Another week, another Real Housewives of New York whirlwind of sartorial insanity. This week, we’ve got some real gems. Sonja performed in a “caburlesque” show wearing a feather bolero and no pants! Kristen wore a ridiculous bathing suit and no pants! Heather wore a negligee to the beach and no pants! Legz … well, Legz wore pants, because Legz is very proper like that. Anyway, let’s get on with it! To the slideshow!
Umbrella Ella Ella
We begin with Sonja, who is going to a dance studio. Why, you ask? She’s hosting a ‘caburlesque’ in the Hamptons. This would be a cabaret-slash-burlesque show, and this would also be an invention of Sonja. She is such a shiny gem of a human being. She’s more than your crazy aunt. She’s your crazy aunt on crack, with nine shots of tequila somewhere in there. And she’s got quite an impressive bod on top of it all.
Secretary of Sequins
I don't quite understand this getup she's got on in her confessional, though. It's like a bad cheap blazer that a secretary would wear, only covered with sequins. And where art thou sassy hair you debuted last week, Sonja?
This pretty much sums up how rehearsals are going for Sonja's caburlesque. She compares herself to Liza Minelli. A truer comparison has never been made. I would give anything to see the two of them together. Make this happen, Bravo.
OMG, retro Sonja! I want more.
MORE Old-School Sonja
I could not love this more.
Housewives Go To The Beach
Oh, a beach day! Carole looks like a fish out of water here. No pun intended. I am team Carole, but it is hard when Carole is wearing boots on the beach. Let's get a better look at what they've got on...
Kristen looks fairly normal. Carole is wearing a very pretty sheer, lace-trimmed robe, which is sort of weird. Heather is actually wearing a negligee. Fail. They are taking surfing lessons. I've done that before. It was the worst day of my life.
These surf instructors are not amused by the lingerie the ladies have on. Surfers care more about waves than lingerie. Are they hot? I'm not sure, but guys who surf and wear wetsuits are like soccer players: From far away, they're all hot. This will be our drinking game this week! Hot(ish) guys = drink.
Watching the Housewives wriggle themselves into wetsuits is hilarious. I feel for them, though. It's impossible. Sort of like Spanx, times a billion. This is why I don’t wear Spanx. Or wetsuits. Or Yummie Tummie. (Sorry, Heather.)
Very Good Instructions
This man is named Charlie. Charlie needs a deep-conditioning treatment for his sun-ravaged locks. Charlie gives very good advice for putting on wetsuits and also pants.
Well, not exactly. See her right there? That was me the first (and last) time I tried to surf. I then used the board as a tanning bed on the beach. Surfing is stupid. There is a reason God made boats.
The only good thing about surfing is when it brings you close to very hot surf instructors. Bottoms up, folks.
Sonja's House But Not Really
So Sonja is basically the most redneck Housewife ever. Her own Hamptons house has no hot water, her car battery died, she relies on unpaid interns to manage her life, and her carpet at home is actually crumbling apart, and not in that weathered, antique textile way. No, it is falling apart in that 'holy crap, your carpet is literally crumbling into dust as I stand on it' way. How does Sonja exist in this world?
Sonja prances around her borrowed house in heels and a bathing suit. I want to like this suit, but the bottom is unflattering in some scenes. Still, kudos to her for not trying to rock a string bikini. Ramona, are you listening? You are in Africa for this episode, but I feel in my heart that if you were here, you'd be wearing a string bikini (maybe in satin!) and I'd hate it.
Sonja prepped for her caburlesque performance by "Googling burlesque moves and phrases they used in the 1920s." That's totally enough, Sonja. Don't sweat it.
Are those Tory Burch patent leather (or plastic?) mules? She needs to burn them. Make it stop.
Kristen and Her Idiot Husband
Sonja recently saw The Great Gatsby and so she made the theme for her caburlesque party "vintage 1920s." This should be interesting.
Well, I guess not everyone got the '20s dress code memo. I don't want to split hairs here, but I don't really think they had one-shoulder neon-splattered dresses in the 1920s. FOLLOW THE THEME. Meanwhile, Legz looks great. It's a subtle take on the '20s trend, and white is always a good call. Fingers crossed she doesn't spill!
J. Lo and Carole
Ooh, Heather! What have you got on? It sorts of looks like her skin is molting, but I also sort of like it. Carole, of course, looks cool. Team Carole 4-Eva.
Carole and Yummie Tummie
I love the straps on Carole's dress, and up close, Heather's dress is actually very pret...WAIT. THE COUNTESS IS HERE?!?!
Money Can't Buy You Class
COUNTESS! She's a bit confused...she's mixing up flamenco party with Gatsby party, but that's okay. Money can't buy you class, but it can buy you a boatload of accessories, so why not wear them all at once?
Legz actually looks very glamourous. I hate the Countess's belt. Take one thing off, honey, and then let's talk.
Kristen and WTF is That Person Wearing?
Speaking of taking one thing off, who the heck is that person over there on the right? I see a fur stole, a headband thing, an open back, a spangly bag...this is not looking good. Let's go in for a closer look. (Oh, and Kristen looks wonderful.)
WHO ARE YOU? GO AWAY
I hate this woman. She is Amanda and she is Legz's "image consultant." Sorry, we need to get even closer to dissect the goiter on her head.
She has wrapped a pair of L'Eggs around her forehead. THAT IS NOT A SUITABLE HEADBAND, IMAGE CONSULTANT.
God's Gift to Earth
SONJA! A feather bolero! False sets (of eyelashes)!
Feather headdresses! Elbow-length gloves!
Carole said it best: “What Sonja lacks in professional training she more than makes up for in balls.” And let's just say she lacks a LOT of training. It's all right, Sonja. When you don't have the talent, just blind them with accessories. And boobs.
The Day After
Now we go to an odd al fresco fashion show. Kristen's friend designs cover-ups and bathing suits and she has brought her collection over so the girls can shop. Carole is nautical, if a bit boring. Heather is appropriate for a summer day, and Sonja will never wear real pants ever again.
Kristen tries on a cover-up and it is very cute. But prepare yourself.
Because she takes it off and there is this! No one should ever wear bathing suits this high-cut. Even our resident model. I can't believe Sonja didn't mow her down to get to this.
He is cute enough and we haven't had a drink in a while so: DRINK. He does look like the jerk cool kid in every '80s movie ever made. And who really sits like that? He must be a prop.
Kristen, Legz, Sonja, Girl I Hate
Now we're at a dinner party at the Countess's house in the Hamptons. (She has hot water, unlike another Housewife I know...) Kristen looks great. Terrific use of color, and another point in the great necklace department. Legz is wearing a sack. All I want in life is for Legz to pull her hair back. Just one messy bun, Legz. Is that too much to ask? Sonja is a bit over-dressed, what with the gold metal halter and all. Maybe she's filling in for Ramona? You know Ramona would be all over that halter top. I will ignore the Image Consultant in hopes that she will go away.
Fighting, Fighting, I Have a Headache.
Carole made a weird fashion misstep. Her pearl tassel earrings feel a bit off with the rest of her look (a cute sheer top and jeans). Don't judge her hat, though. That belongs to her trainer (I think?) and at some point during the night, she took it off his head and plopped it on her own. She was probably drunk, so we cannot judge. Heather, though, put that tree bark maxi dress on while she was sober, I assume, so judge away on that one.
Elegance is Learned, My Friends.
Let's end with the Countess, and her wonderful necklace.
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