Philly and the Single Lesbian

Ex, go gently into the night. By Crystal Fox

This has, without a doubt, been one of the hardest breakups I have ever gone through. Not that I am this master dater by any means – with my three girlfriend record – but this one is testing my ability to be civil, testing my character, and testing my ability to be calm and collected.

The thing that I realized most with the breakup “process” is that it is selfish to the core. The “breaker-uper” (if you will) always has a variety of reasons that they do what they do. In my situation, my girlfriend needed “space” to come out of her depression. She needed to not be burdened with our relationship and the perpetual lying that had to take place (in regards to her closet) for it to survive. She realized that we were less than lovers and more friends. She realized all these things without dialogue, and without me. Selfish.

One month later…

My ex returns declaring this undying love for me. She tells me that she never realized what she had until it was gone. She tells me that her love never diminished when we were apart – it only grew stronger. She realized she wanted me back. Again, selfish. All of her dialogue surrounding “our relationship” focuses on her and what she is feeling, what she is going through, and what she will do to make things “right” again – with total disregard for what I actually want.

If she actually took time to listen when we talked (and I’m using the term “talk” loosely…it’s more of a crying/yelling combination) she would see that I am finished. My fairy tale didn’t come true. To quote Corey Feldman from Goonies: “Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here…this was my dream, my wish. And it didn’t come true. So I’m taking it back. I’m taking them all back!” And I’m moving on.

And I tell her we aren’t to speak anymore. And I bury our relationship beneath the floorboards of my brain, looking to move on.

But like the Poe classic The Tell-Tale Heart, each call, text, email, Facebook notification is the ever-present beating, beating, beating of a part of my past that will not just go gently into the night.

Do I deserve this? Don’t I deserve to be happy? Don’t I deserve a clean break?

In some random twist of Alanis Morissette “irony” – where things aren’t really ironic, just shitty luck – I have come to realize that grass can be a lighter shade of green. Talking to women that lead authentic, open lives are highly attractive to me as potentials – and, although the box I lived in with my ex was warm and comfy, it wasn’t perfect.

I have, in some parallel universe, become the breaker-upper and not the breakee. She tells me I’ll regret this, but I think she’s the one living with regret.

Crystal Fox is a chef and blogger in Philadelphia who’s dating again. Will she find love? Stay tuned!