From Julio to Jay-Z … The talent playing Atlantic City this weekend is truly an absurd mix that spans half a century, crossing many demographics. First you’ve got Julio Iglesias Friday and Saturday at Caesars. I’ve gotta be honest, I have no idea what Julio sings or what the draw is, but he’s said to have played more than 5,000 shows throughout his career, so there must be somebody out there who is his Biggest Fan. Then you’ve got Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige at Boardwalk Hall on Saturday. Unlike the dynamic duo’s recent Philly performance, lots of tickets remain. In a bizarre blast from the past, ex-clothes-shedding Debbie Gibson — oh, sorry, Deborah Gibson (remember her Playboy spread?) — begins a three-week run at Harrah’s on Sunday. And the incomparable-on-so-many-levels Dolly Parton plays her rescheduled (due to, er, back pain) Borgata gig Saturday night. Simultaneously in the Borgata, there’s Tracy Morgan. Even if he just puts 30 Rock re-runs on the projector, its bound to be funny.

And they’re off … Saturday is the 134th Kentucky Derby. Start the day off right at McGillin’s Olde Ale House with $3 mint juleps. If the kids are tagging along, precluding the consumption of copious amounts of bourbon, head to Franklin Square, where Philly’s own equestrian heroes Smarty Jones and Afleet Alex have been immortalized as carousel horses (for $60,000!!!). From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., every kid that rides will receive a first-place ribbon. Finally, everyone actually wins.

At last, a reason to hang out under I-95 … I love Zoe Strauss. Her photography is real Philadelphia: mean, gritty and honest. So there’s no better place for a Zoe Strauss exhibit than in South Philly, under I-95. Front and Mifflin from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. on Sunday. Her work is so real, it’s realer than real. It’s unreal. Just, um, check it out.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you … A lot of people are confused. This Sunday is not Mother’s Day. Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. Which gives you a whole extra week to completely forget. This year, skip the Godiva and opt for John & Kira’s locally made chocolates. You have to order by May 6th for delivery, and you don’t want to send them belated, right?

Comcast-Spectacor just released seats for tonight’s Sixers-Pistons playoff game, which, if you haven’t been keeping track, the Sixers must win or they’re out. The game starts at 8 p.m. at the Wachovia Center, and it looks like you can get in for as little as $30 if you want to squint. It also looks like the tickets are moving way faster than I can type this, so if you want in, act now.

The Berlin-based Artemis Quartet will bring some serious string work to the Kimmel Center tonight before heading to New York on their blink-and-you’ll-miss-it U.S. tour. Watch them getting their Stravinsky and Mozart on at 8 p.m. $26.50.

Jason Collett, a Toronto indie guy who performed with the likes of all 3 billion members of Broken Social Scene, will be upstairs at World Café Live doing his solo ditties. So, check it out, eh? 8 p.m.; $15.

The Phillies kick-start their first game in the Astro series with a special tribute commemorating the 61st anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s debut in the big leagues. If that’s not enough to reel you in, keep in mind it’s also Dollar Dog Night. Tickets for the 7:05 p.m. game are still up for grabs.

I know the Sixers aren’t the Eagles or anything, but apparently they still have some hardcore fans — check out the guy in the picture — because tonight is Fan Appreciation Night at the Wachovia Center. Come out early for the team’s last home game before the playoffs and enjoy a Bud Light Block Party with food, games and local bands.

In the mood for a little artistic expression? Try tonight’s 10 p.m. open mic at the Trocadero for A.D. Amorosi’s “Monday Night Club.” The event features “local comedians, poets, rappers, and confessions.” If you are a “performer” of any kind, e-mail host Danny Ozark from 94 WYSP so he can add you to the list of other “performers.” I think that defeats the purpose of “open” mic, but oh well. The event is free to enter.

Catch modern rock band The Bravery at the Chameleon Club in Lancaster tonight. You may remember “An Honest Mistake” off their first album, or “Believe” from their latest, The Sun and the Moon. They are headlining with Fiction Plane — fronted by Joe Sumner (Sting’s son!) and great band in their own right — and Your Vegas. If you can’t make tonight’s show, try again on April 27th at the Crocodile Rock Café in Allentown.

Last night, Johnny Doc made a campaign stop at Bob & Barbara’s, one of our favorite dive bars, where members of his squad tried to convince the bar half full of drunkards to wear Doc stickers. One lovely young woman, who politely declined, was asked in response: “What are you, an alien?” A few moments later, a white guy who had come from the Phillies game made a comment about the owner of Bob & Barbara’s being a “cracker,” to which the black gentleman to his side took offense and threatened to throw him out on the street. Then, a 6′8″ plumber threatened to lock out the bartender, who had stepped outside for a moment, at the same time that the plumber wanted a drink. Always a good time at Bob & Barbara’s. Even more so tonight when they break out the ping pong tables, which they do every Tuesday starting at 4 p.m. It’s free to play and so cheap to drink (yes, the “special” — a can of Pabst and a shot of Beam — is still just $3). 1509 South Street, 215-545-4511.

