Your time is precious. Here are five stellar ways to consider spending it …

• The egotistical and extraordinary Kanye West brings his critically acclaimed Glow in the Dark Tour to the Susquehanna Center on Saturday night. There’s not a single seat left in the house, but you should be able to find something on Craigslist, and Sherry’s Tickets on 15th street has 18th row from the stage for about $150 each (215-561-5544). If you get there early, you’ll have to sit through Lupe and Rihanna, which you might not care to do.

• Also egotistical and extraordinary but in a less cool way, FBI-raided illusionist David Copperfield will inspire awe and female swooning at the Academy all weekend. I’ve seen him a couple of times and, although he’s likely to do the same tricks as before, I’m going again, which says something about either the quality of his work or my lack of a social calendar.

• Like books? The Free Library’s Second Annual Book Festival has lots of ’em, and their authors, too. Look for headliners Barbara Walters and Bernadette Peters (who apparently has a book out) in addition to Philly Mag contributors Ben Wallace (The Billionaire’s Vinegar: The Mystery of the World’s Most Expensive Bottle of Wine) and Vicki “World’s Most Hated Mom” Glembocki (The Second Nine Months: One Woman Tells the REAL Truth About Becoming a Mom).

• As if the Italian Market isn’t overcrowded enough, it’s the 9th Street Italian Market Festival this Saturday and Sunday. Sounds like it’s a lot less Italian than it used to be, sort of like South Philly itself. I’ll be grabbing a meatball sandwich (or maybe some tamales if the tamale lady is around), hopefully some homemade wine (shhhh!) and catching a set by the thoroughly non-Italian Black Landlord, one of my favorite Philly bands (they perform 3 p.m. on Sunday).

• If you’re shorebound, you’ll find that Chris Rock at the Borgata is sold out, Jim Breuer (fellow SNL alum, also at the Borgata) is not, and then there’s ’80s pop star Deborah Gibson, whose show is actually supposed to be pretty entertaining if you’re into the whole pop-meets-Broadway conceit. If you are, $25 tickets are available, and be sure to check out my interview with Ms. Gibson.

New York Times bestselling author Augusten Burroughs just released a new book, A Wolf at the Table: A Memoir of My Father. But while his oddly comedic Running With Scissors amused a hefty following of voyeurs — and scored a movie deal starring Annette Bening and Gwyneth Paltrow and, oh yeah, elicited charges of fabrication — Burroughs’s latest chronicle carries a darker tone. We talked to him about reliving memories, writing about the past and being called a liar. Catch him at the Free Library this Saturday. — Cheryl McEvoy

The new book — about your distant, alcoholic father — is being touted as a much more serious book than Running With Scissors. Do you think fans will miss the laughs?
I think some fans will and others will embrace the tone. A lot of people don’t have great fathers. The statistics on abuse are just incredible … But it’s a darker book, it’s a more intense book … It was just bald earnestness. I think some people may shake this book and say, “Hey, the funny’s broken,” but I think far more people will relate to it.

Are you trying to give people hope?
A good memoir, I believe, is when you come across a passage that explains exactly how you felt, it makes you feel like you’re not alone in the world and immediately connected … But I always write for myself. I don’t write what I think readers will like. And people nod at the truth.

Your new memoir is already being scrutinized for falsified facts. How do you deal with that?
Frankly, I welcome the scrutiny … I think [fabrication] cheapens the memoir, especially for people who are trying to write about their experiences and the truth. I think the press, what they do is miss the forest and the trees and just look at the bark. Like “You said you wore blue pants, but we called the manufacturer, and they only make the pants in brown and green.” But I have a good memory … I’ve had a crazy life — I don’t need to make things up.

Your website contains pictures from your childhood. Kinda eerie, actually. Do you find it hard to put your life on display?
It’s counterintuitive, but I don’t — only because I’ve written so many memoirs. There are stories I wish I hadn’t wrote … But for every [story], people come up to me and say “Me too, me too, me too.” Some people see me as a freak, but some people relate to it. People are very embracing of honesty.

Any regrets? Do you feel like you’re exploiting people from your childhood?
I don’t regret anything I’ve written. I regret the way I come off sometimes. There’s a distinction there … Whenever you write about family, you accept the risk that they may lash out. You don’t know how people will respond. But I feel I have the right to write about my life. What makes it worth it is getting to that human truth.

How do you deal with the emotions that bubble up when you’re writing?
It can be harrowing. Writing A Wolf at the Table was a very physical process. It was draining. My hands were cold and shaking like I was outside. I spent many years of my life trying to avoid discomfort and to avoid memories, but you just have to fly into like a hurricane. My memory is a double-edged sword — I can remember being eight months old … but the memories are also very vivid. When I’m writing, I don’t leave the house if I don’t have to. Maybe it’s my nature from when I used to drink — I become consumed by it until it’s done. And then I don’t write at all.

