Your time is precious. Here are five stellar ways to consider spending it …

• The egotistical and extraordinary Kanye West brings his critically acclaimed Glow in the Dark Tour to the Susquehanna Center on Saturday night. There’s not a single seat left in the house, but you should be able to find something on Craigslist, and Sherry’s Tickets on 15th street has 18th row from the stage for about $150 each (215-561-5544). If you get there early, you’ll have to sit through Lupe and Rihanna, which you might not care to do.

• Also egotistical and extraordinary but in a less cool way, FBI-raided illusionist David Copperfield will inspire awe and female swooning at the Academy all weekend. I’ve seen him a couple of times and, although he’s likely to do the same tricks as before, I’m going again, which says something about either the quality of his work or my lack of a social calendar.

• Like books? The Free Library’s Second Annual Book Festival has lots of ’em, and their authors, too. Look for headliners Barbara Walters and Bernadette Peters (who apparently has a book out) in addition to Philly Mag contributors Ben Wallace (The Billionaire’s Vinegar: The Mystery of the World’s Most Expensive Bottle of Wine) and Vicki “World’s Most Hated Mom” Glembocki (The Second Nine Months: One Woman Tells the REAL Truth About Becoming a Mom).

• As if the Italian Market isn’t overcrowded enough, it’s the 9th Street Italian Market Festival this Saturday and Sunday. Sounds like it’s a lot less Italian than it used to be, sort of like South Philly itself. I’ll be grabbing a meatball sandwich (or maybe some tamales if the tamale lady is around), hopefully some homemade wine (shhhh!) and catching a set by the thoroughly non-Italian Black Landlord, one of my favorite Philly bands (they perform 3 p.m. on Sunday).

• If you’re shorebound, you’ll find that Chris Rock at the Borgata is sold out, Jim Breuer (fellow SNL alum, also at the Borgata) is not, and then there’s ’80s pop star Deborah Gibson, whose show is actually supposed to be pretty entertaining if you’re into the whole pop-meets-Broadway conceit. If you are, $25 tickets are available, and be sure to check out my interview with Ms. Gibson.

If you want in on the Flight of the Conchords show at the Tower, good luck, because it is way sold out. (Actually, there are some good deals on Craigslist, so you might just get lucky if you keep your eyes peeled.) Your only other reasonable option would be Eddie Izzard, the British actor/comedian/transvestite, who brings his Stripped tour to the Academy for the first of three nights. Plenty of tickets ($45 to $65) remain for each show.

From Julio to Jay-Z … The talent playing Atlantic City this weekend is truly an absurd mix that spans half a century, crossing many demographics. First you’ve got Julio Iglesias Friday and Saturday at Caesars. I’ve gotta be honest, I have no idea what Julio sings or what the draw is, but he’s said to have played more than 5,000 shows throughout his career, so there must be somebody out there who is his Biggest Fan. Then you’ve got Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige at Boardwalk Hall on Saturday. Unlike the dynamic duo’s recent Philly performance, lots of tickets remain. In a bizarre blast from the past, ex-clothes-shedding Debbie Gibson — oh, sorry, Deborah Gibson (remember her Playboy spread?) — begins a three-week run at Harrah’s on Sunday. And the incomparable-on-so-many-levels Dolly Parton plays her rescheduled (due to, er, back pain) Borgata gig Saturday night. Simultaneously in the Borgata, there’s Tracy Morgan. Even if he just puts 30 Rock re-runs on the projector, its bound to be funny.

And they’re off … Saturday is the 134th Kentucky Derby. Start the day off right at McGillin’s Olde Ale House with $3 mint juleps. If the kids are tagging along, precluding the consumption of copious amounts of bourbon, head to Franklin Square, where Philly’s own equestrian heroes Smarty Jones and Afleet Alex have been immortalized as carousel horses (for $60,000!!!). From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., every kid that rides will receive a first-place ribbon. Finally, everyone actually wins.

