In today’s hyperactively digital world, it has been said that if you don’t have a website, you don’t exist. So I wonder if the converse is true — if you have a website, you do exist.

If so, this presents an interesting quandary for the likes of David Cohen and W. Thacher Longstreth, two of recent history’s most beloved members of City Council, who are both quite deceased but who still have active web pages on the city’s website, phila.gov. You can even send an e-mail to Cohen through his site, though I tried and am still awaiting a response.

Councilman-At-Large W. Thacher Longstreth
Councilman-At-Large David Cohen

While city-favorite fright fest Terror Behind the Walls at Eastern State Penitentiary bills itself as “not for the faint of heart” (excretory events happen daily, claims ESP program director Sean Kelly), we found a recent tour to be more family fun than Depends-worthy. To help you max out the sometimes meager fear factor, we present this DIY ghastliness guide:

1. Try to walk slowly so you’re not on top of the people in front of you — they’ll ruin the surprises.

2. Add to the atmosphere by screaming your loudest for the first few jump-out-at-you ghouls — you won’t react as strongly after you begin to anticipate their hiding spots.

3. For extra sadistic fun, bring 13-year-old girls as bait. When a ghoul begins to terrorize one of the tweens, make sure you yell her name — loudly. If the ghoul is as clever as the one we met, he’ll pick up on the tip and chase her, chanting “Runnnnnn, Caitlyn, runnnnnn …,” until she hides in a corner, attempting the fetal position.

4. Go slowly through the Rotunda and other parts where the fake sets fade and you can see the bones of the real prison, which is flat-out spooky without actors or fog machines, and even spookier at night.

5. Listen to the taunts the ghouls yell at you, because some are truly genius — like a lady warden who yelled, in perfect Napoleon Dynamite pitch, “Tina, eat the ham!”

6. Get some coupons, because the most frightening part of the experience is how bad they gouge you on the ticket price: $25 on Friday, $30 on Saturday. It’s only $20 during the week, but who goes then? (There’s a coupon you can print from ESP’s website good from tonight through the end of the season on Saturday.) Yes, yes, all the money is dedicated to the upkeep of the historic prison — but the bite’s still as bad as Dracula’s. — Jessica Remo

Open 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. tonight through Friday night, till midnight on Saturday; www.easternstate.org.