A few months back, Milwaukee pulled a Philly and erected a statue in honor of the famous fictitious hero who best embodies the spirit of that city: Arthur Fonzarelli. But while Wisconsin may lay claim to the King of Cool, we’re happy to pit our Italian Stallion against the Bronze Fonz in a fight to the finish for cultural superiority. (Ding!) — Victor Fiorillo
The Fonz: 5’6”. Rocky: 12’10”.
Winner: The Fonz. Bigger is almost always better when it comes to statues, but Milwaukee gets points for a life-size Fonzie who’s photo-op friendly. In shots with the Rock, your head is in his crotch.
The Fonz: 250 lbs. Rocky: 1,300 lbs.
Winner: Rocky. About as unfair as Ivan Drago vs. Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. (RIP, Apollo.)
The Fonz: Whippersnapper.
Rocky: A quarter-century of wear and tear.
Winner: Rocky. In art, as in celluloid, you don’t get old … you get classic.
The Fonz: Outside a chain brewpub in downtown Milwaukee. Rocky: The Art Museum steps. Then the Spectrum. Then the Art Museum steps. Then an Art Museum closet. And now, Eakins Oval, just off the Art Museum steps.
Winner: Rocky. Even though the hubbub over his location shows how silly Philadelphians can get, we still only lose this one if we put him outside an Applebee’s.
The Fonz: A popular greaser in 1950s Wisconsin eventually finds success as a co-owner at the hoppin’ Arnold’s Diner while juggling countless girlfriends, all hot. Rocky: An ugly, grimy boxer in an ugly, grimy city with an ugly, pet-store-smelling girlfriend claims the World Heavyweight belt.
Winner: Close call here. The Fonz’s achievements are more desirable — but everyone loves an underdog. Rocky wins.
Quotes you’ll hear from the tourists
The Fonz: “Aaayyy.”
Winner: Fonzie. His catchphrase has many more practical applications.
The Fonz: Two thumbs raised in greeting, in painted bronze. Comic. Rocky: Two arms raised in victory, in bare bronze. Iconic.
(And sorry, Fonz — there ain’t gonna be no rematch.)