I can’t afford to make it to the Mamma Mia! opening night at the Academy of Music this evening at 7:30. Now, that’s not to say that it’s not a good deal, with tickets ranging from $28 to $100. It’s just that my meager (read: nonexistent) intern salary doesn’t allow for internationally renowned Broadway shows that I couldn’t care less about. I’d rather spend the money on, oh, you know, Ramen and tuna. But for those of you with the green, and I know that you’re out there, this is the best — albeit only — show you’ll ever see that combines ABBA’s greatest hits with a lovely tale of “love, laughter and friendship.” Also, even if you miss it tonight, there’s no reason to fret, because all that ABBA-y goodness continues through July 27th.

But if you’re feeling more pimped-out weedhead than Broadwayed-out discoSwede, there’s always the rather odd pairing of the iconic Snoop Dogg with 311 (who will almost certainly be playing that ubiquitous radio darling “Down” that topped the charts, like, 10 years ago or something) at Penn’s Landing. Tickets are $49.50 for general admission, which seems like a bit much, cash-strapped or not. Word is that Snoop will hit the questionable but still well populated G Lounge tonight after the 7 p.m. show. — Jordan Hickey

But you don’t HAVE to take off all your clothes. Here are 10 (or more) ways to ensure a figuratively cool weekend …

• If, like me, you use window air-conditioners and, like me, you haven’t installed them yet, take advantage of your summer hours and do so today, because Philadelphia in the high 90s can be a truly miserable experience.

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Your time is precious. Here are five stellar ways to consider spending it …

• The egotistical and extraordinary Kanye West brings his critically acclaimed Glow in the Dark Tour to the Susquehanna Center on Saturday night. There’s not a single seat left in the house, but you should be able to find something on Craigslist, and Sherry’s Tickets on 15th street has 18th row from the stage for about $150 each (215-561-5544). If you get there early, you’ll have to sit through Lupe and Rihanna, which you might not care to do.

• Also egotistical and extraordinary but in a less cool way, FBI-raided illusionist David Copperfield will inspire awe and female swooning at the Academy all weekend. I’ve seen him a couple of times and, although he’s likely to do the same tricks as before, I’m going again, which says something about either the quality of his work or my lack of a social calendar.

• Like books? The Free Library’s Second Annual Book Festival has lots of ’em, and their authors, too. Look for headliners Barbara Walters and Bernadette Peters (who apparently has a book out) in addition to Philly Mag contributors Ben Wallace (The Billionaire’s Vinegar: The Mystery of the World’s Most Expensive Bottle of Wine) and Vicki “World’s Most Hated Mom” Glembocki (The Second Nine Months: One Woman Tells the REAL Truth About Becoming a Mom).

• As if the Italian Market isn’t overcrowded enough, it’s the 9th Street Italian Market Festival this Saturday and Sunday. Sounds like it’s a lot less Italian than it used to be, sort of like South Philly itself. I’ll be grabbing a meatball sandwich (or maybe some tamales if the tamale lady is around), hopefully some homemade wine (shhhh!) and catching a set by the thoroughly non-Italian Black Landlord, one of my favorite Philly bands (they perform 3 p.m. on Sunday).

• If you’re shorebound, you’ll find that Chris Rock at the Borgata is sold out, Jim Breuer (fellow SNL alum, also at the Borgata) is not, and then there’s ’80s pop star Deborah Gibson, whose show is actually supposed to be pretty entertaining if you’re into the whole pop-meets-Broadway conceit. If you are, $25 tickets are available, and be sure to check out my interview with Ms. Gibson.

Normally, I would tell you to get out to the Film Festival’s last weekend. But the good folks behind it have done such a bang up job that everything I’d want to see is sold out. Even the shows they added due to popular demand — sold out. So here are some other thoughts on how to spend the next couple of rainy days …

CONCERTS
Local sax veteran Bootsie Barnes joins trumpeter John Swana at Chris’ Jazz Cafe (Saturday, 8 p.m., $20; 10 p.m. $15). Carlos Santana’s Saturday show at the Borgata is sold out, but tickets are still around for tonight (7 p.m., $75.50-$125.50) — and congratulations to Rich Woods, who won the pair of tickets I gave away in this week’s Go-To Guide (if you want to sign up for the Go-To Guide to get in on ticket giveaways, go here). Frenetic Klezmer band The West Philadelphia Orchestra tears up the North Star (Saturday, 9 p.m., $12). And the not-exactly soft-spoken Saul Williams brings his poetic hip-hop to the Troc tonight (8 p.m., $15).

