From Butt Injections to Wedding Brawls: The Best and Worst of Philly Crime in 2012

This has been a hell of a year for unlawful Philadelphians.

There’s a lot of journalistic grumbling about lists, and I get it: They’re sort of cheaper versions of journalism, packaged in an inane format for bored people with low attention spans. But, whatever, I’m a bored person with a low attention span. I don’t mind learning information in list form! Show me a headline about the five most badass Catholic popes and I’ll not only click, I’ll probably come back to read it again later.

And end-of-year lists have to be my favorite. They’re great not only because you get to learn about great things you missed in music or movies or popes (Top Popes of 2012: Benedict XVI) but also because it’s so incredibly arbitrary when we pick the New Year. It’s like when they bring in the chains to measure where the football is based on where the referee thought the ball was when the player was tackled. Do end-of-year lists come out around the Chinese New Year?

Ahem. Anyway, here’s another end-of-year list: The best in Philadelphia crime of 2012! Quite a few funny things this happened among all the sad crime news in Philadelphia this year, and these were some of my favorites.

Wedding brawling

So, this happened.

That type of behavior usually reserved for 2 a.m. in Old City happened this in October at the Sheraton Society Hill. Though there was something in common with an Old City brawl, as police spokesman Ray Evers said that “there was an issue with a lot of alcohol fueling the fight.” The brawl was actually between two wedding parties at the Sheraton. Two suspects were in court last week; cops testified one of the defendants punching and kicking a police sergeant.

Tire slashing

I wrote about this a bit during my Halloween post, for some reason, but here’s the quick-n-dry: For months, a tire slasher plagued Mayfair, slashing dozens of tires of cars in the neighborhood. The most outspoken neighbor on the news was David Toledo, who told NBC 10: “The $10,000 reward, I don’t want the money, all I want is their hands so I can smash them so they can never do it again.” Right. On April 26, the police arrested Toledo for slashing the neighborhood’s tires. “I think he’s being set up,” his mom told NBC.

Unlicensed dentistry

Two Broomall women were arrested after police say they ran a dental practice without a license. Cops say the two ran a cash-only dentistry after hours, offering low rates to uninsured patients. Philly Confidential notes: “One patient told investigators he was in excruciating pain for 45 minutes while Laing pulled his tooth, and another said that Laing left the room during her root canal, urging the untrained Gullickson to ‘find the root.'” I am in pain just thinking about this.

Guitar theft

I’m no Sonic Youth fan and I’m tempted to think whoever stole Thurston Moore’s guitar was doing everyone a favor. But that’s silly: Not even the worst musicians deserve to have their gear stolen, and my feelings on Sonic Youth are more indifference than hate. Also, it was a 1966-era Fender Jazzmaster guitar worth $20,000! That’s not right. Plus, duh, Moore can easily acquire another guitar to replace his stolen one.

Fake jewelry theft

Just last week, a man smashed open a display case at the Marriott and grabbed handfuls of jewelry. Whoops! Turns out they were replicas.

Illegal butt injections

I cannot phrase this any better than Daily News writer Stephanie Farr did in the lede to her October 11 story: “The Black Madam’ offered two types of illegal booty enhancements—bubble butts and teardrops—but what the transgender gothic hip-hop artist gave to one British tourist was death, according to court testimony.” (This happened in 2011, but it’s in the courts now, so it gets in on a technicality.)

Attempted pharmacy robbery

This dude tried to rob a pharmacy. He fell through the ceiling.

Hmm, actually, I think this needs to be expressed in animated GIF form.

There we go. Much better.