$25 a laugh … Three hundred and twenty-five bucks to see Billy Crystal at the Borgata? Sheesh. I always knew I was in the wrong line of work, but this is ridiculous. Should your pockets not run quite so deep but you still need a few laughs, master impersonator Frank Caliendo — also at the Borgata — comes in at a much more reasonable $39.50. Both gentlemen perform Friday and Saturday night, as does Jimmy Shubert (King of Queens, Comedy Central Presents …), whose Helium shows will set you back a mere $30 for a reserved seat ($25 unreserved).

Both gay but in totally different ways … And now from the department of Back from the Dead, I give you the Moody Blues, who are unique in that they achieved success while completely eluding coolness, on any level. The Tower seems like the perfect place for a little “Nights in White Satin.” I do hope they recite the poem at the end — you know: “Breathe deep the gathering gloom …” But it’s my birthday, and the Moody Blues are far too serious for birthday galavanting. Perhaps the B-52s at the Electric Factory will do the trick. The Blues and the Bs both play tonight, so if you are part of the nonexistent demographic that would have a hard time choosing which of the two shows to attend, I guess you have something thinking to do.

A little local talent … Saxman Bootsie Barnes blows at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight. Folksy Linda Cohen, who was something at one time, sees if she still is with a Sunday gig at Tin Angel. And for those who like their music loud and jumpy, punk/funk Black Landlord takes the Khyber on Saturday.

My boss made me do it … All the old guys in my office talk about former Inquirer columnist Steve Lopez, who apparently was at one time the great savior of Philadelphia journalism. Steve Lopez this, Steve Lopez that. And it’s always “Steve Lopez,” full name. Never “Steve” or “Lopez,” which in this business is a level of respect afforded to few. It kind of feels like when my dad gets all teary-eyed over Tom Landry. Anyway, Steve Lopez recently wrote a book called The Soloist, about a homeless musical genius in Los Angeles, which Steve Lopez now calls home. And it sounds like Steve Lopez is doing all right for himself, since they’re now making a movie of the book starring Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. Not too shabby. On Saturday, my boss — Larry Platt — will drool over interview Steve Lopez about all of this at the Free Library.

From drag queens to Orwell … Lots of new plays to consider. The short list: Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Latvian Society (reviewed by our new critic, MB Case); Animal Farm at Mum Puppettheatre (the Inquirer called it “just right”); and Bug by Tracy Letts, who just won the 2008 Pulitzer for drama, at Christ Church.

And for the little terrors … Seems like a perfect weekend to visit Longwood Gardens, where spring is out of hand. On Saturday, they debut three brand-new tree houses — Lookout Loft, Canopy Cathedral, and the Birdhouse — with lots of educational activities for your budding arborist, though I might steer them more in the direction of “tree surgeon,” given the price that this guy quoted me recently to save my dying tree. (I cut it down with a chainsaw.)

You know the country is in dire straits when most of your friends are going to election return parties. If you just can’t figure out what to wear to such an event and would prefer to avoid it altogether, I give you …

• Why watch the talking heads on TV when one of the best is at the Free Library tonight? Cokie Roberts should have a few things to say, other than just about her new book, Ladies of Liberty: The Women Who Shaped Our Nation. $7 to $14; 8 p.m.

• Politically minded French ska/swing/punk/reggae 10-piece Babylon Circus at World Cafe Live. They are lots of fun, and Communist sympathizers to boot! $25 to $35; 7:30 p.m.

• First Person Arts presents its monthly Story Slam at L’Etage. Think of a poetry slam, but one where you get up and tell a true story about yourself corresponding to the theme, which this month is “An Awkward Pause.” If you’re too shy to tell a story, sign up to be a judge. Get there early — these normally sell out. $5 to $10; 8:30 p.m.

In case you missed it, here’s Senator Arlen Specter’s painful standup routine from D.C.’s Improv Comedy Club. He probably won’t be doing quite as much joking tonight at the Free Library, where he’ll be talking about his new book, Never Give In: Battling Cancer in the Senate. Admission is free and seating is first come, first served. 7 p.m.

IT’S FUN TO HATE
I’m guessing that no one told Karl Rove that most of the city’s radical types live in West Philadelphia before he agreed to speak tonight at Penn’s Irvine Auditorium. Look for lots of big guys in suits with little earpieces keeping their eyes on things. Turns out that the Evildoer’s appearance is sold out, though tickets are popping up here and there on Craigslist for as little as $5. I guess some Penn coed realized that tonight is also the season premiere of America’s Next Top Model.