THEATER
Everyone seemed to love the Arden’s production of August Wilson’s The Piano Lesson, which ends this Sunday. So it will be interesting to see what Delaware Theatre Company can do to top it, as they open the same exact show. All I can say is, good luck.

COMEDY
From Comedy Central’s Premium Blend, Rodney Laney will attempt to elicit a few laughs at Helium (Friday and Saturday, 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. both nights; $20-$30). Germophobe and host of guilty pleasure Deal or No Deal Howie Mandel does his shtick at Caesars in A.C. (Saturday, 9 p.m., $40-$60). And if you, for whatever reason, think that Joy Behar is funny, the Borgata will happily accept your money (Saturday, 9 p.m., $39.50-$45).

HIP-HOP/R&B
Just a week ago, it seemed that the blockbuster Mary J. Blige/Jay-Z concert at the Wachovia Center was sold out, with only single tickets — i.e., you couldn’t sit next to your date — available. But thanks to last-minute production changes, lots of front-row, dead-center seats just came up for grabs for a mere $350. I’m not sure if that means that the people who thought that they were in the front row are now actually in the second row, but now is not the time for empathy or compassion. Now is the time to go to one of those insta-return tax places and cash out on what will be (assuming that the reviews from the other cities on the tour are any indication) an immensely memorable way to spend Sunday night. If you need to warm yourself up, dance the night away tonight with Philly’s own funkateers, The Blue Method at the North Star ($10).

JAZZ
If the idea of jazz saxophone makes you think of that slow, geriatric Kenny-G filled station that you should have erased long ago from your car radio’s presets, you need to get deprogrammed by Mr. Wayne Shorter tonight at the Kimmel ($26 to $74). Shorter’s music leans towards the out there. It’s what they call jazz fusion, which long ago became a bad word just because there was so much lousy stuff around. But 75-year-old Shorter, who has performed with Miles Davis, Herbie Hancock, Maynard Ferguson, and Weather Report, is a legend and at the top of the game. And over at Chris’ Jazz Cafe, the second-annual Big Band Festival runs through Sunday. Most promising is Saturday night with the Jump City Jazz Orchestra, with special guest saxman Larry McKenna ($15 to $20).

SPORTS
Yes, the Phillies‘ home opener against the Nationals (as in the team that stole all of our hopes and dreams last season) on Monday is sold out, though there are plenty of tickets moving around on Craigslist, and you could always watch it on TV, minus the spilled beer and Schmitter. To quench your thirst in the meantime, pay a visit to the National Constitution Center’s Baseball As America exhibit, reviewed in our brand-new April issue by our own very capable Bridget Salmons, whom I never would have guessed to be a closeted baseball junkie, what with the nose ring and all.

MOVIES
Should none of the new movies previewed in this morning’s Flick Filter interest you, try one of these oldies but goodies. 007 does his debonair spy-lover thing in The Man With the Golden Gun at the Colonial on Sunday. Before Pee Wee was exposed as a perv, he had his Big Adventure, at the County Theater in Doylestown on Saturday. And the new Franklin Theater at the Franklin Institute gets graphic this weekend with The Terminator (Friday) and T2 (Saturday).

If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, consult this handy guide to the shows soon to go on sale …

Fans of hip-hop and R&B, get your credit cards ready, because there is no shortage of killer shows for your enjoyment. The one I’m most excited about: Bootsy Collins (pictured) — the enigmatic and a little bit crazy man who pretty much invented the funk bass — is bringing his Tribute to the Godfather of Soul to the Electric Factory on May 1st ($40, on sale this Friday at 10 a.m.). In support of their fantastic and soon-to-be-released (there’s an advance copy floating around the office) new album, Rising Down, The Roots team up with Gnarls Barkley on June 7th at Penn’s Landing ($49.50, also this Friday at 10 a.m.). And significantly less riveting but still worth mentioning, the very respectable Erykah Badu graces the Tower (wish more acts would go there) on May 11th ($39.50 to $60, on sale Monday at 10 a.m.).

