From Julio to Jay-Z … The talent playing Atlantic City this weekend is truly an absurd mix that spans half a century, crossing many demographics. First you’ve got Julio Iglesias Friday and Saturday at Caesars. I’ve gotta be honest, I have no idea what Julio sings or what the draw is, but he’s said to have played more than 5,000 shows throughout his career, so there must be somebody out there who is his Biggest Fan. Then you’ve got Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige at Boardwalk Hall on Saturday. Unlike the dynamic duo’s recent Philly performance, lots of tickets remain. In a bizarre blast from the past, ex-clothes-shedding Debbie Gibson — oh, sorry, Deborah Gibson (remember her Playboy spread?) — begins a three-week run at Harrah’s on Sunday. And the incomparable-on-so-many-levels Dolly Parton plays her rescheduled (due to, er, back pain) Borgata gig Saturday night. Simultaneously in the Borgata, there’s Tracy Morgan. Even if he just puts 30 Rock re-runs on the projector, its bound to be funny.

And they’re off … Saturday is the 134th Kentucky Derby. Start the day off right at McGillin’s Olde Ale House with $3 mint juleps. If the kids are tagging along, precluding the consumption of copious amounts of bourbon, head to Franklin Square, where Philly’s own equestrian heroes Smarty Jones and Afleet Alex have been immortalized as carousel horses (for $60,000!!!). From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., every kid that rides will receive a first-place ribbon. Finally, everyone actually wins.

At last, a reason to hang out under I-95 … I love Zoe Strauss. Her photography is real Philadelphia: mean, gritty and honest. So there’s no better place for a Zoe Strauss exhibit than in South Philly, under I-95. Front and Mifflin from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. on Sunday. Her work is so real, it’s realer than real. It’s unreal. Just, um, check it out.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you … A lot of people are confused. This Sunday is not Mother’s Day. Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. Which gives you a whole extra week to completely forget. This year, skip the Godiva and opt for John & Kira’s locally made chocolates. You have to order by May 6th for delivery, and you don’t want to send them belated, right?

The truly hot ticket for this evening is Philly’s own Man Man at the Starlight in support of their brand-new release, Rabbit Habits. But you’re not getting into that ridiculously sold-out show unless you tunnel in. So if you just have to do something tonight other than watch the new episode of Hell’s Kitchen (I so prefer Kitchen Nightmares, but that’s me), here are a few events to consider …

The Wine School of Philadelphia’s “State Store Wine Buying” class. After all, how many times have you been like the woman in this photo, completely lost in our state-controlled liquor stores? This seems like a perfectly sensible thing to do. $37.99, 7:30 p.m.

And considerably less sensible, two Philadelphia Film Fest screenings … Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story, a documentary about the zany B-movie director who came up with the idea to insert buzzers (spine tinglers) in cinema seats to give moviegoers a jolt (9:30 p.m. at International House, $10) … or the North American premiere of Sperm, a Thai horror film which, according to the Film Festival’s guide, features “big-titted aliens conducting strange experiments on the babies.” The director’s last film? SARS Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis. Maybe you should stick with the wine class. (9:30 p.m. at the Bridge, $10).

Last night, Johnny Doc made a campaign stop at Bob & Barbara’s, one of our favorite dive bars, where members of his squad tried to convince the bar half full of drunkards to wear Doc stickers. One lovely young woman, who politely declined, was asked in response: “What are you, an alien?” A few moments later, a white guy who had come from the Phillies game made a comment about the owner of Bob & Barbara’s being a “cracker,” to which the black gentleman to his side took offense and threatened to throw him out on the street. Then, a 6′8″ plumber threatened to lock out the bartender, who had stepped outside for a moment, at the same time that the plumber wanted a drink. Always a good time at Bob & Barbara’s. Even more so tonight when they break out the ping pong tables, which they do every Tuesday starting at 4 p.m. It’s free to play and so cheap to drink (yes, the “special” — a can of Pabst and a shot of Beam — is still just $3). 1509 South Street, 215-545-4511.

When in doubt, a hefty dose of Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro (and Tobey Maguire, and Ellen Barkin, and Christina Ricci, and Cameron Diaz, and Gary Busey — well, okay, maybe not Gary Busey) in Terry Gilliam’s appropriately bizarre Hunter S. Thompson biopic Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas never fails. 8 p.m.-ish at the Troc; $3.

