My Favorite Drunk-at-the-Shore Stories

I been approached by a publishing house to produce and write a book called Jersey Shore Drunk Stories. It would be a mish-mash collection of stories of my own and those told by others, with a celebrity yarn or there.

Not that the Jersey Shore is all about drunks and wild times. In fact, what I have always loved about the shore was how much it has to offer. If you wanna just chill out all day at the beach and call it an early night, well, that’s there for you. There is great food and fishing and rides for the kids ( and the young at heart).  There is a bunch of different directions you can choose to go with your day. [SIGNUP]

However, there is no denying that drinking plays a major part in the allure of Jersey shore. Don’t ask me to explain it, it just is. There’s not one person reading this right now who can’t at the drop of a hat recite a blow-by-blow account of a night that started with three cases of Miller Lite. “Mary actually was wearing a can on her head and we all went out to Casino Pizza….”

I love the endless generational aspects of it all. Yeah, it seems like yesterday I was taking my daughters to Fun City, and now I sit on my deck and watch them walk up the street heading towards all the clubs. I also love hanging at my Carousel and watching a guy in his mid-twenties, pushing a baby carriage coming down the promenade and staring down into the club muttering to himself, “Wasn’t I just down there two years ago drinking and trying to pick up chicks?” He then spends the next couple of blocks convincing himself that his lot in life is now way better. Poor guy. He’ll be back. He’s  just gotta pay his parenting dues.

Now I know there will be some of you who are going to find these stories immature and irresponsible. To you, I will quote my mother. “Well, that’s just tough turkey.” Here’s three fun stories.

HE RODE A BLAZING SADDLE
Sea Isle once had a movie theater. It was right next to Braca’s where James Candy is now. It might have even been called Braca’s. There were other movie theaters in the town before this one, but it’s this theater I remember.

Me and my buddy Jimmy were at a party that was a real dud. In fact, it was our third lousy party of the night and it was only 9:30. Maybe it was us. Maybe we didn’t get the invites to the good parties. Anyway we’re cutting down the promenade heading towards lousy party #4. We each had a hidden bottle of MD20/20.  Blazing Saddles, a movie that Jimmy and I (and this was before VCR’s) had seen a hundred times and could quote every passage from was playing at the theater. Jimmy sees the marquee and says, “What in the wide world of sports is going on here?”

No way any party is gonna top a night of Mel Brooks!  We buy our tickets an, thanks to the previews, haven’t missed a frame. The air conditioning is barely working, but we got two bottles of MD20/20. What could be better?  Well, I don’t know if its the heat or the fact that we have been drinking for six hours at that point, but the next thing I know were being woken up by an usher. The movie is two-thirds over. The usher apprears to be 15 years old and he’s ticked off. He sees the wine bottle on the floor with his trusty flashlight and says to us with an all-knowing smirk, like he really nabbed us,  “Uh, you didn’t buy that wine in here did ya?  LIKE THIS THEATER SOLD POPCORN, GOOBERS, AND MD20/20!

We got thrown out, but the story lives on. That usher today? Working for the CIA.

I LOVE A PARADE
The four of us had just gotten into town on a Saturday night in July.  It’s only 7 p.m. or so. We were in Tommy’s convertible. We went to a party at 66th St. that had already been broken up by the police. Word was everyone had gone to the OD. So we turn the car around and head downtown when we got pulled over at 55th & Central. At this point we were completely sober, but in fairness to the police, I would have pulled us over too. We LOOKED like trouble. However, the police quickly realize that we are straight and are just about to let us all continue on our way, when one of the officers, looking at the license and the driver says, “And you’re Thomas Bristow, right?   And Tommy replies, “That’s what the license says, doesn’t it, genius?”

Bang. Pow. The next thing you know all four of us are being locked up and you know what for?  PARADING WITHOUT A PERMIT. That was all they could really get us on. We each had to pay a $35 fine. And believe me, we didn’t have a $35 between us. I believe Mouse McCourt ended up spending the night in jail.

My biggest reget to this story? Well, I figured since three of us paid the fine, that meant we now had a permit to throw a parade. We should have grabbed some pots and pans and a guitar and marched down Landis the next day. Now THAT would have been a parade!

HEY,  WHAT’S FOR BREAKFAST?
Sea Isle has many condo unit buildings where there are as many as 10 or 15 units a building. If you’ve had a couple beverages it can all get pretty confusing. Particulary if you’re just down for the night crashing with a casual friends.

Such was the story of one Billy Boyle. Billy arrived at 35th St. one Friday night just in time to throw his duffel bag into a condo where everyone was heading out towards the Dead Dog. Billy might have been in this condo for 15 minutes. Now he’s at the bar throwing them back pretty heavy. He gets seperated from the crowd. His cell phone’s dead.
To make a long story short he heads back  to the condo building, but enters the wrong unit. Who locks doors at the Shore?  He staggers down the a hallway and see’s a bed with no one on it. He closes the door behind him and hits the stack thrilled to have a bed to his own.

He wakes up the next day to a kitchen where a wife, husband, and two kids are having breakfast. He has slept in the wrong condo. Thank god he had his pants on.  NOW THE NEXT PART IS COMPLETELY TRUE.  The wife looks at Billy and says, “Bagel or toast”?

* * *

I really night put together this book, so if you have a great drunk story, send it to me at BIGDADDY295@AOL.COM

SHAMELESS PLUG
It’s not too soon to get your tix for the next TWO FUNNY PHILLY GUYS show starring Joe Conklin and myself.  It’s at the Borgata on Friday night, Sept. 24th at 9 p.m. Go to borgata.com for tix.  

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