Philly-Themed Cocktails from Local Comedians
Comedians Chip Chantry and Jim Grammond posted the following list of Philly-themed cocktails to Facebook. We’re re-publishing it here with their permission. And if you notice that either Chantry or Grammond are performing around town, do yourself the favor of seeing them live.
PHILLY-THEMED COCKTAILS!
Philadelphia in the summertime is loaded with great bars, restaurants, and pop-up gardens where we can sit back, relax, and enjoy a good drink. These watering holes will often name a drink or two after a notable person, place or thing from this city’s rich history.
In the spirt of themed-spirits, Chip Chantry and Jim Grammond have taken the initiative to create some Philadelphia-themed cocktails and specialty drinks that bars across town should adopt. Immediately. Enjoy.
CHIP’S DRINK SPECIALS:
- THE PORT RICHMOND ICED TEA: It’s a Long Island Iced Tea served with a restraining order.
- THE MADE IN AMERICA SPECIAL: For 3 bucks, you get a can of Budweiser and a pregnancy test.
- THE RUBEN AMARETTO: When you drink it, it totally ruins your judgement.
- THE FADO: It’s a beautiful traditional Irish whiskey bottle, literally filled with shit from Cherry Hill.
- THE CENTER CITY: It’s a Manhattan, but way cheaper and more dangerous.
- THE HOT TODDLER IN A CAR: A fireball shot with an animal cracker in it.
- THE SURLY TEMPLE: It’s ginger ale, grenadine, and no marketable skills.
- THE RUM KNIGHT SHYAMALAN: It’s a boring rum drink, with a twist!
- THE GAYBORHOOD: It’s a relationship with your father, on the rocks.
- THE HAND JOB ON PENN’S LANDING: It’s like a Sex on the Beach, but much more realistic.
- THE PHILADELPHIA UNION: (for soccer fans!) After drinking it, you will end up in Chester, and won’t be able to use your hands.
- THE GLENGARRY HEIDNIK: Finely aged Scotch that’s kept in the basement.
JIM’S DRINK SPECIALS:
- THE LIBERTY BELL: Two parts American whiskey, one part crack.
- THE RITA’S WATER ICE: Available in a variety of tropical flavors, served while a pregnant woman smokes three feet away from you.
- THE PHILLY.COM COMMENTER: It’s all bitters. (Also known as the 610 WIP Caller.)
- THE PHILLIE PHANATIC: No one knows what’s in it, but it’s green and will have you thrusting your hips at children.
- THE NORTHEAST PHILLY: It’s Polish vodka, Irish whiskey, and Italian liqueur, but if you try to mix any more brown liquors into it the other ones all leave.
- THE PENN STUDENT: After five minutes you’ll want to slam it as hard as possible.
- THE COMCAST REP: You can order one, but then if you try to order something else the bartender won’t let you.
- THE PHILLY BLACK AND TAN: You’re fine with it, but your dad says it ruined the bar.
- THE KENZOTINI: It’s a martini, but the toothpick for the olives is a used syringe from under the El.
- THE JAWN ISLAND ICED TEA
- THE PAT’S AND GENO’S: Really just any drink served next to a more racist version of that drink.
- THE DJ JAZZY JEFF AND THE FRESH PRINCE: One part super premium, world-famous vodka, one part vodka people are surprised is still around.
PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.
