HEY, CHIRL: Help, I’m Scared of My Boyfriend’s Sex Toys!
The holidays are here, which means it’s time for our annual fight over whose family we spend them with. Is there any fair formula to decide?
Chirl, first off, be happy that both of your families want you present, and, more important, that you want to be with them. (I’d rather endure a Gilbert Gottfried show than suffer Arthur’s aunt and her comments about “the gays.”) Easiest plan: Alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas every year (if one of you is Jewish, the other gets Christmas), then spend New Year’s away from both clans. You’ll need a drink by then anyway.
My new guy is awesome in every way—except his taste in music is that of a 12-year-old girl. Can you really date a man who loves Miley Cyrus?
Chirl, unless he’s playing “The Climb” during sex, what’s on his iPod is moot. You can always find friends to go to see Dropkick Murphys with. Finding true love? Not so easy. Invest in good earphones and be thankful his worst trait is that he listens to music from iCarly.
My boyfriend feels our sex life has gotten predictable. He wants to introduce some toys, and I said I’d try it. But he’s bought enough stuff for a porn studio, and some of it looks … painful. But I’d feel like a bitch if I were to say no now.
Chirl, what the hell did he buy—a rutabaga and a chainsaw? You’re to be applauded for your open-mindedness, but having you shaking in terror isn’t exactly going to fire up the passion. Pick one toy (or buy your own) you feel you can handle, try it—and make sure he takes a turn. Progressing up the kink ladder doesn’t mean leaping.
I think I want to propose marriage. Ring or no ring? It seems so … hetero.
Chirl, while I know we all want to be “different” from the straights (it’s fine for them to co-opt our fashion sense, music, and aversion to carbs, but somehow anathema for us to take anything from them), the engagement ring is a powerful, public symbol that you’re ready to sign on the dotted line (hopefully of a generous pre-nup). I’ve been marching Arthur past the windows at Tiffany for a year, and one of these days that black Amex is going to get slapped on the counter. Or he’ll just get slapped.
When we first got together, I was, objectively, hotter than my boyfriend. Now he’s hired a trainer and getting lots of attention. It’s making me jealous. I feel like an idiot, but I don’t know what to do.
Chirl, nothing will kill a relationship quicker than the green-eyed monster. (Though pleated khakis come a close second.) Start going to the trainer with him and enjoy the results, or find someone—preferably with a PhD or MSW after their name—to sort out your jealousy. Because really: Who doesn’t want the guy every other guy wants?
Shockingly, my boss has begun flirting with me. (I thought he was straight.) He’s funny, successful, and hot. If we start something and it goes badly my career could go into the tank, but I can’t stop thinking about him sexually. should i just go for it?
Chirl, do you have a trust fund to fall back on? A comparable job waiting for you somewhere else? Sex is easy to find; good jobs, not so much. Keep your head down at the office and find another guy after hours to act out your naughty boss fantasies.