COMBUSTIBLES … Last year, my son was around a year-and-a-half old for the Fourth of July, and I can’t tell you how many annoying family members kept telling me not to let the poor kid near sparklers. SPARKLERS, I tell you. Apparently, there was some horrific report on the freakin’ Today show. Needless to say, he got his sparklers. This year, I think we’re progressing to Roman candles. But if you would prefer, smartly, to leave it to the pros, there is no shortage. On Friday, look for the sky to light up above the Art Museum, after Philly boy John Legend does his “Neo-soul” thing, whatever that means. And on Saturday, we’ve got Boyz II Men on the Waterfront, followed by big booming fireworks over the Delaware. I’ve been hearing some complaints that the organizers this year have gone too “urban” with the music (and by that, they mean “too black”). What I would say is that, first of all, there’s nothing urban about John Legend or Boyz II Men. And on top of that, what do these complainers want? More Hall & Oates like last year? Puleeze! For a complete schedule of the Welcome America activities, go here.

COMESTIBLES … In case you haven’t heard, it’s going to be hot and swampy all weekend. So you can act like you’re being all charitable and whatnot and go to Penn’s Landing and cool down at the Super Scooper Ice Cream Festival, benefiting pediatric leukemia research. It’s only $5, and you can eat as much ice cream as you damn well please. Next year, they’ll obviously be asking you to attend the obesity research benefit.

BATTLES ROYALE … Yo, Mets! You thought that Philly fans were tough before? Wait till you see us on a three day weekend, fueled by lots of beer and barbecue, not to mention the increased hometown pride due to the fact that this national holiday only exists because of us. What ever happened in New York? Nuthin’. This weekend, as you dare to come to Philly for a three-game series against our FIRST-PLACE TEAM, we will make you wish you never got on the Turnpike. Oh, and if a stray bottle rocket happens to impale your pitcher in the eye, I apologize in advance. That’s just how we do here in Philadelphia.

THE CONCERT YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY GO TO … Those people who are complaining about our Welcome America music being too black probably wouldn’t enjoy themselves very much on Saturday night at World Cafe Live, as Seun Kuti, otherwise known as the son of the late Nigerian revolutionary, Fela Kuti, leads his pop’s old band, Egypt 80, for a funky night of Afrobeat. For a taste of the Kuti-family sound, which is very reminiscent of that old-school James Brown funk, check out this performance from Senegal.

AND THEN THERE’S … Comedienne Chelsea Handler at the Borgata. The Color Purple (discounted tickets available for Sunday night at 6:30 p.m.!) at the Academy. The Salsa Congress (as in the dance, not Ortega’s) at the Convention Center all weekend. And for all you science fiction supergeeks out there, the original Star Trek movie at the Colonial on Sunday.

Yes, next weekend is a three-dayer, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t get out and make the most of this weekend. Here are seven ways to do it …

Hit A.C. … Sip a beachy cocktail by the pool at the Borgata’s brand new and ultraluxe Water Club. Be mesmerized at the new Kalin & Ginger magic show at Trump Marina (read my interview with illusionist Mark Kalin here). See the least attractive Beatle at the Taj. There’s also the cover-band festival Fake Fest at the Marina and the excessively altered Joan Rivers at Harrah’s.

Avoid blockbusters … If you’re sickened by the current box office offerings (The Love Guru, that Shyamalan disaster), the Philadelphia Independent Film Festival, all weekend in Northern Liberties, might provide the cure.

Enjoy opera without the stupid glasses … On Sunday, the Bryn Mawr Film Institute shows Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde, filmed at Milan’s Teatro alla Scala; it’s the last in BMFI’s opera series for a while, so get your arias in while you still can.

Watch veins pop … The whole 4th of July Welcome America festival kicks off on Saturday with, what else, a strongman competition on the Parkway. Stick around for the Rocky screening outside of the Art Museum at 9 p.m.

Rock out … The Philly-founded Paul Green School of Rock celebrates ten years teaching the future of America how to channel their inner thrashers with its annual festival at Penn’s Landing and the Electric Factory. The kids get to jam with the Butthole Surfers, Devo and the Dropkick Murphys.

Pretend you understand art … Yes, it’s true that there’s usually no good reason to go to Manayunk, but the Philly Mag-sponsored Manayunk Arts Festival might be a good time to reconsider. Saturday 11 a.m. to 8 p.m., Sunday 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Get played … No matter what you might think, Oprah’s production of The Color Purple at the Academy is good. Go see it. And Souvenir, starring Media-native and Tony nominee Ann Crumb as early 20th-century eccentric and horrible opera singer Florence Foster Jenkins, closes at the Wilma on Sunday.