HIP-HOP/R&B
Just a week ago, it seemed that the blockbuster Mary J. Blige/Jay-Z concert at the Wachovia Center was sold out, with only single tickets — i.e., you couldn’t sit next to your date — available. But thanks to last-minute production changes, lots of front-row, dead-center seats just came up for grabs for a mere $350. I’m not sure if that means that the people who thought that they were in the front row are now actually in the second row, but now is not the time for empathy or compassion. Now is the time to go to one of those insta-return tax places and cash out on what will be (assuming that the reviews from the other cities on the tour are any indication) an immensely memorable way to spend Sunday night. If you need to warm yourself up, dance the night away tonight with Philly’s own funkateers, The Blue Method at the North Star ($10).

JAZZ
If the idea of jazz saxophone makes you think of that slow, geriatric Kenny-G filled station that you should have erased long ago from your car radio’s presets, you need to get deprogrammed by Mr. Wayne Shorter tonight at the Kimmel ($26 to $74). Shorter’s music leans towards the out there. It’s what they call jazz fusion, which long ago became a bad word just because there was so much lousy stuff around. But 75-year-old Shorter, who has performed with Miles Davis, Herbie Hancock, Maynard Ferguson, and Weather Report, is a legend and at the top of the game. And over at Chris’ Jazz Cafe, the second-annual Big Band Festival runs through Sunday. Most promising is Saturday night with the Jump City Jazz Orchestra, with special guest saxman Larry McKenna ($15 to $20).

SPORTS
Yes, the Phillies‘ home opener against the Nationals (as in the team that stole all of our hopes and dreams last season) on Monday is sold out, though there are plenty of tickets moving around on Craigslist, and you could always watch it on TV, minus the spilled beer and Schmitter. To quench your thirst in the meantime, pay a visit to the National Constitution Center’s Baseball As America exhibit, reviewed in our brand-new April issue by our own very capable Bridget Salmons, whom I never would have guessed to be a closeted baseball junkie, what with the nose ring and all.

MOVIES
Should none of the new movies previewed in this morning’s Flick Filter interest you, try one of these oldies but goodies. 007 does his debonair spy-lover thing in The Man With the Golden Gun at the Colonial on Sunday. Before Pee Wee was exposed as a perv, he had his Big Adventure, at the County Theater in Doylestown on Saturday. And the new Franklin Theater at the Franklin Institute gets graphic this weekend with The Terminator (Friday) and T2 (Saturday).

Your weekend agenda, decided for you …

RHYMES WITH “BONG,” NOT “BANG”
The highlight performance of the Grammy Awards was Herbie Hancock’s “Rhapsody in Blue” duet with Curtis grad Lang Lang, but it didn’t really showcase the madness and unconventional playing for which Lang is both praised and criticized. For a taste of that, you’re much better off with the YouTube clip “Lang Lang Gone Mad”. I’m pretty sure that after watching it, you’ll agree with me that if Lang never left his native China, he would have been institutionalized and, eventually, executed for his eccentricity. In any case, this Sunday at the Kimmel, he’ll pound, plow, and plink through Bartok and Chopin. 7:30 p.m.; $34 to $69.

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THEATER
A big bravo to the brand-new Mauckingbird Theatre Company for selling out the remainder of its very first show, The Misanthrope, an all-male gay retelling of Molière’s comedic masterpiece at the Adrienne. This being a Thursday and all, tonight is your best chance to get in, so show up early (no later than 6:30) and put yourself on the waiting list. (If you don’t get in, you could catch the 7:30 showing of George Clooney’s new pic, Michael Clayton, a few doors down at the Roxy.)

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Yesterday, when I asked a friend what he was doing this weekend, he responded, “There’s really not much going on.” Silly, silly fool … Enjoy.

Girls that have, indeed, gone wild … With sports teams like ours, it’s imperative to have at least one we can root for right now, a team in whom we can rest all our hopes for victory and vindication. To this end, I give you The Philly Roller Girls, wheeled women of every shape and size, with lots of tattoos and attitude, who seek to annihilate everything in their path. On Saturday in Feasterville, our Philthy Britches take on the lovely gals from Baltimore (an obvious joke … have you ever seen Baltimore girls?). If you’ve never been to one of these modernized roller derby matches, they’re a hoot. Totally kid-appropriate if you have a swearing household and don’t have a problem with them seeing a few bruised thighs and trunk-flashes.

Not that kind of g-string … Me, I’m a pianist, so I kind of hate guitar players, simply because they’re always louder and more lusted after than keyboard players. Of course, Eddie Van Halen solved this problem by playing both instruments, but I digress. This weekend, fans of the six-string have Grammy-winner and spaced-out jazz guitarist Bill Frisell (playing with Jamaaladeen Tacuma, a Philly bass force to be reckoned with) at Rutgers, those sickeningly talented (well, most of them) students of the Paul Green School of Rock at the Troc, and, for those of you who like your guitar as loud and distorted as possible, Marilyn Manson eviscerates the Factory. But don’t worry, you’re safe — that one’s diabolically sold out.

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