COMBUSTIBLES … Last year, my son was around a year-and-a-half old for the Fourth of July, and I can’t tell you how many annoying family members kept telling me not to let the poor kid near sparklers. SPARKLERS, I tell you. Apparently, there was some horrific report on the freakin’ Today show. Needless to say, he got his sparklers. This year, I think we’re progressing to Roman candles. But if you would prefer, smartly, to leave it to the pros, there is no shortage. On Friday, look for the sky to light up above the Art Museum, after Philly boy John Legend does his “Neo-soul” thing, whatever that means. And on Saturday, we’ve got Boyz II Men on the Waterfront, followed by big booming fireworks over the Delaware. I’ve been hearing some complaints that the organizers this year have gone too “urban” with the music (and by that, they mean “too black”). What I would say is that, first of all, there’s nothing urban about John Legend or Boyz II Men. And on top of that, what do these complainers want? More Hall & Oates like last year? Puleeze! For a complete schedule of the Welcome America activities, go here.

COMESTIBLES … In case you haven’t heard, it’s going to be hot and swampy all weekend. So you can act like you’re being all charitable and whatnot and go to Penn’s Landing and cool down at the Super Scooper Ice Cream Festival, benefiting pediatric leukemia research. It’s only $5, and you can eat as much ice cream as you damn well please. Next year, they’ll obviously be asking you to attend the obesity research benefit.

BATTLES ROYALE … Yo, Mets! You thought that Philly fans were tough before? Wait till you see us on a three day weekend, fueled by lots of beer and barbecue, not to mention the increased hometown pride due to the fact that this national holiday only exists because of us. What ever happened in New York? Nuthin’. This weekend, as you dare to come to Philly for a three-game series against our FIRST-PLACE TEAM, we will make you wish you never got on the Turnpike. Oh, and if a stray bottle rocket happens to impale your pitcher in the eye, I apologize in advance. That’s just how we do here in Philadelphia.

THE CONCERT YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY GO TO … Those people who are complaining about our Welcome America music being too black probably wouldn’t enjoy themselves very much on Saturday night at World Cafe Live, as Seun Kuti, otherwise known as the son of the late Nigerian revolutionary, Fela Kuti, leads his pop’s old band, Egypt 80, for a funky night of Afrobeat. For a taste of the Kuti-family sound, which is very reminiscent of that old-school James Brown funk, check out this performance from Senegal.

AND THEN THERE’S … Comedienne Chelsea Handler at the Borgata. The Color Purple (discounted tickets available for Sunday night at 6:30 p.m.!) at the Academy. The Salsa Congress (as in the dance, not Ortega’s) at the Convention Center all weekend. And for all you science fiction supergeeks out there, the original Star Trek movie at the Colonial on Sunday.

One of my favorite groups in the city, the Mural Arts Program, is throwing their big fundraising gala, The Wall Ball, tonight at the Loews Hotel. Your $150-$500 ticket gets you lots of food and booze, dancing to the Latin sounds of Trio Crisol, cool mural-making activities (the panel you paint on will actually be hung as part of a real mural), and a short film narrated by The Wire’s Isiah Whitlock, who will be on hand to introduce it. Oh, and of course, that great feeling you get when you see those spectacular murals around the city and know that you made it all possible. Or, at least a very little bit of it.

Philadelphia’s Mural Arts Program, a model for similar initiatives in other cities, is responsible for the 2,700 or so murals sprinkled throughout the city, not to mention all the abandoned lots they have beautified and all the young lives they have saved or at least enriched through their arts education programs.

Of course, all this mural painting ain’t cheap, so tonight at Johnny Brenda’s in Fishtown, the Young Advocates of Mural Arts present Your Music, Your Murals, Your Philadelphia, a benefit featuring a bunch of local bands (including The Old Souls, fronted by mural artist Brad Carney), good beer (not included in the $15 ticket, of course), and that good feeling you’ll get by actually doing something, well, good.

Tonight, Di Bruno Bros. in Rittenhouse Square hosts the 4th Annual Bald Ball, where they’ve come up with some brilliant plan to raise loads of loot for cancer research by shaving people’s heads. Expert cutter Joe McMenamin from Groom Salon will be on hand to shave you nice and pretty, like my editor here.

And if you’re not into losing your hair, you can still hobnob with all the Rittenhouse dandies amidst lots of wine and cheese. 6:30 p.m. $45.

In from Nashville, Johnny Cash and June Carter will play a benefit concert in Philadelphia this week. Well, kinda. When local Johnny Cash tribute artist David Stone (pictured) performs on Friday, you probably won’t know the difference. On the phone last night, in his smoky, calculated drawl, Stone explained the difference between a tribute band and an impersonator, and probably wanted to break my legs when I brought up Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.

What’s up on Friday?
It’ll be me and June Carter playing. We’re going to be doing all the duets between 1965 and 1975. You can count on “Jackson,” and “It Ain’t Me Babe.” Soroptimist International of Indian Rock is a club that helps young women get back on their feet and provides scholarships for their education. They approached us and we felt it was a good cause.

