Shoppists, I’m here to introduce you to labia makeup. Haven’t heard of it yet? The makeup—which has been around for some time but has just gotten more buzz of late—was created by My New Pink Button and it’s designed to “restore the youthful pink color back to your labia.” To think, here we were fretting about gray hairs when we really should have been worried about the color of our labias! In any case, the stain comes in four shades, each with sassy names weirdly reminiscent of your grandmother (think: “Bettie” and “Marilyn”, which is described as “good for beginners”). The Dye System Kit includes 20 disposable applicators, a mixing dish, labia colorant dye and an instructional guide. This is good: You don’t want to mess around down there, ladies.
The whole ‘labia makeup’ thing originally struck me as unnecessary, but as someone who’s read about women putting blush on their nipples to increase pink-ness (don’t ask), I started to think that maybe My New Pink Button was on to something. After all, vajazzling took over the world. Perhaps the beauty industry’s just been spending too much time thinking above the belt. So I ventured below it to sleuth out other questionable nether-region beauty treatments. The first thing I noticed? It seems Philly is a hotspot for vaginal beauty treatments. (Who knew?)
Here, a selection of private-part pampering services in Philly, because evidently we can’t just leave our lady parts alone.
1. Vajacial. This is exactly what it sounds like: a facial for your vagina. Hmmm. You can try it out at Silk Body Waxing Studio on South 13th Street for $40. The 30-minute treatment includes cleansing, exfoliation (ouch!), a mask and moisturizer.
2. Vatooing. Again, it’s pretty self-explanatory, only much less painful that what you’re probably imagining. The tats (er, vats) are temporary, and applied with an adhesive or atomizing instrument. At Silk Body Waxing Studio, you can choose a stencil ($5 and up) or go totally custom ($40). They last for a week to 10 days.
3. Vaginal Steaming. Yep, vag TLC is now a thing. Head over to Rittenhouse’s Total Serenity Day Spa for a detoxifying vaginal steam bath. It’s intended to reduce stress, fight infections, clear hemorrhoids, regulate menstrual cycle and aid infertility, among other things. Plus, the “pores of your vulvar skin are squeaky clean and tightly closed.” Yaaaay.
4. Vaginal Rejuvenation. This one’s not for the faint of heart. For those looking to enhance “vaginal muscle tone, strength and control,” go to Renew Med Spa for vaginal rejuvenation (also called vaginoplasty) for a one- to two-hour outpatient surgical procedure designed to enhance sexual gratification.
And if you’re looking for something a little less, ahem, invasive, opt for some good old-fashioned vajazzling. Because nothing says “sexy” like the word “sexy” emblazoned in rhinestones on the outside of your vagina. Right?