From Julio to Jay-Z … The talent playing Atlantic City this weekend is truly an absurd mix that spans half a century, crossing many demographics. First you’ve got Julio Iglesias Friday and Saturday at Caesars. I’ve gotta be honest, I have no idea what Julio sings or what the draw is, but he’s said to have played more than 5,000 shows throughout his career, so there must be somebody out there who is his Biggest Fan. Then you’ve got Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige at Boardwalk Hall on Saturday. Unlike the dynamic duo’s recent Philly performance, lots of tickets remain. In a bizarre blast from the past, ex-clothes-shedding Debbie Gibson — oh, sorry, Deborah Gibson (remember her Playboy spread?) — begins a three-week run at Harrah’s on Sunday. And the incomparable-on-so-many-levels Dolly Parton plays her rescheduled (due to, er, back pain) Borgata gig Saturday night. Simultaneously in the Borgata, there’s Tracy Morgan. Even if he just puts 30 Rock re-runs on the projector, its bound to be funny.

And they’re off … Saturday is the 134th Kentucky Derby. Start the day off right at McGillin’s Olde Ale House with $3 mint juleps. If the kids are tagging along, precluding the consumption of copious amounts of bourbon, head to Franklin Square, where Philly’s own equestrian heroes Smarty Jones and Afleet Alex have been immortalized as carousel horses (for $60,000!!!). From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., every kid that rides will receive a first-place ribbon. Finally, everyone actually wins.

At last, a reason to hang out under I-95 … I love Zoe Strauss. Her photography is real Philadelphia: mean, gritty and honest. So there’s no better place for a Zoe Strauss exhibit than in South Philly, under I-95. Front and Mifflin from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. on Sunday. Her work is so real, it’s realer than real. It’s unreal. Just, um, check it out.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you … A lot of people are confused. This Sunday is not Mother’s Day. Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. Which gives you a whole extra week to completely forget. This year, skip the Godiva and opt for John & Kira’s locally made chocolates. You have to order by May 6th for delivery, and you don’t want to send them belated, right?

Ah, Easter, you devil of a holiday. I love my family, but why so much woe? Here are some suggestions for the weekend that don’t include spiral-cut ham or pineapple soufflé.

FRIDAY
I was thinking about checking out Jesus Christ Superstar at the Keswick. After all, it’s considered by most to be the only religious rock opera in existence, unless you, like me, consider the Who’s Tommy a religion. But the whole damn run is sold out (save for a few scattered seats on Saturday night). Sheesh. Go Keswick! But no worries, friends: Veteran Russian art rockers Auktyon are live and direct at World Cafe Live tonight. If you think our rockers are rebels, try growing up in the U.S.S.R. And since we’re going super artsy/avant garde, this is opening weekend for Gus Van Sant’s Paranoid Park. Read about it, and the weekend’s other new movies, in today’s Flick Filter.

SATURDAY
This Saturday’s got plenty to do, but also a lot to prove. Philadelphia Theatre Company is all grown up and living in that swanky new Suzanne Roberts Theatre, so they’d better wear the pants for the opening weekend of their newest show. It shouldn’t be hard: The late Wendy Wasserstein’s last play, Third, is said to be her best — if PTC can’t pull it off, they’ll have some ’splaining to do about those expensive digs they’ve been in. Over at the Bellevue, there’s the big Winter’s A Drag party (benefiting City of Hope), where we expect the Who’s Who of the gay scene to show their boa’d selves off. Drag isn’t mandatory, but you’ll get a discount on the $80 admission if you comply (and you may just discover a whole new you). Guys, if you’re not feeling sexy enough in that little black dress, check out our handy little guide to how do drag right. Just know that the Annie approach is out; every red wig in town is rented out for the return of that adorable orphan at the Academy of Music (and if you missed our very uncomfortable Q&A with the lass who plays Annie, read it here). And if all of that sounds just way too complicated and ridiculous, reggae legend Gregory Isaacs spliffs it up the Troc.

SUNDAY
There are two roads to travel. Both involve more dress-up, a fact guaranteed to cause flashbacks to Easter weekends past. The Easter Sunday Promenade is the only time you’ll see people actually looking nice on South Street. Come on now, show off that cute Easter dress you’ve been saving — and after Saturday night, that goes for girls and guys. (And in case you’re at all confused, this is a kid-friendly event.) There are awards to go around, and you’ll be able to impress someone by telling them you’ve been to a real, actual, Henri David (pictured) party, since he emcees the event. (Congrats, you can almost call yourself a Philadelphian now.) But my advice? Take the road less traveled: It has friggin’ zombies on it, which is always a good thing. Sunday evening is the third annual Philly Zombie Crawl, the bar hop for the undead. (If you can’t possibly understand what a Zombie Crawl could be, just stay home, for your own good.) After everything that has the potential to go on this weekend, you’ll have plenty of good stories to tell on Monday, none of which involve pineapple soufflé.

IF YOU WANT TO GET DRUNK AROUND THE IRISH …
The DJ starts at 2 p.m — yes, 2 p.m. — at McGillin’s Olde Ale House, Philadelphia’s oldest continuously operating tavern. You should be prepared for large singing crowds of the Shamrocked guzzling gallons of green beer. There’s a $2 cover, which just seems silly.

IF YOU WANT TO GET DRUNK BUT WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE IRISH …
Daily News gossip-boy Dan Gross charms the barflies at the Khyber with his Seinfeld Quizzo. And if the Uncle Leo trivia gets a little stale, there’s karaoke upstairs.

If you’re three years old, the only place to be tonight is at the Spectrum, where Sesame Street Live’s Elmo Makes Music opens for throngs of hyped up children. The speech impeded red demon sticks around until Sunday, and tickets are $12-$48.

If all of that sounds as painful to you as it does to me, the Pennsylvania Ballet’s appropriately-timed Messiah begins its run at the Academy of Music. $22-$124.

For those who actually care that today is Presidents’ Day …

Family fun at Valley Forge, complete with marching soldiers and birthday cake for George (Martha’s recipe, of course); presidential artifacts (including locks of their hair, we’re told) at the Academy of Natural Sciences; Lincoln-era grub and stovepipe hat-making at Doylestown’s Mercer Museum; and Longwood Gardens stretches it in a big way, offering a Washington impersonator who will, um, discuss gardening.

For everyone else …

The White Dog hosts two of the Lost Boys of the Sudan for dinner and conversation; handsome Polish-Hungarian pianist Piotr Anderszewski (pictured), whose name is almost as hard to comprehend as his talent, joins the Chamber Music Society at the Kimmel for Bach and Schumann; G-Town Radio presents and discusses Shame of a City, Tigre Hill’s documentary about the 2003 Philadelphia mayoral debacle; Pennsylvania congressman Patrick Murphy talks about his new book at the Constitution Center, though I’d be more interested in hearing him try to explain how the superdelegates (of which he is one) are not going to totally screw up this primary; and Pulitzer-winning illustrator Art Spiegelman (The New Yorker, Maus) heads to Penn.

And if all that is just way too intellectually stimulating for you on a what I hope is a vacation day, there’s always the appropriately named Karaoke That Doesn’t Suck party upstairs at the Khyber .