So it turns out that the hardest ticket to get for tonight is not the second Chris Rock show at the Academy of Music, for which a good number of tickets have magically appeared (including pairs in the super-fancy proscenium box that you always wanted to sit in), but is, instead, for John DeBella’s Comfort Food Fest, where chefs from Tangerine, Lacroix, Positano Coast, and Brasserie Perrier will lay down their foie gras and fumet in favor of their fresh takes on Rice-A-Roni and Manwich. It’s a free event and it’s almost at capacity, so if you want in, try contacting the station or getting on the waiting list by calling 215-627-1060. Cescaphe Ballroom, 923 North 2nd Street, 6 p.m. to 9 p.m.

PHOTO: The Philadelphia Weekly

Because there’s just not a whole hell of a lot going on tonight and because you, for whatever reason, aren’t content with new episodes of Law & Order, I give you …

That dirty little secret, Quizzo, at Fergie’s (free, well, except for the booze; 9:30 p.m.) or the ever so slightly more highbrow First Person Story Slam — this month’s subject: “Brotherly Love (And Sisterly
Affection)” — at L’Etage at 7:30 p.m. $5 to $10.

Because the Jeopardy Teen Tournament just isn’t holding your interest, I give you …

HATG (that’s Hovering Above The Gutter) Theatre Company’s Starving Artists’ Monologue Slam, upstairs at Fergie’s Pub, where local actors, drunks, and ne’er-do-wells drink large amounts of dark beer and read three-minute monologues in the hopes of winning $100 cash, which they will undoubtedly drop at the bar anyway.

And if that’s just far too unrefined for your tastes, Lantern Theatre Company is offering $15 tickets to their 7 p.m. showing of David Hare’s Skylight, which everyone has been raving about. You’ll have to lie and say you’re a Theatre Alliance Listserv member to get the discount. Call 215-829-0395.

Because you lost your TV remote and just can’t bear to get up to change the channel, I give you …

The weekly Fancypants Cinema at North Third, featuring short, locally made films. Some memorable. Some not. And you can BYO (movies, not booze … after all, it’s a bar). Starts around 10 p.m., and Chef Peter Dunmire keeps cooking until midnight.

Because even in the face of clearly imminent nastiness, you still can’t forget that forecast Snowstorm of the Century that never happened, I give you …

The City Paper’s always-enjoyable I Love You/I Hate You personals (sample below), dramatically read by some of the city’s finest actors. At Azuka Theatre Company’s three-hour (5 p.m. to 8 p.m.) happy hour at Woody’s. $10

From this week’s I Love You/I Hate You …

LK GLAXO
You followed my fiance around like a sick sad puppy for over a year hoping one day he would look into those droopy eyes, see past that gummy smile and grab your flabby arms and say “I want to leave my beautiful, smart and loving fiance for you, despite the fact that you are just a pathetic loser who is nearing 30 and reserved herself to buy a house with her skeletor looking roomate and drink every weekend in Manayunk.” I think when you decide to become a lesbian it will neither be due to nature or nurture, it will just be out of desperation! You know who you are LK ~ too bad no one else does.

Because you have just been given the secret knowledge that the world is about to end — as in tonight — meaning that you no longer have to rush home to watch the Super Tuesday results, since they are meaningless, and can, instead, spend your evening doing something really stupid, I give you …

Helium Comedy Club presents 20 amateur comedians, all trying desperately to make you laugh. I’m no statistician or oddsmaker, but I feel like the law of averages must hold that if you get 20 amateur comedians together in one room, one is bound to be funny enough to make it all worth it. Right? Okay, well, it’s a free event, so drink up and stop being so picky.

THEATER
Pulitzer- and Tony award-winning playwright Edward Albee’s (Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?) newest work, Me, Myself & I, closes soon at Princeton. Toby called lead actress Tyne Daly (yes, yes, from Cagney & Lacey) “brilliant.”

If Princeton is out of reach, Avenue Q’s run at the Forrest ends on Sunday.

PARTYING
There used to be a time when Fat Tuesday meant something in Philadelphia. Sure, that meaning basically boiled down to South Street turning into a river of regurgitated alcohol, bosom beads, and mounted police, but that was long ago. Tonight, grab a a friend and a drink (or several) and make it mean something again.

COUCH SURF
Hey, it is only Day 2, and there’s plenty of week left, so sitting on the couch and watching Super Tuesday returns during American Idol commercial breaks could also make perfect sense.

Because you’ve decided at the last minute not to compete in the Wing Bowl tomorrow morning and do not, therefore, need to spend the night doing whatever it is that Wing Bowl contestants do before gorging, I give you …

Karaoke at the Happy Rooster: The DJ is an ass, the drinks not cheap, the room way too cramped, but, oh, it’s such a good time. Should you prefer the private, Asian-style karaoke — i.e., you don’t want to run the risk of your boss seeing you do the Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself” — opt for the brand-new Yakitori Boy.

[Disclaimer: the above photo is actually from a karaoke event in New York. If you see anything this good happening at karaoke tonight in Philly, by all means, send me a picture.]