Philadelphia Police Looking for Alleged “Swiss Cheese Pervert” [UPDATED]

Unexpected headline of the week.

swiss-cheese-pervert-philadelphia-police

UPDATE: Swiss Cheese Pervert suspect Chris Pagano has been arrested. For the complete story, go here.

ORIGINAL:


Have you seen this man? Fat white dude. In a car. With his pants down. Doing things with Swiss cheese...

The allegations from the Mayfair Town Watch's Facebook page, where this photo was posted publicly on Thursday:

Good Morning Mayfair! Please be aware of the Swiss Cheese Pervert! This individual is driving around surrounding communities and exposes himself to women. He offers them money to watch him put swiss cheese on his privates. He is a white, heavy set male, 40-50 years old. He drives a newer model silver sedan. He was also spotted in a black newer model sedan. If you see this guy, don't confront him. Get his plate number and call 911 immediately!!! We have passed all the information to the 15th PD.

In case you missed any of that, this man is being accused of not only showing women his junk but also bringing some Swiss cheese along for the ride. Naturally, someone on Facebook suggested that a good stripper name for the Swiss Cheese Pervert would be Alpine Lace.

And... someone has set up a Swiss Cheese Pervert account on Twitter:

But seriously, if you know this guy, call the police before he breaks out the olive loaf. Please.

A police source confirms that an investigation is underway into the so-called Swiss Cheese Pervert. God help us all.

UPDATED 1/11 10 a.m.: We've been hearing reports that the Swiss Cheese Pervert has been around for some time on dating sites like OkCupid. The Daily News spoke with a Bridesburg resident and OkCupid user named, um, Gabby Chest, who told the paper that the Swiss Cheese Pervert said he was "looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese..."

The Daily News also published the following excerpt from a message allegedly sent by the Swiss Cheese Pervert to Chest:

I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.

Police continue to investigate, and a Special Victims Unit source told the paper that the man in question appeared to have a "major sexual cheese fetish."

Oh, and the cover of the Daily News on Saturday?

Holy Cheeses!: Mayfair is wacktose intolerant with "Swiss Cheese Pervert" on the loose.

Brilliant!

Follow @VictorFiorillo on Twitter.

  • Colie

    You can find him on Kensington Ave. Lol

  • TypclWtPrsn

    When I saw the star, I thought it was a Dallas Cowboys fan.

  • Don Juan

    I wish I was that piece of swiss cheese, I’d let him put his fat man meat in me

  • Ricotta Cheese Pervert

    He is doing it all wrong. That cheese is no good.

  • MiraEstupida

    if hes offering a good lumpsome of money enough to pay my rent. hell fuckin yea ill watch this fat dirty bastard but diary all over him.

    • ihatepeopleinnewjersey

      Yeah, diary always turns me on when I read people’s private thoughts.

  • Guest

    Holy Sh*t! I totally saw this guy in the Giant parking lot in Wynnewood about 2 months ago. He was in a black Sedan. I was going to call the police, but didn’t. I was parked right next to him and just shook my head and left.

    • Tibby McBride

      You should go file a police report! They have to know where he has been!

  • shanon

    I posted this pic on Facebook hes done this to 4 of my friend he drive around on Frankfort ave at 2am when the bars close and follows u in his car its really not a joke guys like this elevate to doing other thing like rapes or muder when they cant be satisfied anymore

    • Joshua Merriman

      Before you know it, he’ll be STEALING the cheese before it has time to consent!

  • The Tommy Tickler

    This dude was on CL like 2 years ago asking girls to jerk him off

  • ML

    This guy has been doing this for awhile. He pulled up next to me on 95 at least a year ago – I only saw the cheese, not the rest of the package.

  • Heinz

    I thought they were talking about John Kerry.

  • girl he messaged

    This guy has been messaging women on OkCupid for at least 6 years, and not just in the Philly area. A friend in Chicago got a message from him, as well as her friend who was at the time studying in Indiana.

    • Cerise

      He was also very active on Myspace around 2005-2008.

    • serena blackcat

      Yeah I was messages by him. The only pics were of his wang wrapped in cheese. He said he likes Swiss bc it is representational of what people think of when they picture cheese…and since in one of these articles someone posted a msg with the same phrase that’s definitely him

  • Sheryl

    He just followed my daughter late at night on Henry Avenue in Roxborough. Light-colored car. Much creepier and more dangerous than this article makes him sound.

    • mab

      Report this to the police.

  • LanceSmith

    Ok…interesting. Don’t see how this is anything to call the cavalry. Has he actually done anything violent? Has he forced anyone to watch?

    People are so amazingly uptight about sex.

    (and don’t bother talking about what he COULD do … anyone could do anything … what has he actually done?)

    • D

      He can screw cheese all he wants in the privacy of his own home. Start doing that crap in public and possibly near my kids…I draw the line.

    • Cerise

      Exposing yourself in public is a crime so, uh, yeah, police intervention is kinda necessary.

    • serena blackcat

      If he was just on fetlife he would be doing nothing wrong. Exposing oneself and propositioning strangers in public is non cnsensual and threatening. It’s like saying someone carrying a gun around threatening to shoot people is only being arrested for what they could be doing. Plus he is clearly mentally unstable and people like this want to distress and scare others by exposing themselves.

  • Jamal O. Johnson

    They should start looking for this guy in
    jersey, because REAL philly cheese perverts know you expose yourself to
    women “wiz wit”

  • Gaby

    He lives in Norristown… He emailed me a year and a half ago…. He puts profiles up and deletes them on a regular basis… One profile explained how he does it ::gag::

  • Mongo301

    My guess is his name is Reuben…

  • Carl

    It’s ironic that his Facebook name “blackstar” was the same symbol used to cover his penis in the pictures.

  • http://wearetvpeople.tumblr.com/ BOOGER

    This is not Gouda.

  • gwinky
  • nicole

    Joe D?

  • ihatepeopleinnewjersey

    We wouldn’t feel so violated if this guy looked like Bradley Cooper.

  • woodstock

    john mcveigh. is his name

  • woodstock

    terd burglar

  • Tracey E Crow

    I’m freakin’ dying of laughter over here….

  • rose

    this man approached me on okcupid a while ago! omg!

  • Ben Babo

    I dub thee “Philadelphia cheese dick bandit”

  • Tibby McBride

    That was rude.