At last, a reason to hang out under I-95 … I love Zoe Strauss. Her photography is real Philadelphia: mean, gritty and honest. So there’s no better place for a Zoe Strauss exhibit than in South Philly, under I-95. Front and Mifflin from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. on Sunday. Her work is so real, it’s realer than real. It’s unreal. Just, um, check it out.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you … A lot of people are confused. This Sunday is not Mother’s Day. Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. Which gives you a whole extra week to completely forget. This year, skip the Godiva and opt for John & Kira’s locally made chocolates. You have to order by May 6th for delivery, and you don’t want to send them belated, right?

Long before their breakthrough HBO series, Canadian troupe The Kids in the Hall comedy-sketched their way across theater stages, in front of live audiences. Tonight, they get back to those basics at the Keswick in Glenside, where very limited seating is available. Need a refresher? Watch this clip of the Inexperienced Cannibal. $39.50 to $45; 8 p.m.

$25 a laugh … Three hundred and twenty-five bucks to see Billy Crystal at the Borgata? Sheesh. I always knew I was in the wrong line of work, but this is ridiculous. Should your pockets not run quite so deep but you still need a few laughs, master impersonator Frank Caliendo — also at the Borgata — comes in at a much more reasonable $39.50. Both gentlemen perform Friday and Saturday night, as does Jimmy Shubert (King of Queens, Comedy Central Presents …), whose Helium shows will set you back a mere $30 for a reserved seat ($25 unreserved).

Both gay but in totally different ways … And now from the department of Back from the Dead, I give you the Moody Blues, who are unique in that they achieved success while completely eluding coolness, on any level. The Tower seems like the perfect place for a little “Nights in White Satin.” I do hope they recite the poem at the end — you know: “Breathe deep the gathering gloom …” But it’s my birthday, and the Moody Blues are far too serious for birthday galavanting. Perhaps the B-52s at the Electric Factory will do the trick. The Blues and the Bs both play tonight, so if you are part of the nonexistent demographic that would have a hard time choosing which of the two shows to attend, I guess you have something thinking to do.

A little local talent … Saxman Bootsie Barnes blows at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight. Folksy Linda Cohen, who was something at one time, sees if she still is with a Sunday gig at Tin Angel. And for those who like their music loud and jumpy, punk/funk Black Landlord takes the Khyber on Saturday.

My boss made me do it … All the old guys in my office talk about former Inquirer columnist Steve Lopez, who apparently was at one time the great savior of Philadelphia journalism. Steve Lopez this, Steve Lopez that. And it’s always “Steve Lopez,” full name. Never “Steve” or “Lopez,” which in this business is a level of respect afforded to few. It kind of feels like when my dad gets all teary-eyed over Tom Landry. Anyway, Steve Lopez recently wrote a book called The Soloist, about a homeless musical genius in Los Angeles, which Steve Lopez now calls home. And it sounds like Steve Lopez is doing all right for himself, since they’re now making a movie of the book starring Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. Not too shabby. On Saturday, my boss — Larry Platt — will drool over interview Steve Lopez about all of this at the Free Library.

From drag queens to Orwell … Lots of new plays to consider. The short list: Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Latvian Society (reviewed by our new critic, MB Case); Animal Farm at Mum Puppettheatre (the Inquirer called it “just right”); and Bug by Tracy Letts, who just won the 2008 Pulitzer for drama, at Christ Church.

And for the little terrors … Seems like a perfect weekend to visit Longwood Gardens, where spring is out of hand. On Saturday, they debut three brand-new tree houses — Lookout Loft, Canopy Cathedral, and the Birdhouse — with lots of educational activities for your budding arborist, though I might steer them more in the direction of “tree surgeon,” given the price that this guy quoted me recently to save my dying tree. (I cut it down with a chainsaw.)

A pretty good way to blow the next ten minutes would be to watch Jimmy Shubert’s (King of Queens, Comedy Central) Conjoined Twin Country Singer routine. He returns to his hometown for a four-night run at Helium. $10 to $15; 8 p.m.

Downstairs at World Cafe Live, there’s Colin Hay, whom you’d probably best remember as the man who brought you “Who Can It Be Now” and “Down Under” (remember what you looked like when this video came out?) as lead singer for 1980s ensemble Men at Work. $30; 7:30 p.m.

