Five Tiger Traps for Woods to Avoid

While the celeb golfer's in town for the U.S. Open, he should skip the top 10 Philly-area restaurants for philanderers.

Perhaps you, like me, heard that the U.S. Open was coming to Ardmore and thought, “Ooh, tennis.”

Then you heard it was a golf thing and thought, “Oh, I can ignore that because golf is just people walking around carrying bags of sticks.”

But you can’t. Because the U.S. Open is what people who don’t fall asleep watching golf call “a major tournament.” And Tiger Woods, the only golfer TMZ has ever bothered to cover (on account of famously cheating on his now-ex-wife, Elin Nordegren), is playing in it. Woods will likely have his new girlfriend, bombshell Olympic skier Linsdey Vonn, in tow. And he’s classily handling the racially insensitive remarks of knuckleheaded golfing Spaniard Sergio Garcia by shaking hands and refusing to become engaged in discussion about said remarks.

All of which means the local news will lead with golf, our news feeds will be cluttered with bogeys and birdies, and the #phillytigersighting hashtag will no longer be just a handy way to keep tabs on the region’s striped jungle cats.

I’m not immune to Tigermania. But while other outlets will be focused on where Tiger is, or where he should go, I offer Tiger himself this handy guide to the places he should avoid while in the Philadelphia region. After all, a guy whose personal and professional reputation is on the mend needs to proceed cautiously.

1.) The American Swedish Historical Museum. Tiger’s ex, Swedish former model Ms. Nordegren, has proven that there’s no grudge like a Swedish grudge. Nordegren, according to unnamed sources, is furious about Woods’ romance with Vonn. Woods should be aware that Philadelphia has a long Swedish heritage and also that the American Swedish Historical Museum in South Philadelphia is rumored to be riddled with booby traps for just such a scenario. Ditto Ikea.

2.) Barclay Prime. Or Morton’s. Or Amis … Or any of the restaurants (Ruby Tuesday!) on adultery depot’s list of Top 10 spots to nosh with your paramour. Even if he’s dining with Vonn, it’s all about perception.

3.) Wherever these guys are. The Israelite School of Universal Practical Knowledge, haters of women, whites and homosexuals, was recently booted from its loudspeaker pulpit at Liberty Place. We can only imagine they’d not be fans of Woods’ taste in women. And Woods, after enduring Fuzzy Zoeller’s fried chicken comedy tour, should give these, ahem, fuzzy zealots a wide birth. (But seriously, these assholes use loudspeakers to shout down race mixing and white people).

4.) comments. Mr. Woods should avoid, if at all possible, reading about his accomplishments at the home of commenters who can find a racial angle for any story. Instead, hear about it in the relatively sane world of local TV news.

5.) Sergio Garcia. Yes, Sergio has apologized for his own trip down Zoeller lane, but come on. It’s 2013, people.