The 10 Stupid Internet News Stories I Keep Reading

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Shutterstock.com

The news of the world as brought to me via the Internet tends to be a roundup of humans doing seriously stupid things. And you know what? As I read through the stories that such forums as Gawker, Jezebel, Philly.com and the Huffington Post see fit to dish up to me, I’m beginning to feel an inescapable sense of been there, read that.

Didn’t I just see this same story a few days ago, in some other publication? Isn’t this the third time this month I read that same damn thing? I mean, how many times are you people going to drop shit off subway platforms and then jump down onto the tracks to get them? When another one of you does that, it isn’t news. It’s just déjà vu all over again.

And for this, I’m paying $460 a month to keep every member of my nuclear family tied to the Internet at every waking moment? Think of all the fun stuff I could do with $460 a month if I weren’t giving it to Comcast and Verizon.

Which gave me an idea.

The following is a brief list of Stupid Stuff You People Keep On Doing. If you stop doing these stupid things, there won’t be any news, and the Internet will close down, and I can use my $460 a month to go to Tahiti. So hey, what do you say?

1. Stop punishing women for breastfeeding in public. Oh, no, you didn’t actually do this again, did you? At a country music concert? Oh yes you did. Read more »

Bucks County Coroner: Corpse Fell Onto Street Because Truck Was Old

A photo started circling around social media late Friday afternoon showing a dead body sitting on a gurney in the middle of Street Road (warning: link contains giant photo) in Feasterville, Bucks County, about a mile from the Philadelphia border. Well, the story was not a hoax, and now the Bucks coroner is explaining why the body fell out.

At fault, Coroner Dr. Joseph Campbell says, was an old transport truck with 80,000 miles on it. The 2002 Chevrolet was actually scheduled to be taken out of service later this month. Campbell explained in detail how this happened: The locking mechanism securing the gurney came loose, thanks to years of wear. The gurney then stuck a hatchback handle which was supposed to be disabled. But, over time, the screws locking the hatchback handle in place became worn and when the gurney hit it on Friday, the back door popped open.

“It was a horrible thing,” Campbell said. “I can’t tell you how upset I was. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t make this up.” The body was of a young woman who is suspected to have died of a drug overdose.

Read more »

Grief Over Fire Triggers Massive Protest

This is how it looked last night: Like the bad old days.

As many as 200 Southwest Philly protesters massed outside a neighborhood firehouse Monday night — several people were arrested — saying that fire crews took 30 minutes to respond to Saturday’s fatal blaze that gutted eight homes and killed four small children. In an evening press conference, city officials said the first responders were on the scene within five minutes of the fire being reported.

Read more »

Marriage Is Not the Solution to Violence Against Women

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Shutterstock.com

And now, for the week in ridiculous.

A headline in the Washington Post reads, without a hint of irony: “One way to end violence against women? Married dads.”

When the #YesAllWomen hashtag took off on Twitter in response to the UC-Santa Barbara shooting, women took to their keyboards to share their experience with violence. In a Department of Justice report done on the prevalence, incidence and consequences of violence against women, “51.9 percent of surveyed women [said] they were physically assaulted as a child by an adult caretaker and/or as an adult by any type of attacker.”  Twenty-two percent of surveyed women reported that they’d been physically assaulted “by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, or date in their lifetime.”

Read more »

I Miss White Bread

Photo | Shutterstock.com

Photo | Shutterstock.com

Poor bread.

Nobody wants to eat it anymore. It’s full of carbs. And gluten. It’s made from wheat.

I’m not talking fancy-ass bread, the kind that comes in the extra-cost “bread service” at elite restaurants these days, made from spelt and oats and black rice and seaweed, served with anchovy-tamarind-apricot spread. I’m talking white bread, the fluffy stuff that used to be a given at the start of any meal out and a staple of the home dinner table. That you ate with butter, not a plate of extra virgin olive oil pocked with herbs.

I miss white bread. Read more »

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