There are shower caps.
Let’s press pause on our Philly shopping coverage for a moment and bask in the fabulousness that is week two of the Real Housewives of New York. To sum it all up: Carole does not think imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but she does like very tall gladiator heels; Legz has never met a button-up she didn’t like; Heather is still trying to recapture her glory days of working at Bad Boy via very large hoop earrings; Sonja wears a bathing suit; Kristen wears her birthday suit; and Ramona wears a cute dress that is shockingly not ruched or satin. Let the fashion recapping begin!
We start with Carole again, for the second week in a row. I think the producers like her this year. She is giving us Casual Carole today, and her hair looks great. Ombre!
Cool Carole is having lunch with Legz. Legz looks fine, I guess. Another day, another button-up. If last week was the week of the one-shoulder, then this week is the week of the button-up. I am making that this week’s drinking game.
Single White Female
Legz bought nerd glasses just like Carole's. Weird. But who doesn’t want to copy Carole? I do, for one...
Oh! But Carole does not think that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Scratch that. I will not copy Carole. Also do not ask her if she hired a ghostwriter for her first book. Noted.
Ramona and Her Dumb Jewelry
Hi, Ramona. I want to like you—you are very entertaining—but your jewelry makes me mad. Ramona could put on anything, really, and make it look cheesy. It’s like an art form.
Beige Legz meets with Ramona in a wine store. Legz's closet makes me fall asleep. And what is that poking out from the sweater neck? Is that a ... purple button-up? Who wears a purple button-up? Who owns this? Where is Carole?
Don’t look so excited Legz. You look like a 1970s porn star. Button-up count: 2. Drink.
Welcome to the first "workout scene" of the season. Kristen is that really annoying person who stands next to you in exercise class and you find yourself staring at her creepily during the workout because she is so tall and model-y. Her legs are as long as my entire body. Carole is not in workout gear because Carole is too cool to sweat. Heather is wearing very short shorts, but I like her pink sneakers. I have a bad feeling that she is wearing hoop earrings, though. Okay, phew. She’s not. But those booty shorts need to go.
Kristen is wearing that lightning bolt necklace again. What is that? I think I need it.
Now we’re at home with Kristen and her stupidly named children, Kingsley and Cash. (Ugh and ugh.) Lucky for you, Kingsley, you have just enough hair to justify wearing that barrette. The only things that make me angrier than dumb jewelry like Pandora and Brighton are babies wearing hair accessories when they have no hair. (I'm looking at you, flower headbands.) If you don’t have enough hair to braid, you don’t have enough hair to wear a barrette. And there is no amount of hair that warrants a flower headband. End of story.
Heather From the Block
Heather! In hoop earrings! Did I call it? Heather is also wearing a fishing net.
Heather and Kristen in Jeans
But I think I might like her jeans. Now lose the net and we’re talking.
This is a weird pregnancy photo that Kristen has hanging in her house. If you want to take semi-nude photos of your pregnant self, go for it. But if you don't have time to put on pants, then you also don't have time to put on that stupid hat.
Does Legz only own button-ups? Someone give her a pullover. I just want to see what happens. Where the heck is Sonja? We need some crazy up in here.
Hi, Sonja! See? Sonja never disappoints. Here she is wearing a bathing suit, randomly, in her home. She is very helpful to this blog post, too, because she tells you exactly what she's wearing. For example, this bathing suit is Ralph Lauren.
And this is the back of Sonja's Ralph Lauren bathing suit. Why is she wearing this? Oh, she's having Kristen over for spray tans. Of course Sonja wears this to get a spray tan.
Rich People are Weird
Sonja is awkwardly watching Kristen get sprayed down. This is odd.
Heather from the Block and Legz
Yawn. Nothing to see here. Let’s keep moving.
Before we go, though, I would like to recommend that Legz begin using a deep-conditioning mask on her hair. I know she just moved and all, but at least pull it back in a ponytail. You can't even fall back on the "Pulling my shirt over my head messed up my hair!" excuse. BECAUSE YOU ONLY WEAR BUTTON-UPS. Fix this.
Pretty Shirt and Sonja's Boobs
Back to Sonja. Ooh, she looks great. She is wearing an Oscar de la Renta top and Yves Saint Laurent pants. Sonja always looks so dewy. I wonder what that’s all about. I feel like she uses something fantastically nuts to achieve this, like the sweat of baby fawns. Really, that wouldn’t surprise me in the least.
Sonja's Full Look
Wait. Sonja just dropped this bomb of fabulousness: She is doing (designing? Sewing? Creating? Let's leave it at 'doing') a swimwear and lingerie collection! I hope there’s a caftan in there somewhere. Also, you might want to know that Sonja is friends with the King of Saudi Arabia.
Paging Dr. Legz
Button-up number four. DRINK.
Sonja's Fashion Tip of the Day
Get one of your interns to use a Sharpie to touch up scratches or scuffs on your Chanel or Badgley Mischka bags. Sonja is such a delight. I love that she has interns.
Time for Legz’s housewarming party. She moved in approximately three seconds ago. I like the color of those pants, but something weird is going on around the crotch area. But I do not think that ruffle-shirt is a button-up. Progress!
Is Sonja Naked Under That Coat?
No. But I wish she was, because then she would have needed to keep the coat on (Legz would not stand for nude shenanigans) and we wouldn't have seen this....
How much sexier would she look in a pair of black leather skinnies and a paper-thin white tee? Yes. Leave this for your next Great Gatsby party.
THE WORLD IS ENDING.
OH MY GOD. I think I might like Ramona’s dress. Yes. I do. The color is great, the slightly drop-waisted skirt is cute without being too precious, and the stripes are fantastic.
Hey, don’t get too comfortable there, Crazy Eyes. You may have scored this week, but...
... you once wore this.
Heather. Is it a kimono? A shirt-dress? I don’t understand. But is her dress so wacky that I like it? I think so?
Yes, I've decided that I firmly like Heather's dress. I do have a bone to pick with her makeup artist, though. Yikes.
Carole wore a black dress that looks deceptively simple and classic from afar. Also, those shoes! She is the only person on earth who can pull them off. Except for maybe Beyoncé.
Cool Carole Part 2
See? I told you her dress wasn't all that simple. There are laser cut-outs all over it, which gives it amazing texture. Love. Though she might need a volumizer?
Kristen's pink lipstick works on her, and I hope that black look is really a jumpsuit, but I don't think it is. You've stayed out of the fray so far, Kristen. But don't get too big for your britches. Remember the Countess.
Total button-up count: Five, including the one that Legz wore on move-in day that was just too boring to show. Until next time!
Missed last week? See the fashion recap of the season premiere here.