Gay Sex in the Philly City: To Those Gay Couples on Grindr, Here’s the Deal
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Glenn Close’s character Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction and I have quite a few similarities. Mostly, I feel like I’d end up killing or at least maiming someone I had an affair with only to later find out he was in a relationship. This is why I refuse to meet a guy on Grindr who’s open about having a boyfriend. The whole thing would end in disaster, most likely for him …
This is not a total referendum on couples on Grindr. That’s their business—and presumably something they decided to do together. When it does become my business is when you approach me on Grindr, or, when, in your public life, you chirp on about how virtuous you and your partner are, how gay marriage is your calling card, and how lovey-dovey you are with your husband or boyfriend … and then you log on to your hookup app du jour to “browse.”
Case in point: A relatively high-profile performer was in Philly several months ago with his husband. He had used his notoriety to publicize his own marriage, to the point where his ceremony made national news, because a well-known politician performed the vows. While he was in town, I couldn’t log in to Grindr, Scruff, you name it, without seeing both him and his partner online. I even received a nearly incomprehensible message from him, clearly while he was wasted.
He hasn’t been the only partnered marriage equality advocate I’ve seen on an app. I’ve discovered well-known politicians and others, who identify themselves as being in a relationship, poking around on hookup apps. To me, this is hypocritical.
Some have made the choice to be in an open relationship. Fine. That’s obviously their call, and I know there are many straight folks who do the same. The problem starts when your open relationship and whatever “rules” you’ve established as a couple start to impact others, especially emotionally. I was friends with a local young gay couple who, on the surface, looked like the Martha Stewart of relationships: Both were attractive, extremely successful, church-going boys. But there was always that unspoken knowing that they not only were on hookup apps, but that they had approached several of our mutual friends on Grindr for a rendezvous. In one case, it really bothered one of our mutual friends to the point where it just got too uncomfortable and awkward for all of us to hang out anymore. We all knew what was going on behind closed doors.
And another thing: You’re not just on there “looking for friends.” There are plenty of other places to find someone to chat with. And, I’m sorry, if you’re on there to “just look,” aren’t there plenty of other places to do that? I mean, there’s porn, right? What about the gym? A bar? I’m not buying those lines anymore.
Ultimately, taken guys who end up playing on hookup apps are somehow, one way or another, unsatisfied in their relationships, whether it be emotionally or sexually. Something is missing, and no Grindr profile is going to fill that void. Why are you dragging someone else into your own relationship baggage? Plus, you never know: You may be one Scruff message away from landing yourself as the co-star of Fatal Attraction 2.