You call yourself a “representation” of Johnny Cash. What does that mean?
We provide an authentic note-for-note reproduction, complete with costume changes and authentic instruments. We keep it in character and do it with dignity. For those who haven’t seen him, we’re the next closest thing.

You’re not an impersonator?
If you look at Elvis impersonators, they give great indignity to the person their impersonating. The moves that they do are grossly exaggerated and overused. We stand for who these people were as people and what they stood for: a way of life, of hard times and hope. You’ll never see us marrying people at the Johnny Cash Chapel in Vegas.

So, no worries about a the stigma that comes with being an impersonator?
I defy anyone to look at our show and call me an impersonator. That type of person wouldn’t come to see us anyway. Screw ‘em.

How accurate is the stage show?
If something didn’t sound right, we’ll go back to the record and listen to it again. Sometimes, that even means practicing the mistakes. We found out that Johnny Cash didn’t put his guitar over his back as much as we thought he did. And there’s one suit that we got rid of because it wasn’t the right shade of black.

What did you think of Walk the Line?
I think Joaquin Phoenix did a good job at representing a very complicated character. But I don’t think he sounds much like Johnny Cash. They did a passable job on the music.

And what about Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story?
I’ve seen the trailer and I think it was … I’m not going to say. I don’t know … I’m just not going to say.

Why did you become Johnny Cash?
The rule in our family growing up was that you had to take a year of piano lessons. A minister came and played a guitar, and I asked my parents, “If the minister can play guitar, why can’t I?” The Johnny Cash Show was on television at that time and I was taken with him. Here was this great, big, tall badass. He flashed that big spiritual smile and said “I’m Johnny Cash.”

Have you ever had an audience like the one Cash played to at Folsom or San Quentin Prison?
We’re actually in talks with San Quentin to play the 40th anniversary show for the prisoners there in February 2009. I just talked to the assistant warden this morning. There’s a lot of I’s to dot and T’s to cross.

David Stone: The Johnny Cash Experience, March 28th at Spring Mill Manor, 171 Jacksonville Road, Ivyland. $45; for tickets, call 215-357-8670. Benefits the Soroptimist International of Indian Rock.

Ah, Easter, you devil of a holiday. I love my family, but why so much woe? Here are some suggestions for the weekend that don’t include spiral-cut ham or pineapple soufflé.

FRIDAY
I was thinking about checking out Jesus Christ Superstar at the Keswick. After all, it’s considered by most to be the only religious rock opera in existence, unless you, like me, consider the Who’s Tommy a religion. But the whole damn run is sold out (save for a few scattered seats on Saturday night). Sheesh. Go Keswick! But no worries, friends: Veteran Russian art rockers Auktyon are live and direct at World Cafe Live tonight. If you think our rockers are rebels, try growing up in the U.S.S.R. And since we’re going super artsy/avant garde, this is opening weekend for Gus Van Sant’s Paranoid Park. Read about it, and the weekend’s other new movies, in today’s Flick Filter.

SATURDAY
This Saturday’s got plenty to do, but also a lot to prove. Philadelphia Theatre Company is all grown up and living in that swanky new Suzanne Roberts Theatre, so they’d better wear the pants for the opening weekend of their newest show. It shouldn’t be hard: The late Wendy Wasserstein’s last play, Third, is said to be her best — if PTC can’t pull it off, they’ll have some ’splaining to do about those expensive digs they’ve been in. Over at the Bellevue, there’s the big Winter’s A Drag party (benefiting City of Hope), where we expect the Who’s Who of the gay scene to show their boa’d selves off. Drag isn’t mandatory, but you’ll get a discount on the $80 admission if you comply (and you may just discover a whole new you). Guys, if you’re not feeling sexy enough in that little black dress, check out our handy little guide to how do drag right. Just know that the Annie approach is out; every red wig in town is rented out for the return of that adorable orphan at the Academy of Music (and if you missed our very uncomfortable Q&A with the lass who plays Annie, read it here). And if all of that sounds just way too complicated and ridiculous, reggae legend Gregory Isaacs spliffs it up the Troc.

SUNDAY
There are two roads to travel. Both involve more dress-up, a fact guaranteed to cause flashbacks to Easter weekends past. The Easter Sunday Promenade is the only time you’ll see people actually looking nice on South Street. Come on now, show off that cute Easter dress you’ve been saving — and after Saturday night, that goes for girls and guys. (And in case you’re at all confused, this is a kid-friendly event.) There are awards to go around, and you’ll be able to impress someone by telling them you’ve been to a real, actual, Henri David (pictured) party, since he emcees the event. (Congrats, you can almost call yourself a Philadelphian now.) But my advice? Take the road less traveled: It has friggin’ zombies on it, which is always a good thing. Sunday evening is the third annual Philly Zombie Crawl, the bar hop for the undead. (If you can’t possibly understand what a Zombie Crawl could be, just stay home, for your own good.) After everything that has the potential to go on this weekend, you’ll have plenty of good stories to tell on Monday, none of which involve pineapple soufflé.

