Relating: Everything Blue

Mark Kingsdorf, wedding planner and owner of Philadelphia’s the Queen of Hearts Wedding Consultants, says that this, actually, isn’t unusual — and that it’s not necessarily our fault. “It’s the only topic friends and family talk to brides about during the whole planning process,” he says. “Everyone feeds into that ‘you’ve got no life outside the wedding’ mentality.” I did find this to be true in my experience, although I’ll admit that while I spent countless hours fielding questions about my centerpiece flowers, I also started a lot of those conversations on my own: Nothing is better for killing the awkwardness of elevator rides or work functions than wedding talk, and I definitely missed having that go-to topic in my back pocket.

Philadelphia- and Doylestown-based clinical psychologist Cynthia Baum-Baicker confirmed that a loss is exactly what I felt — and what lots of other brides feel after their wedding days have come and gone. But it turns out that feeling isn’t just because the pretty party is over: “Loss is involved in every change in life,” says Baum-Baicker, “and a bride has loss of her role as a single person, loss of personal space, loss of control, loss of communicating with family members and friends during the planning.” Even if you were shacked up before the wedding and it seems like not much has changed, it has, she says: “Before, there was always an exit door, so after the marriage, there is a role change, regardless.” And it takes time to adjust to this new role, no matter how subtle it may seem — Baum-Baicker even pointed out that I stumbled over the word “husband” earlier in our conversation when recounting my experience (which was also the point at which this “interview” turned into a “session”). Even after a year of marriage, I was still learning about my new role — and apparently, just what to call my, um, well, er … husband.

It’s hard to acknowledge the possibility of the post-wedding blues when you are currently so consumed with finding something blue, but being aware beforehand might make that descent on the return honeymoon flight less of a nosedive. Both Baum-Baicker and Kingsdorf agree: Don’t lose yourself or your relationship in the planning process. “I always encourage couples to take one night a week and not talk about wedding stuff,” says Kingsdorf, who also suggests doing something totally real-life together, something that you and your partner can pursue after the wedding is over, like learning how to cook. And Baum-Baicker cautions the bride-to-be not to lose sight of herself during this crazy time, when she’s running around taking care of all things wedding. (Which begs one reason why grooms often bounce back to pre-wedding life quicker than brides: “Some of their time is involved with wedding projects, but guys are still mostly doing what they did before this whole thing began,” says Kingsdorf.)

You could also focus on a new project soon after the wedding, like decorating the home you are making as a married couple, suggests Kingsdorf. (Psst: For a subscription to our home magazine go to phillymaghome.com.) Or, he says, “Start hanging out with other married couples and throwing dinner parties actually using all that swag you scored off your registry.”

I wound up doing these things subconsciously, and it really did help get me back to my former, albeit married, self. But mostly, what really pushed me back to reality was when I learned to let go. My friend Janine calls it “enjoying the normalcy of marriage”; Baum-Baicker calls it critical: “You have to work hard on not ruminating, or else you will just keep bumming yourself out more.”

So move on, sister. And then throw out this magazine, for good.