Normally, I would tell you to get out to the Film Festival’s last weekend. But the good folks behind it have done such a bang up job that everything I’d want to see is sold out. Even the shows they added due to popular demand — sold out. So here are some other thoughts on how to spend the next couple of rainy days …

CONCERTS
Local sax veteran Bootsie Barnes joins trumpeter John Swana at Chris’ Jazz Cafe (Saturday, 8 p.m., $20; 10 p.m. $15). Carlos Santana’s Saturday show at the Borgata is sold out, but tickets are still around for tonight (7 p.m., $75.50-$125.50) — and congratulations to Rich Woods, who won the pair of tickets I gave away in this week’s Go-To Guide (if you want to sign up for the Go-To Guide to get in on ticket giveaways, go here). Frenetic Klezmer band The West Philadelphia Orchestra tears up the North Star (Saturday, 9 p.m., $12). And the not-exactly soft-spoken Saul Williams brings his poetic hip-hop to the Troc tonight (8 p.m., $15).

THEATER
Everyone seemed to love the Arden’s production of August Wilson’s The Piano Lesson, which ends this Sunday. So it will be interesting to see what Delaware Theatre Company can do to top it, as they open the same exact show. All I can say is, good luck.

COMEDY
From Comedy Central’s Premium Blend, Rodney Laney will attempt to elicit a few laughs at Helium (Friday and Saturday, 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. both nights; $20-$30). Germophobe and host of guilty pleasure Deal or No Deal Howie Mandel does his shtick at Caesars in A.C. (Saturday, 9 p.m., $40-$60). And if you, for whatever reason, think that Joy Behar is funny, the Borgata will happily accept your money (Saturday, 9 p.m., $39.50-$45).

On the HBO hit Curb Your Enthusiasm, she plays Susie Greene, an abrasive wife with a truck driver’s vocabulary. But Susie Essman isn’t quick to bitch and berate in real life. In fact, four-letter words were few and far between when we talked to her about sexism, family, and why it’s healthy to go Greene every now and then. She does her standup routine this Saturday night at the Gershman Y. — Cheryl McEvoy

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Yes, the Film Festival officially begins this evening, but things aren’t really kicking into high gear until tomorrow. For tonight …

COMEDY
Not sure who is more annoying, really: Joe Rogan (the host — if you can really call him a host — of Fear Factor) or Andrew Dice Clay. But clearly some people out there find these guys amusing. Very limited $20 unreserved seats are all that’s left for Rogan’s appearance at Helium tonight, and the folks at the Keswick tell me that the Clay show ($45.50 to $59.50) has sold quite well, which I’ll just tell myself is the reason that he refused to do an interview with yours truly. He just didn’t need me.

JAZZ
Much higher on the respectability scale, Grammy-winning tenor saxophonist Joe Lovano begins his two night stand at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight with shows at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. (same times tomorrow). All shows are $30, though students with ID can get into the 10 p.m. show (tonight only) for $15.

If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, set your alarm for 10 a.m. Saturday morning, when these shows go on sale …

A man who truly knows what he’s talking about when he sings about taking a “walk on the wild side,” former Velvet Undergrounder Lou Reed brings his enigmatic self to the Electric Factory on Saturday, April 19th. I’d rather see him at the Tower, but this rare glimpse at his weird genius should not be missed. $39.50.

Though Cyndi Lauper is pretty high on my list of people to see, the presence of Rosie O’Donnell, the B-52s, and Carson Kressley with her at the June 13th True Colors charity show at the Borgata makes me want to stay far, far away from Atlantic City that night. $75. (And if you just have to hear “Love Shack” performed live — and I have, and can tell you it’s really not worth it — the B-52s hit the Fillmore at the TLA on April 25th.)

This weekend’s Lewis Black shows at the Borgata are way sold out, but before you overpay online, you should know that the frenetic comedian just announced a May 10th appearance at the Commerce Bank Arts Center in Sewell. $43 to $60.