Joining the great pantheon of E! reality stars—a group that includes such luminaries as the Kardashians, Kevin Jonas, and Ice and Coco—is Ryan Lochte, thanks to E!’s latest project, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?. Yes, that Ryan Lochte: the swimmer who won seven medals at the 2012 Olympics. The man that continues to inflict the nonsensical word “jeah” on the world.
With tweets like “How do u make your dreams come true? By the mirror on the wall!! #jeah” and “Rocks, paper, siccor……..” he seems right at home on the network. Unfortunately, his new show—which premiered last night—is neither dumb enough to make it enjoyable, nor smart enough to make it worth watching
But, you may ask, what would Ryan Lochte do? Well, according to the first few episodes, he does a lot of impromptu non-impromptu things and says some amazingly stupid stuff. Here are some highlights:
1. “These are my shoes that I designed from top to the very sole to the very top to the bottom. Laces.”
2. “I’ve talked in front of … like… a lot of big business people about stuff I didn’t even know.”
3. “One of my favorite movies: What Women Want.”
4. “It’s spelled J-E-A-H. If you say it like how it’s spelled it’s ‘jee-ah.’ But, that’s boring; no one wants to hear that. So you have to really put that emphatis [sic] on that ‘J.’ And then the ‘A-H’ kinda just flows.”
5. “That’s the quickest way to my heart: Laughter.”
6. “One time I really had to go, man, and I was up in the next heat. So I got up on the blocks and I just started peeing in my Speedo. On top of the blocks. And I had my goggles on and started crying because I thought everyone behind me was looking at me and laughing. The starter said ‘Swimmers, take your marks, go.’ I took off. I don’t even know if I did the right stroke. I think that was probably the only time I’ve ever been nervous before a race.”
7. Either Lochte (or the producer who came up with it) should be punched for calling his group of friends the “Lochterage” (rhymes with entourage).
8. “One thing I won’t do: I won’t give up on love.”
9. “The key to the Lochte haircut is being fresh and looking up-to-date.”
10. “Something will pop up in my head. It could be like the weirdest thing. Like all’a sudden like I have like a jumping banana in my head. And I stop and pause. I’m like that damn jumping banana is in my head. Like, I don’t know what’s going on.”
11. “You know what? Ryan Lochte is a pretty good speechmaker.”