For a show that couldn’t be any more demographically different from the aforementioned acts, look no further than those British madmen known as Iron Maiden. Though I’m not a tremendous fan, I do admit to playing “The Number of the Beast” in the morning at the office if I am overly tired (read: hung over). It does wonders. Camden will never be the same after their appearance at the Susquehanna Bank Center (the old Tweeter, in case you haven’t been keeping track) on June 17th ($29.50 to $75, on sale Saturday at 11 a.m.).

And for those of you who find all of this appalling and have absolutely no musical taste, you’ll always have Belinda Carlisle. Yes, I said it: Belinda Carlisle. Now, the Go-Go’s are perfectly OK by me. They served a purpose at a certain time in a certain place. But some solo careers are best left unpursued, and Miss Heaven Is a Place on Earth should have let go a long time ago. (That said, she absolutely should continue posing nude in men’s magazines, like she did in 2001 at the age of 42.) If you vehemently disagree with my read on her musical talent, head to A.C. on May 17th when she takes a gamble at the House of Blues ($35 to $47, on sale Friday at 10 a.m.).

Philly got one notch cooler last night. I know this because my cab driver nearly drove off the Walnut Street bridge after he asked who I was going to see at World Café Live and I shot back with a proud “Wyclef!” (Alas, I couldn’t sneak him in.)

Wired 96.5 threw one hell of a party, inviting the reggae-rap-pop star/songwriter/producer to take the stage for an exclusive group of call-in winners. He performed crowd-pleasers like the old-school “Gone Till November,” some of his myriad joint efforts like Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie,” plus his latest hit, “Sweetest Girl,” and others from new album Carnival II: Memoirs of an Immigrant.

The show was more than intimate — Clef performed three songs with a flock of 40 or so ladies on stage fighting to get closest to him, then took off his jacket and shirts and handed them to said smitten ladies. Along the way, he stumped for his man Obama and freestyled about how we Philadelphians have got to do our part to “stop the fighting” here and end the murder crisis. We’re working on it, Wy. Now get Lauren to quit messing around and bring back our Fugees. — Jessica Remo

Yesterday, I tipped you off to the Kanye West pre-sale that was supposed to have started at 10 a.m. this morning. Around 10:05, I started getting e-mails from annoyed readers who told me that the password GLOW wasn’t working.

Turns out that in their “VIP List” e-mail, POWER99 gave me the correct password but the wrong date for the pre-sale, which actually begins tomorrow (i.e., Friday) morning at 10 a.m. When I called the station to get to the bottom of this, the woman who answered the phone told me, “Listen, I’m not going to have this conversation with you. I don’t write those e-mails.” So, I apologize on the station’s behalf for any confusion.

If you caught Kanye West’s recent set at the Grammys — and he does make himself pretty hard to miss — you will, no doubt, recall the glow-in-the-dark costume during his riveting performance of “Stronger” (which, by the way, is pretty much impossible to find on YouTube thanks to the intellectual property police). Expect more phosphorescence as West brings his Glow-In-The-Dark Tour to Philly (well, Camden anyway) on Saturday, May 17th, with special guests Rihanna (so hot, but the “Umbrella” song so lame) and Chicago’s Lupe Fiasco.

If you want to be down in front, you’ve got to do the internet pre-sale thing tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. The password is GLOW. Tickets are $34.50 to $100, not counting the undoubtedly exorbitant Ticketmaster surcharges.

THEATER
A big bravo to the brand-new Mauckingbird Theatre Company for selling out the remainder of its very first show, The Misanthrope, an all-male gay retelling of Molière’s comedic masterpiece at the Adrienne. This being a Thursday and all, tonight is your best chance to get in, so show up early (no later than 6:30) and put yourself on the waiting list. (If you don’t get in, you could catch the 7:30 showing of George Clooney’s new pic, Michael Clayton, a few doors down at the Roxy.)

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