Who says dress-up is only for little girls? This Saturday, the big boys throw their (flashy and fabulous) hats into the ring at Winter’s a Drag, a drag-themed party at the Bellevue benefiting City of Hope. (Don’t worry, drag is not mandatory.) For men who consider eyelash curlers a handheld torture device, Philly’s Salotta Tee — who’s DJ-ing the soiree and whom you might recognize from her very brief appearance during the local American Idol auditions — offers some advice on how to go glam.

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THE BENEFITS OF THE THEATER
Ah, Monday. For us, it’s back to work. But for the theater world, it’s a day off, which is why not one but two local troupes are holding their annual benefits this evening, and the events couldn’t be more different. InterAct, celebrating its 20-year anniversary, is going the gala route at the Annenberg, with a dessert and wine reception, a jazz quartet, an hour-and-a-half long (ugh) retrospective of the group, and a $60 price tag (well, $25 if you’re a card-carrying starving artist). Meanwhile, and ever so slightly on the more fun and $20 ($15 student) end of the spectrum, is 11th Hour’s PBR-crowd-worthy Philly Rocks party at the Prince, with Quizzo followed by a concert where local actors (from 11th Hour and elsewhere) transform into shriek-yielding hair rockers.

CLASSICAL MUSIC
See the future of classical music tonight at the Kimmel as the Curtis Symphony Orchestra, with guest conductor and New York Philharmonic/Royal Stockholm Philharmonic/Hamburg Symphony’s Alan Gilbert (pictured, and who seems to be spending a lot of time in Philly these days), as they tackle Beethoven, Barber, and Nielsen. Tickets $5 to $36.

VEG
The wind chill is lower than Hurricane’s virility now that Bolaris is back in town. Speaking of low virility, there’s always your couch, hot toddies, and the live Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show on USA.

Should you wish to postpone your trek through the Wissahickon, here are some alternate ideas …

Because she has such great genes … So her birth name is Lisa, but her stage name is simply Simone, a nod (and marketing gimmick, of course) to her mother, the late, great singer/pianist/civil rights activist Nina Simone. (Whose own name, it must be said, was not Nina Simone but Eunice Kathleen Waymon.) But the living Simone is no Frank Sinatra Jr. She’s got talent and individuality, not to mention killer looks (at 45!) and a successful Broadway career, having starred in Jesus Christ Superstar,, Rent, and Aida. Still, she doesn’t exactly shy away from the comparisons or connection to Nina — a cover album of her mother’s songs is due in April. She brings her lovely self and her mini-orchestra to World Cafe Live on Saturday.

Because it’s not just the day you get paid … This being the first Friday of the month, all the galleries are doing their regular thing. But it’s way too miserable out to contemplate a casual stroll, even if there is wine and cheese along the way. If you have the stamina for only one event, make it the Corsets for a Cure auction/gala featuring those oh-so-snug fitting under- (or over-) garments, designed by local corsetier Delicious Corsets and hand-painted by some of the area’s most talented artists to benefit the Linda Creed Breast Cancer Foundation.

Because the parking garages around the Convention Center clearly need your money … In case you somehow missed hearing about it, the Auto Show opens to the public tomorrow — and you know you want to check out that SmartCar, even if it is the death trap that a lot of people are saying it is. (For the record, my friends in Spain love theirs, and whenever anyone says anything about the safety issue, they go off on this whole Bush-oil-SUV-conspiracy thing.) This evening is the $200-per-person preview affair, with lots of swilling and Stephen Starr grub. I’ve got $500 for anyone who gets ejected tonight for indiscretions in the back seat of the Rolls Royce Phantom.

Because you only watch it for the commercials, and last year they pretty much sucked … I’m going to go way out on a stereotyping limb here, but if you’re the type of person who has absolutely zero interest in watching the commentators slobber all over themselves, I’m guessing that you’re probably also the type of person who enjoys a quiet night at the theater. Some suggestions for Sunday night: the closing night of Vivien (the story of Gone With the Wind star Vivien Leigh) at the Walnut Street’s Independence Studio; Avenue Q (profane puppetry) at the Forrest; Arthur Miller’s The Price on the Walnut’s main stage; and Wittenberg at the Arden (somehow they made Martin Luther and 1500s Germany funny).

THEATER
A big bravo to the brand-new Mauckingbird Theatre Company for selling out the remainder of its very first show, The Misanthrope, an all-male gay retelling of Molière’s comedic masterpiece at the Adrienne. This being a Thursday and all, tonight is your best chance to get in, so show up early (no later than 6:30) and put yourself on the waiting list. (If you don’t get in, you could catch the 7:30 showing of George Clooney’s new pic, Michael Clayton, a few doors down at the Roxy.)

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