Last night Philly’s funny man and impressionist extraordinaire Joe Conklin and WIP on-air sports savant and Wing Bowl creator Al Morganti presented the “The First Annual Philly Sports Roast” at the Crystal Tea Room. More than 600 people filled the room to see former Eagle and NFL bad boy Terrell Owens roasted by media personalities, politicians, former and current Eagle players, and Damon Feldman.
In a no-holds-barred night, everything was on the table: marriages, baby mamas (four), salaries, tights, his big ego and even, shockingly, suicide attempts. Proceeds from the evening went to firefighters support organization All Hands Working.
A couple of the zingers at the event: “Former Eagles defensive tackle Hollis Thomas is here tonight. Look at that guy. Hollis, are you OK? You’re sweating profusely. I haven’t seen someone sweat this much since Freddie Mitchell’s tax audit.” And: “Joe Conklin, Man of 1,000 voices, and he can’t get laid in any of them.”
First Annual Philly Sports Roast Featuring Terrell Owens
Joe Conklin with Terrell Owens on his throne. According to Conklin, "T.O. makes bad business decisions. He pays $50,000 in child support a month for four kids, by four different women, and only saved $7 in condom purchases."
Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman (center) on the red carpet with his huge bodyguard and limo driver. When Feldman approached the podium to roast T.O., both former Governor Ed Rendell and Stu Bykofsky covered their heads with their hands, apparently wishing they were somewhere else.
From left: Cindy Webster, marketing director for Marketing Director for 98.1 WOGL, SportsRadio 94/610 WIP, Talk Radio 1210 WPHT, and Natalie Egenolf of WIP.
From left: John Clark of Comcast SportsNet photo bombing Howard Eskin of Fox 29 and Eagles long snapper Jon Dorenbos.
Gervase Peterson of CBS’ Survivor: Blood vs. Water.
From left: Matt Martin, Joe Gaglioti, and Kellie Gaglioti of Joseph Anthony Retreat Spa and Salon, Rob Amand and Lisa Moreno-Dickinson.
From left: Casey Conklin and Kelli Joyce.
From left: Luis Liceaga, president, Impact Dimensions LLC, Rhea Hughes, Sportsradio 94 WIP morning whow and host of lunch break on CSNPhilly.com and Ray Pennacchia, senior vice president at NovaCare Rehabilitation.
From left: Julie Dorenbos and Susie Celek were emcees for the evening and had some of the best lines. Julie greeted the guests and said “Tonight’s about T.O.’s unfinished business,” and without missing a beat, Susie said, “We all have unfinished business. Clearly Julie’s unfinished getting dressed. Her breasts are like her grades in college: D’s.”
When the guest panel wasn’t crushing on T.O., they were sending up a life-sized cut-out of Donovan McNabb, which occasionally spit out confetti.
Jon Dorenbos and Susie Celek. A roaster said about Jon: “Some people think Jon is just a beard for Julie Dorenbos, as she’s really married to Susie Celek.”
From left: Damon Feldman and WMMR on air personality and 76ers PA announcer Matt Cord.
The sold out crowd at the Crystal Tea Room for the Philadelphia Sports Roast. One of my favorite lines of the night: “Joe Conklin’s act is so old, Ruben Amaro just signed it.”
Former Governor Ed Rendell looked up and down at the panel, stopping at Damon Feldman and Stu Bykofsky, then said, “I never thought my stellar career would end like this, at an event that makes the Wing Bowl look classy.”
D.A. Seth Williams took part in the night’s event. At one point Damon Feldman approached Williams as he was delivering his spiel and attempted to grab the mike. I thought to myself, “Is this a Kanye West moment: ‘D.A., you’re great and imma let you finish but Lynne Abraham was one of the best D.A.s of all time?”. Feldman told me he was just going to tell Williams how much he admired him, and that he should run for governor. (I guess Damon thought that was a good time to tell him: Seize the moment, Damon.)
Hollis Thomas told stories about T.O.’s workouts and leotards. He’d often say to T.O. “WTF” to what he was wearing, doing, saying.
Jon Runyan tells T.O. he picked the wrong job after his football career, because T.O.’s reality show averaged 1.4 million viewers. He then told Jon Dorenbos that his greatest career move was marrying Julie Dorenbos.
Roasters (not all of whom are pictured) included: Jon Runyan, Hollis Thomas, Ike Reese, Rob Ellis, Julie Dorenbos, Susie Celek, Matt Cord, Al Morganti, Stu Bykofsky, Joe Conklin, Jon Dorenbos, a cardboard cut-out of Donovan McNabb, Santa Claus and the winner of a CrossingBroad.com contest, Kevin Matuszak.
Terrell Owens and Ike Reese. As T.O. approached the podium to make remarks, the crowd was on their feet as T.O., singing the T.O. song, then went right into the Eagles fight song. It was a fun evening, and I look forward to next year’s Philly Sports Roast.
HughE Dillon covers parties, events and more for Philadelphia magazine’s The Scene. You can follow him on Twitter at @iPhillyChitChat and visit his daily online social diary PhillyChitChat.com.