Rating the Sixers Draft Prospects by Checking Their Horoscopes

Zodiac images via Shutterstock.com. D’Angelo Russell and Jahlil Okafor photos via USA Today Sports. Porzingis via Twitter.

Phillymag.com’s Derek Bodner has been doing a masterful job of unpacking the candidates to be the Sixers’ top pick in tonight’s NBA draft. But now push has come to shove, and it’s time to stop niggling over outside shooting and post defense and get down to brass tacks. We consulted the stars — the Daily News horoscope, penned by one Holiday Mathis — to learn which hoops star will be wearing that spanking new jersey this season. Barring tragic injuries, of course. Some things even the heavens can’t predict.

D’Angelo Russell, Ohio State

There’s a chance this Pisces, born February 23rd, could be gone by the time we get around to him — we only have the third pick, after Minnesota and L.A. — but here’s the sort of day Mathis says he’ll be having:

Solo efforts meet with universal resistance, but no worries — there will be someone to assist you in getting things done. You only have to reach out and ask.

Hmm. Sounds like Brett Brown might be getting a new protégé. On the other hand — “solo efforts meet with universal resistance”? That could be a veiled reference to Kobe Bryant in the twilight of his Lakers career.

Jahlil Okafor, Duke

Bodner loves this big man more than I do, and I went to Duke. (I thought he dogged it on defense in the NCAA tourney.) Born December 15th, he’s a Sagittarius and due for a suitably erudite day:

Stifling circumstances can be overcome. This is a mind-over-matter situation. Develop your imagination. A vision can be like an invisible key. The immaterial will unlock the material.

“Stifling circumstances”? That could definitely foretell a Sixers future. I have no idea what “The immaterial will unlock the material” means, but if Okafor tokes, maybe he has a clue.

Karl-Anthony Towns, Kentucky

The seven-foot-tall center for Wisconsin’s NCAA Final Four opponent is another of Bod’s faves, but the stars don’t seem to see it. He’s a Scorpio, born November 15th:

When you consider some of your past perils, you realize that things turned out much better than they might have. This trend will continue, so go ahead and take a chance.

“Things turned out much better than they might have”? That is not the future of a Sixer.

Emmanuel Mudiay, China

Currently playing for the Guangdong Southern Tigers in China, this 19-year-old Congolese-American guard skipped college to play internationally. Born March 5th, he’s a Pisces like Russell, but he can reach out and ask for help in several languages.

Kristaps Porzingis, Spain

If this seven-foot-one Latvian comes to town, typesetters will have fits trying to insert those bizarre accent marks into his last name. He’s a Leo, born August 2nd:

The new game is not about getting ahead and staying ahead — that was the old game. The new game is finding intrigue, joy and satisfaction in the process.

Well, there you have it, folks. The new game ain’t winning; it’s finding joy in the process. Clearly, the heavens decree that Porziņģis is destined for Sixer-dom. Welcome to Philly, Kris!

Just for the hell of it, we decided to check on what sort of day Sixers G.M. Sam Hinkie will be having. But when we looked on Wikipedia, we were shocked to discover he’s the man without a birthday. The closest we could nail it down is “December 1977,” which could mean he’s a Sagittarius, like Okafor (“A vision can be like an invisible key”). More likely, though, he’s a Capricorn. Here’s what those stars say for today:

Explore your own code. Study your response to life. You’re not a robot, but you can program yourself to some degree once you understand your operating system.

Once you understand it, Sam, maybe you can explain it to us, too.

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