If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, consult this handy little guide to the shows soon to go on sale …

• Trippy discofunkateers Earth, Wind & Fire solider into Upper Darby’s Tower Theater on Tuesday, September 16th for a little “September,” “Boogie Wonderland” and “Fantasy.” Unlike a lot of “reunion” acts, EWF’s shows are tight, energetic and a whole lotta fun. $55 to $85. On sale Saturday at 10 a.m.

• If I were ruler of the world, impressionists would be banned. BANNED, I tell you. But I am not. So you are still free to enjoy the supposed funniness of Frank Caliendo, who heads to the Tower on Saturday, October 11th. $41.75. On sale Friday at 10 a.m.

• I have to be honest with you. I actually thought that Bob Newhart was dead. Not in the way that you might say that you thought Samantha Fox or Kato Kaelin was dead. Like, actually dead. Well, either I am wrong or they’re practicing some kind of voodoo out in Hershey, where Newhart or perhaps the Ghost of Newhart will do whatever it is that he or it does these days on Saturday, September 6th. $49.50 to $75. On sale Saturday at 10 a.m.

If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, consult this handy guide to the shows soon to go on sale …

First John Mellencamp performed for Obama, now he’s scheduled to do so for Hillary in Indiana, and then for you at the Mann Music Center on July 8th. Something tells me this is going to be one of those annoying concerts where you want to hear “Jack and Diane” but all he wants to do is wax politic. $65 to $95. On sale this Saturday, 10 a.m.

The O’Jays, Stylistics, Bluenotes, Delfonics, MFSB and Soul Survivors remind us what The Sound of Philadelphia was all about at the Borgata on June 7th. $45 to $75. On sale this Saturday, 10 a.m.

Journey brings their anthemic power ballads, not to mention Heart and Cheap Trick, to Hershey Park on August 28th. $85 to $125. On sale this Saturday, 10 a.m.

And finally, the Black Crowes and their peace-loving, jam- (and weed-) crazy fans take over the Fillmore at the TLA for not one, not two, but three nights, July 1st through 3rd. $46. On sale this Friday, 10 a.m.

$25 a laugh … Three hundred and twenty-five bucks to see Billy Crystal at the Borgata? Sheesh. I always knew I was in the wrong line of work, but this is ridiculous. Should your pockets not run quite so deep but you still need a few laughs, master impersonator Frank Caliendo — also at the Borgata — comes in at a much more reasonable $39.50. Both gentlemen perform Friday and Saturday night, as does Jimmy Shubert (King of Queens, Comedy Central Presents …), whose Helium shows will set you back a mere $30 for a reserved seat ($25 unreserved).

Both gay but in totally different ways … And now from the department of Back from the Dead, I give you the Moody Blues, who are unique in that they achieved success while completely eluding coolness, on any level. The Tower seems like the perfect place for a little “Nights in White Satin.” I do hope they recite the poem at the end — you know: “Breathe deep the gathering gloom …” But it’s my birthday, and the Moody Blues are far too serious for birthday galavanting. Perhaps the B-52s at the Electric Factory will do the trick. The Blues and the Bs both play tonight, so if you are part of the nonexistent demographic that would have a hard time choosing which of the two shows to attend, I guess you have something thinking to do.

A little local talent … Saxman Bootsie Barnes blows at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight. Folksy Linda Cohen, who was something at one time, sees if she still is with a Sunday gig at Tin Angel. And for those who like their music loud and jumpy, punk/funk Black Landlord takes the Khyber on Saturday.

My boss made me do it … All the old guys in my office talk about former Inquirer columnist Steve Lopez, who apparently was at one time the great savior of Philadelphia journalism. Steve Lopez this, Steve Lopez that. And it’s always “Steve Lopez,” full name. Never “Steve” or “Lopez,” which in this business is a level of respect afforded to few. It kind of feels like when my dad gets all teary-eyed over Tom Landry. Anyway, Steve Lopez recently wrote a book called The Soloist, about a homeless musical genius in Los Angeles, which Steve Lopez now calls home. And it sounds like Steve Lopez is doing all right for himself, since they’re now making a movie of the book starring Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. Not too shabby. On Saturday, my boss — Larry Platt — will drool over interview Steve Lopez about all of this at the Free Library.

From drag queens to Orwell … Lots of new plays to consider. The short list: Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Latvian Society (reviewed by our new critic, MB Case); Animal Farm at Mum Puppettheatre (the Inquirer called it “just right”); and Bug by Tracy Letts, who just won the 2008 Pulitzer for drama, at Christ Church.

And for the little terrors … Seems like a perfect weekend to visit Longwood Gardens, where spring is out of hand. On Saturday, they debut three brand-new tree houses — Lookout Loft, Canopy Cathedral, and the Birdhouse — with lots of educational activities for your budding arborist, though I might steer them more in the direction of “tree surgeon,” given the price that this guy quoted me recently to save my dying tree. (I cut it down with a chainsaw.)

New Orleans outfit Papa Grows Funk (pictured) hits up World Cafe Live for a little dirty swamp funk from the Bayou (9 p.m.; $10) … Hottie Danish violinist Nikolaj Znaider joins the Philadelphia Orchestra on musical selections from Stanley Kubrick’s monumental 2001: A Space Odyssey at the Kimmel (8 p.m.; $38 to $115) … And over at the Film Festival, where there have been lots of sellouts, Heavy Metal in Baghdad, an intriguing documentary about Acrassicauda, possibly Iraq’s only headbanging band, is not sold out. At least not yet. At International House. (7:15 p.m.; $10).

If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, consult this handy guide to the shows soon to go on sale …

Former James Brown saxman Maceo Parker (pictured) brings his suave stage show — one that the Godfather himself would approve of completely — to the House of Blues in A.C. on Thursday, June 12th. $28.50-$31. On sale Saturday, 10 a.m.

Alluring trumpeter Chris Botti, who has collaborated with everyone from Sinatra to Jill Scott to Paul Simon, will squeak and squeal at the HOB on Friday, October 17th. Yes, they’re already selling shows for THE FALL. $37-$64. On sale Saturday, 10 a.m.

Back-from-the-dead Steve Miller Band and Joe Cocker will attempt to rock the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel on Sunday, July 20th. $20.25-$75.25. On sale Saturday, 10 a.m.

Personally, I’d much rather see a thought-provoking act like Radiohead in an intimate venue such as the Tower, but I guess if all I can get is an outdoor show at Susquehanna Bank Center (once known as the Tweeter), so be it. Tuesday, August 12th. $39.75-$59.75. On sale Saturday, 10 a.m.

And, um. Wait, this can’t be right. Menudo? Menudo? As in the boy band? I just don’t understand. Aren’t they all dead? Apparently, some form of it lives on. See for yourself (or don’t) at the Fillmore/TLA. Sunday, May 18th. $22.50. On sale Friday, noon.

The air at the Keswick last night was hot and thick with emotion, the people around me murmuring and hollering, a woman swaying rhythmically at the front of the room. It felt like a Baptist service, but that was clearly Victor Wooten, unordained bassist extraordinaire, up on the stage.

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