Lord of the Barflies
Back on The Real World: Philadelphia’s “Altercations,” a clash of civilizations is about to occur. Landon, a jock in the Real World house with a tendency to black out, tries and fails to self-impose a “five-drink rule.” Melanie brings Shawn Gormley and a half dozen other liberally tattooed employees of Drinker’s Tavern home with her. Landon tells Melanie to “step the [bleep)] down” when they attempt to enter the house; Melanie tries to reason with him; a member of the Drinker’s clan threatens to break Landon’s “[bleep]-ing jaw.” Later, Landon arms himself with three kitchen knives.
Amidst all this, another Drinker, all skinny tattooed arms, casually walks to the refrigerator and removes a beer.
“I think I LOVE that guy that got the Corona with Landon just glaring at him, and not even batting an eyelash,” wrote a lurker in a Real World online forum the day after the episode aired.
“Not that Landon needs any help looking like an asshole, but that guy’s reaction just brought it out to perfection,” added another.
Eventually, the forum christened him, a barback named Palmer, “CoronaGuy.” He became a short-lived reality TV folk hero: One weekend, a carload of Harrisburg teens drove to Old City just to meet him in person.
Palmer doesn’t work Tuesday nights, but over a signature “Twizzler” (Jägermeister + Red Bull = better than either on its own, which is not to say that is good), I find myself having a pretty great time with the rest of the CoronaGuys. They’re all from Kensington, well-versed in the liquor-pouring arts. They still talk to Melanie; she’s in California doing the Real World/Road Rules Challenge; she was a really normal person, they say, not like they made her out on the show. When Hornik’s publicist wanted to call local gossip Dan Gross about all her sightings, they didn’t let her.
Someone plays the 1994 British hit “Common People” by the band Pulp on the jukebox. It’s the kind of song that’s a regular in Philly bars filled with youngsters with much more expensive haircuts and college degrees than this one; the kind of song popular with precisely the trustafarians it skewers:
She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge,
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin’s College,
That’s where I caught her eye
She told me that her Dad was loaded,
I said “In that case I’ll have a rum and Coca-Cola.”
She said “Fine,” and in 30 seconds time —
At this point, the Drinker’s guys begin to hop around boisterously, mugging for an imaginary microphone as the chorus starts:
She said, “I want to live like common people,
I want to do whatever common people do,
I want to sleep with common people,
I want to sleep with common people,
Like you.”
