We’ll See Your Mike Tyson and Spike Lee and Raise You Donovan McNabb and Quentin Tarantino
We were recently treated with the wonderful (?) news that Mike Tyson would be gracing us with a one-man Broadway show. What’s more, is that it’s going to be a Spike Lee project. This got us thinking: What other athlete-director pairs should have the chance to take the stage and entertain us? Enter Metta World Peace.
Ron Artest Metta World Peace, directed by Christopher Nolan. This would be an epic, a blockbuster for the stage. It would be a two-and-a-half hour show in which Metta provides a lofty commentary on the definition of “happiness.” At the end, there’s a top spinning, but the lights cut out before it topples. Did it topple? The audience is left pondering whether the events on the stage were a literal, linear story or the skewed reality through the eyes of Metta World Peace. They’ll never get an answer.
Tim Tebow, directed by Mel Gibson. People would flood theaters to see anything starring Tebow. But, add Gibson at the helm and bill it as a prequel to the Passion of Christ, and there wouldn’t be enough tickets to go around.
Charlie Manuel, directed by Woody Allen. Picture this: a dark stage with a miniature, yellow spotlight on a wooden stool, slightly off-center. Enter Charlie Manuel. For the next two hours, Charlie squints at cue cards and attempts to read excerpts from DeSean Jackson’s Twitter feed.
Grind hard so I shine in Tha Dark!!
Jaccpot an Da Brat…Like Dat!!
When they keep talkin about u.. The u doing something Right.. KEEP MY NAME TURNT UP!! Motivation
Allen is known for his hands-off directorial style—he often tells actors not to worry about the exact words on the page—so he’d be perfect to give Cholly the artistic flexibility he needs to make this show a real success.
Terrell Owens, directed by Sylvester Stallone. Picture the training montage in Rocky IV. Now picture the training montage in Rocky IV with T.O. doing drive-way sit-ups. You can add an audience participation aspect by allowing people in attendance to hurl insults and questions at Owens while Drew Rosenhaus stands behind him yelling, “Next question!”
Lenny Dykstra, directed by Frank Darabont. The master of the prison drama takes on a new subject in Nails, who struggles to fit into his new environment—the celebrity wing of a California prison. Darabont’s opening scene would hold nothing back as it brings to life the actual scene in which Dykstra draped a sheet over himself and poked a waist-high hole for his genitals in an attempt to earn the friendship of Dr. Conrad Murray and James DeBarge. The show would, obviously, be called Ghost Penis.
Bryce Harper, directed by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. The minds behind BASEketball and The Book of Mormon return to live theater to direct baseball’s wonder-kid in a musical with a Wizard of Oz-style take. Cole Hamels would play the antagonist who follows Harper trying to peg Harper (and his little dog, Swag, too) with fastballs. It will feature award-winning numbers like, “That’s a Clown Question, Bro” and “Oops! I Hit Myself in the Head With a Bat.”
Donovan McNabb, directed by Quentin Tarantino. The reigning king of hypothetical revenge flicks takes his talents to Broadway to present the imagined revenge of a quarterback scorned by a city he feels took him for granted. Tarantino’s fictional account picks up with McNabb’s stint in Washington and re-imagines the season as his career is reinvigorated and he leads the Redskins to a Super Bowl, much to the chagrin of Iggles fans.
Broad Street Bullies, directed by Rob Zombie. The hard-hitting Stanley Cup champion Flyers of the ’70s lay waste to the competition in a show directed by the man behind House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects. VIOLENCE! HARD ROCK! STROBE LIGHTS! Oh, and this one is actually a thing that’s happening.