Philadelphia, Meet Your Future: Philebrity.com’s Greatest Hits


On House of Blues getting $1 million to open a location in Philadelphia, headlined: "House of Blues Hammer Suckles Rendell’s Hairy Bitch Tit For $1 Million in Taxpayer Milk":

I guess fat no-neck white people and their dreadful cracker offspring have to go somewhere for bacon double cheeseburgers and Coors Lite after a hard day in line for the Liberty Bell. But geez Louise, can’t Danny Aykroyd’s bluesy TGI Fridays cover their own start-up costs by now?

On the citywide smoking ban:

Oh, how he wanted to pull the fuck-you move. It seeped from every pore. He wanted it badly. But in the end, whatever John Street’s major malfunction was with Michael Nutter and his half-assed smoking ban, it was not enough to weather the shitstorm, apparently, that would come from not signing it. So that’s it. Street signed it, and hey, not for nothing, that clicking sound? It’s the first creak of the Lame Duck.

On a city forum discussing the future of Center City, and where the Gallery fits in:

Here’s a chin-scratcher for you: What’s the best way to cater to a white, monocultured tourist demographic that wants to shop in Philadelphia, but also in all of the exact same stores and environments as they do at home? It’s a question that was danced around yesterday at a forum on "The Future of Center City." Not many answers here, folks, other than 1) apparently Walnut Street, Old City and South Street are seemingly just too far for these fat fuck fannypackers to walk (as all are viable, energetic retail districts) and 2) THE GALLERY is BLACK and SCARY!

Not welcoming. Got it. Now all of you: Get the fuck out of my office. And don’t come back until you’re prepared to talk about race, the Disney hole and attracting businesses like grown-ups.

On gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann, headlined "Lynn Swann Is A Dissembling Weasel":

No wonder his handlers have deemed that, whenever possible, black Republican gubernatorial candidates should be seen and not heard. Preferably smiling—y’know, like a lawn jockey. Or Aunt Jemima — everybody LOVES Aunt Jemima. Or perhaps they’re just honoring the cardinal rule of scary moviemaking: If you’re [sic] monster isn’t very scary, never let the audience actually see it. Case in point, asked directly a few moments ago on Radio Times if he favored an increase in the minimum wage, he sputtered and dissembled and smiled. But you can’t hear a smile on the radio. So he reaches deep into his pocket and like a desperate man in a phone booth relieved to find a quarter, he pulls out a lint-covered Bushco talking point: If we raise the minimum wage, rich white people may not want to come to our state and exploit our labor force. And that, of course, would hurt families. And Lynn Swann is AGAINST hurting families. What a fuckin’ prince.

On Inky columnist Monica Yant Kinney’s two cents for New Jersey’s new slogan:

Monica Yant Kinney weighs the results of her own search for a new NJ state slogan against the $260K ad-wizard version. Their winner: "New Jersey: We’ll win you over." Monica’s: "New Jersey: Everything you’ve heard is true." But we kind of have to wonder if anybody at the Inky bothered to cut it a little closer to the bone and say something like, oh, say: "New Jersey: We Changed Our Whole Newspaper To Cater To Shitass White-Flighters Like You And This Is The Thanks We Get?"

Guess not.