Going to theater — especially shows by tiny independent local theater companies — can be scary stuff. So I think it’s entirely appropriate that Madhouse Theater is staging their version of Eric Bogosian’s (pictured, from his fairly respectable gig on Law & Order: Criminal Intent) Pounding Nails in the Floor With My Forehead upstairs at Fergie’s, where you can drink to excess if it proves necessary. Tonight is the opening. 8 p.m.

IF YOU WANT TO GET DRUNK AROUND THE IRISH …
The DJ starts at 2 p.m — yes, 2 p.m. — at McGillin’s Olde Ale House, Philadelphia’s oldest continuously operating tavern. You should be prepared for large singing crowds of the Shamrocked guzzling gallons of green beer. There’s a $2 cover, which just seems silly.

IF YOU WANT TO GET DRUNK BUT WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE IRISH …
Daily News gossip-boy Dan Gross charms the barflies at the Khyber with his Seinfeld Quizzo. And if the Uncle Leo trivia gets a little stale, there’s karaoke upstairs.

Though Philly might lay claim to some of the cheapest and most spectacular divey drink deals in the country, like Bob and Barbara’s $3 Pabst with a shot of Jim Beam special, tonight at Monk’s Philly Beer Week dinner, it’s all about brews like Cantillion St. Lamvinous and the rare Samuel Adams Utopias. $95 gets you a swig and, presumably, some food, though it’s all about the beer here. 7 p.m.

You know it’s Monday when there’s karaoke and Quizzo on the same night, at the same place. Such is the case at the Khyber tonight. Downstairs, it’s Philadelphia Brewing Company’s Beer Quizzo, in honor of Philly Beer Week. Upstairs, it’s DJ Sara Sherr’s Sing for Your Life party, which is always a hoot-and-a-half. Enjoy.

Ah, 1985: the year that brought us Ronald Reagan’s second term in the Oval Office, the first FDA-approved blood test for AIDS, USA for Africa’s “We Are The World” — and The Breakfast Club. The Troc screens it tonight at Movie Monday. It rolls at 8 p.m., but you need to get there early (doors open at 6:30) to score a decent seat. Your $3 admission gets you a $3 voucher for food or drink. I’m sure there’s a good reason why they don’t just make the thing free, but it eludes me. Meanwhile, the Wilma offers Dr. Strangelove.

And in case you missed the throngs of buzzed masses this weekend, it’s officially Philly Beer Week. Tonight’s featured events: Alison at Blue Bell’s dinner featuring Yards Brewery; Flying Dog Brewing Co.’s tribute to Hunter S. Thompson at Pub On Passyunk East (a.k.a. The POPE), complete with readings, movies, and lots of drinking; and London Grill’s meatball-and-beer party with Brooklyn Brewery.

Apologies for the uncharacteristically succinct Weekender, but my third home in Chesapeake calls. Here are some things worth doing.

R&B
Hometown heroine Jill Scott saunters up North Broad to tell us a thing or two at the Liacouras Center. With Musiq Soulchild. Friday; 8 p.m. $46 to $66.

BOOZE
Philly Beer Week swerves into town, offering no shortage of events all over the city for lovers of the suds. Times and prices vary.

DANCE
Koresh Dance Company moves into their new home on Broad at the Suzanne Roberts Theatre with two world premieres Friday through Sunday; times vary. $25 to $30. If you need something a bit less sexy, try the Pennsylvania Ballet’s Messiah — yes, as in the “Hallelujah Chorus” — at the Academy. Friday through Sunday; times vary. $22 to $124.

ROCK
So you think that instrumental music tends to lack energy? Veteran West Philly freakout-ers Stinking Lizaveta will convince you otherwise at Johnny Brenda’s. Don’t worry, they sell earplugs at the bar. Friday; 10 p.m. $8.

COMEDY
Helium Comedy Club brings in Robert Kelly — you’ll recognize him from HBO’s Tourgasm and his occasional Law & Order appearances — for a few laughs. Friday and Saturday; times vary. $20 to $24. And for the set not quite ready for dirty jokes, they’ve got local tot comedian The Great Holtzie, who describes himself as the “Anti Mr. Rogers.” Saturday; 3 p.m. $10.

ART
Is the whole First Friday strolling around thing too tiring or heady for you? The WMGK Classic Rock Art Show — featuring posters, photos and album art from your favorite bands — won’t tax your brain or body much at all. Promise. At the Shops at Liberty Place through March 22nd.