The speech impeded red demon sticks around until Sunday, and tickets are $12-$48.

If all of that sounds as painful to you as it does to me, the Pennsylvania Ballet’s appropriately-timed Messiah begins its run at the Academy of Music. $22-$124.

Special Correspondent Brian James Kirk plans your weekend so you don’t have to …

Sweaters and swearing … Two generations of black comedy will be in town and there’s a reason both gigs are almost sold out: these are two of the pioneers. Bill Cosby performs two shows at the State Theatre in New Jersey on Sunday. Try for the evening show (your parents already bought out the afternoon edition) and hope that he’s doing more joke-telling than lesson-giving. If your dad’s comedy doesn’t float your boat, save seats for Chris Rock’s three-day Philly run next week. Expect the Academy of Music to get a pretty severe F-bombing.

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For those who actually care that today is Presidents’ Day …

Family fun at Valley Forge, complete with marching soldiers and birthday cake for George (Martha’s recipe, of course); presidential artifacts (including locks of their hair, we’re told) at the Academy of Natural Sciences; Lincoln-era grub and stovepipe hat-making at Doylestown’s Mercer Museum; and Longwood Gardens stretches it in a big way, offering a Washington impersonator who will, um, discuss gardening.

For everyone else …

The White Dog hosts two of the Lost Boys of the Sudan for dinner and conversation; handsome Polish-Hungarian pianist Piotr Anderszewski (pictured), whose name is almost as hard to comprehend as his talent, joins the Chamber Music Society at the Kimmel for Bach and Schumann; G-Town Radio presents and discusses Shame of a City, Tigre Hill’s documentary about the 2003 Philadelphia mayoral debacle; Pennsylvania congressman Patrick Murphy talks about his new book at the Constitution Center, though I’d be more interested in hearing him try to explain how the superdelegates (of which he is one) are not going to totally screw up this primary; and Pulitzer-winning illustrator Art Spiegelman (The New Yorker, Maus) heads to Penn.

And if all that is just way too intellectually stimulating for you on a what I hope is a vacation day, there’s always the appropriately named Karaoke That Doesn’t Suck party upstairs at the Khyber .