But you don’t HAVE to take off all your clothes. Here are 10 (or more) ways to ensure a figuratively cool weekend …

• If, like me, you use window air-conditioners and, like me, you haven’t installed them yet, take advantage of your summer hours and do so today, because Philadelphia in the high 90s can be a truly miserable experience.

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Seven (or more) great ways to put off Monday …

• Sultry Philly songstress Joanna Pascale (pictured) celebrates the release of her second CD, Through My Eyes, at the Loews’ Millennium Hall on Sunday night. $25 gets you in and a copy of the CD, which you can sample here. If you need your jazz a little more interesting, don’t miss Grazyna Auguscik & Eastern Blok at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight.

• It doesn’t have the panache of, say, Body Worlds, or the nostalgic fun of Star Wars, but the Franklin Institute’s new Real Pirates exhibit (opening Saturday) should keep the kids happy, though you might have to watch Pirates of the Caribbean again as a result. Be sure to look out for the weird pirate fetishists that will undoubtedly turn up. (What, you’ve never been invited to a “pirate party”?)

• Burlesque troupe Peek-a-Boo Revue sexes up Silk City on Spring Garden with the Striptease Orchestra on Sunday night. This is Peek-a-Boo’s final Philly performance before heading to Miss Exotic World 2008 in Vegas. Read our Q&A with Peek-a-Boo director Lulu Lollipop.

• On Sunday afternoon, in a departure from their normal repertoire (like Saturday night’s Metal Meltdown, which I am ashamed to say that I have a hand in), Fishtown’s Johnny Brenda’s presents the Big Horn Cavaliers, a 15-piece big band in the tradition of Charles Mingus. While at JB’s, don’t miss the pork tacos and oyster stew from their newish menu.

• As the theater scene winds down for the summer, we still have the Arden’s production of Our Town (reviewed here) to keep us going, soon to be followed by the Oprah-backed Color Purple, which I mention because tickets are moving quickly and you don’t want to get caught without, assuming that you’re not anti-Oprah like me.

• Yes, it’s true that you have seen the Wizard of Oz something like 34 times, but any chance you have to watch it on film on a gigantic movie screen, the way it was originally intended, you’ve gotta do it, and the Colonial in Phoenixville offers such a chance on Saturday. Speaking of repertory flicks, the Bryn Mawr Film Institute still has space in its four-week Hitchcock film education series, which begins next Wednesday.

• If you just haven’t heard enough about the 2008 presidential election, Bill Maher does his political comedy thing at the Borgata on Saturday. Also at the Borgata, you’ve got that annoying redhead Kathy Griffin. I was told that all of her shows were sold out, but now I’m hearing that you might be able to scare up some tickets to tonight’s late show.

The South Street Headhouse District’s 8 Days of Eats celebration (think Restaurant Week, but all South Street-area restaurants) kicks off tonight with samples from places like Django, Xochitl, and Zot from 7-9 p.m. at Headhouse Square (2nd Street, between Pine and Lombard). At 8 p.m., the French will flood Verizon Hall for a performance by Orchestre National de France ($33-$115). And on the Main Line, the Bryn Mawr Film Institute hosts a special screening of King Corn, a documentary about Public Enemy Number One: corn. Yes, the vegetable.

$25 a laugh … Three hundred and twenty-five bucks to see Billy Crystal at the Borgata? Sheesh. I always knew I was in the wrong line of work, but this is ridiculous. Should your pockets not run quite so deep but you still need a few laughs, master impersonator Frank Caliendo — also at the Borgata — comes in at a much more reasonable $39.50. Both gentlemen perform Friday and Saturday night, as does Jimmy Shubert (King of Queens, Comedy Central Presents …), whose Helium shows will set you back a mere $30 for a reserved seat ($25 unreserved).

Both gay but in totally different ways … And now from the department of Back from the Dead, I give you the Moody Blues, who are unique in that they achieved success while completely eluding coolness, on any level. The Tower seems like the perfect place for a little “Nights in White Satin.” I do hope they recite the poem at the end — you know: “Breathe deep the gathering gloom …” But it’s my birthday, and the Moody Blues are far too serious for birthday galavanting. Perhaps the B-52s at the Electric Factory will do the trick. The Blues and the Bs both play tonight, so if you are part of the nonexistent demographic that would have a hard time choosing which of the two shows to attend, I guess you have something thinking to do.

