Top Chef Recap: Because Wylie

 wylieTC

With no Quickfire and no Cheftestants being sent home last week, there was little to recap. But still, here’s a brief rundown of the highlights:

–A family member of each Cheftestant shows up in the kitchen. Everybody cries.
Kapnos’s father eats an oyster for the first time. While wearing the same pair of Rustler jeans he’s had since 1984.
Hipster Urkel continues to self-destruct.

The main takeaway is that Skrillex has emerged as the true dark horse, winning the challenge and an automatic entry into the final.

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Top Chef Recap: Restaurant Wars And The Aftermath

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Did you miss me? Maybe you were just too busy eating leftovers or participating in a die-in? Well, if you’ve gotten that white guilt out of your system, maybe now we can return to our normal lives of complaining about things like bagel places that give you a tiny little tub of cream cheese instead of spreading it on your bagel for you. More importantly, we can talk about Top Chef.

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Top Chef Episode 6 Recap: A Very Top Chef Thanksgiving

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Since we have to wait two weeks until the inevitable disaster that is Restaurant Wars, I decided to hold off a bit on this recap so you could avoid the Top Chef shakes (guys, don’t tell my editor, but I’m actually just a lazy sonofabitch who failed to get to this until now-ish. Sorry, Jason.).

But anyway, the holidays are upon us! So what does that mean in Top Chef TV-land? That’s right! Thanksgiving in the middle of the summer. And since, apparently, outfitting the cheftestants with old-timey elephant guns and sending them on a turkey shoot was disallowed by the lawyers and insurance adjustors, what do we end up with? Right again! A cranberry bog race.

You guys are smart.

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Top Chef Episode 4 Recap: Cooking Your Way In The World Today Takes Everything You Got…

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Okay, I take it back. Grissom’s not gonna sleep with Keriann. He’s gonna sleep with Katsuji. Hate turns into love faster than you can burn bacon, or so I’m told. I’m a marginal cook at best, certainly nowhere near this crop of cheftestants, who get to cook at Cheers for this week’s quickfire. Doug, the little guy, thinks that one of the most highly rated sitcoms in the history of sitcoms was based in Chicago because people had moustaches (is he confusing Ted Danson with Tom Selleck?). At the risk of aging myself, this—along with their sense of entitlement and their general being younger than me-ness—is what’s wrong with millenials.

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Top Chef Episode 3 Recap: Tea Ballin’

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Sorry for the delay on this one, folks. I had a real tough time tracking down my “Sexy Bowl of Ramen” Halloween costume for my weekend’s festivities. But enough about my First World struggles–let’s get to the topic of today’s discussion: this season’s class of hopeful young (and one bitter old) cheftestants.

Episode 3 begins with some residual bickering between Keriann and Grissom. Turns out Grissom has an 8 Mile story about his childhood and that’s why he acts like an adult-sized baby and secretly loves Keriann. These two are definitely going to sleep together before the season’s over. It’s only a question of when…

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Top Chef Episode 2 Recap: Surf (And Turf’s) Up!

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Okay, you can throw last week’s racing form out the window. My snap judgments didn’t exactly hold (rather similar to Aaron Grissom’s bourbon onion “jam,” but more on that later…).

We have learned some very new and exciting things about the cheftestants, like the fact Sarah McLachlan superfan, James Rigato, has a PATRICK SWAYZE tattoo. Not sure I would have gone for The Outsiders (I’m more of a Point Break guy), but stay gold, cheffy boy.

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Top Chef Boston, Episode 1: The Handicapper’s Recap

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The Top Chef Handicaper’s Recap:

Because I’m super thorough and one hell of a researcher, I’m arming myself with only the premiere of Top Chef Boston to handicap the cheftestants’ odds of winning and make snap judgments based on their looks. If you sat through Richard Blais’ maiden voyage as judge (good for him) and tried to see who’s who on your own, perhaps we can have ourselves a dialogue in the comments (or you could tell me how worthless this recap is–internet’s free if you have a library card). For now though, let’s take a look at the field, none of whom will be representing our fair city (closest thing we got is a birth certificate from Coatesville) this season (sucks to your assmar, Bravo).

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