A little local talent … Saxman Bootsie Barnes blows at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight. Folksy Linda Cohen, who was something at one time, sees if she still is with a Sunday gig at Tin Angel. And for those who like their music loud and jumpy, punk/funk Black Landlord takes the Khyber on Saturday.

My boss made me do it … All the old guys in my office talk about former Inquirer columnist Steve Lopez, who apparently was at one time the great savior of Philadelphia journalism. Steve Lopez this, Steve Lopez that. And it’s always “Steve Lopez,” full name. Never “Steve” or “Lopez,” which in this business is a level of respect afforded to few. It kind of feels like when my dad gets all teary-eyed over Tom Landry. Anyway, Steve Lopez recently wrote a book called The Soloist, about a homeless musical genius in Los Angeles, which Steve Lopez now calls home. And it sounds like Steve Lopez is doing all right for himself, since they’re now making a movie of the book starring Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. Not too shabby. On Saturday, my boss — Larry Platt — will drool over interview Steve Lopez about all of this at the Free Library.

From drag queens to Orwell … Lots of new plays to consider. The short list: Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Latvian Society (reviewed by our new critic, MB Case); Animal Farm at Mum Puppettheatre (the Inquirer called it “just right”); and Bug by Tracy Letts, who just won the 2008 Pulitzer for drama, at Christ Church.

And for the little terrors … Seems like a perfect weekend to visit Longwood Gardens, where spring is out of hand. On Saturday, they debut three brand-new tree houses — Lookout Loft, Canopy Cathedral, and the Birdhouse — with lots of educational activities for your budding arborist, though I might steer them more in the direction of “tree surgeon,” given the price that this guy quoted me recently to save my dying tree. (I cut it down with a chainsaw.)

Personally, I hate going to the movies more than anything — between the extremely high priced snacks and the constant fight for the armrest, I’d rather wait for the DVD to come out so I can watch it on my couch. But if you absolutely cannot wait any longer for Juno — the crazy-hyped movie featuring Ellen Page and Michael Cena — the Trocadero is hosting a pre-DVD release screening. And you get in for only $3, which counts toward a drink or snack.

New Orleans outfit Papa Grows Funk (pictured) hits up World Cafe Live for a little dirty swamp funk from the Bayou (9 p.m.; $10) … Hottie Danish violinist Nikolaj Znaider joins the Philadelphia Orchestra on musical selections from Stanley Kubrick’s monumental 2001: A Space Odyssey at the Kimmel (8 p.m.; $38 to $115) … And over at the Film Festival, where there have been lots of sellouts, Heavy Metal in Baghdad, an intriguing documentary about Acrassicauda, possibly Iraq’s only headbanging band, is not sold out. At least not yet. At International House. (7:15 p.m.; $10).

Yesterday’s fire at the Gershman Y is apparently not stopping their monthly First Person Salon, which tonight features a premiere of Andrew David Watson’s 20-minute film Down the Hatch: The Life of John “Red” Stuart, about a local sword swallower (pictured). I’ve met the guy; he’s as weird as you’d want your neighborhood sword swallower to be.

Over at Johnny Brenda’s, Louisville’s VHS or BETA hauls in their dancey/punky/poppy sound — which has been leaning towards the more poppy and less dancey lately, much to many a critic’s dismay — with West Philly/Brooklyn ensemble Coyote.

And if you are willing to let fate take its course, the Philadelphia Film Festival has a “mystery film” at the Prince at 9:30 p.m. All we know is that it was a big deal at Sundance. Good luck with that.

The truly hot ticket for this evening is Philly’s own Man Man at the Starlight in support of their brand-new release, Rabbit Habits. But you’re not getting into that ridiculously sold-out show unless you tunnel in. So if you just have to do something tonight other than watch the new episode of Hell’s Kitchen (I so prefer Kitchen Nightmares, but that’s me), here are a few events to consider …

The Wine School of Philadelphia’s “State Store Wine Buying” class. After all, how many times have you been like the woman in this photo, completely lost in our state-controlled liquor stores? This seems like a perfectly sensible thing to do. $37.99, 7:30 p.m.

And considerably less sensible, two Philadelphia Film Fest screenings … Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story, a documentary about the zany B-movie director who came up with the idea to insert buzzers (spine tinglers) in cinema seats to give moviegoers a jolt (9:30 p.m. at International House, $10) … or the North American premiere of Sperm, a Thai horror film which, according to the Film Festival’s guide, features “big-titted aliens conducting strange experiments on the babies.” The director’s last film? SARS Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis. Maybe you should stick with the wine class. (9:30 p.m. at the Bridge, $10).