EXCESSIVE MUMMERY
In case you just can’t wait another 315 days for your dose of that embarrassing Philadelphia pastime, the Free Library hosts not one but two Mummers book authors, photographer E.A. Kennedy (Life, Liberty and the Mummers) and Patricia Anne Masters (The Philadelphia Mummers: Building Community Through Play), plus an appearance by the Fralinger String Band (pictured). If only Two Street were part of the deal. But hey, it’s free.

For those who actually care that today is Presidents’ Day …

Family fun at Valley Forge, complete with marching soldiers and birthday cake for George (Martha’s recipe, of course); presidential artifacts (including locks of their hair, we’re told) at the Academy of Natural Sciences; Lincoln-era grub and stovepipe hat-making at Doylestown’s Mercer Museum; and Longwood Gardens stretches it in a big way, offering a Washington impersonator who will, um, discuss gardening.

For everyone else …

The White Dog hosts two of the Lost Boys of the Sudan for dinner and conversation; handsome Polish-Hungarian pianist Piotr Anderszewski (pictured), whose name is almost as hard to comprehend as his talent, joins the Chamber Music Society at the Kimmel for Bach and Schumann; G-Town Radio presents and discusses Shame of a City, Tigre Hill’s documentary about the 2003 Philadelphia mayoral debacle; Pennsylvania congressman Patrick Murphy talks about his new book at the Constitution Center, though I’d be more interested in hearing him try to explain how the superdelegates (of which he is one) are not going to totally screw up this primary; and Pulitzer-winning illustrator Art Spiegelman (The New Yorker, Maus) heads to Penn.

And if all that is just way too intellectually stimulating for you on a what I hope is a vacation day, there’s always the appropriately named Karaoke That Doesn’t Suck party upstairs at the Khyber .

I guess some people do have a bit of disposable income … Not so long ago, the idea of driving to Atlantic City for a concert not featuring an almost-dead person was absurd. But tonight alone you’ve got Carrie Underwood/Keith Urban at Boardwalk Hall and Alanis/Matchbox Twenty at the Borgata, both of which are utterly sold out, though your friendly neighborhood scalper is surely well-stocked. Should you prefer to see the almost-dead, the the Commodores are at Trump Plaza. Well, actually, it’s the Commodores without Lionel Richie,, so I’m not sure what you call that, other than totally not worth the $50 ticket price.

Won’t this false holiday ever end? … It’s possible that you, like a lot of people, don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s Day because you know that’s for suckers. So I asked Philly Mag super-intern Andrea Carayiannas (we just call her “Andrea”) to come up with some Valentine-specific suggestions for the sensibly belated among you, and here’s her short list: Hunky New York jazz vocalist Jack Donahue on unrequited love at the Art Museum’s Valentine’s Cabaret; nudity and adult situations abound in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Aspects of Love at Plays & Players; and, uh, for the “knotty couple,” as Andrea puts it, adult-oriented Passional Boutique in Queen Village offers a two-hour “Bound for Pleasure” workshop. Hey, we don’t make the news, we just report it.

Wait a second — it’s not First Friday … In case you feel completely disconnected from the city’s visual art scene, you might want to check out Art Glut, featuring nearly 50 Philly artists. It’s not at PAFA. It’s not at the PMA. It’s not in Old City. It is, of all things, in the South Philly rowhome (aka My House Gallery) of UArts grad Alex Gartelmann. Really. There’s not even a website. Friday 5:30 to 8:30 p.m, Saturday and Sunday 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.; 2534 South 8th Street; 908-370-1656.

Because you need a really good reason to skip out of work a few minutes early today (and you can always blame it on the icy roads that aren’t icy anymore), I give you …

New York Times jazz critic Ben Ratliff on his latest book, Coltrane, about the revolutionary sax player. At Penn’s Kelly Writers House. 5:30 p.m; free.

In case you can’t be quite that spontaneous but still want to keep it in the jazz vein, Philly’s own swingin’ Call Me Crazy plays at Chris’ Jazz Cafe. 9 p.m.; $8.

READINGS
It’s not often that you can go to the Free Library and hear a guy that was on Charlie Rose the night before, but such is the case tonight. Willie Brown, San Francisco’s first African-American mayor, will be talking about his 40 years in politics, his new book, Basic Brown: My Life and Our Times, and, no doubt, that upcoming presidential election. Buy your tickets now ($7-14) or risk being stuck in the simulcast room, which sounds dreadful.

THEATER
Been hearing good buzz about the prospects of Mum Puppettheatre’s new show, The Master and Margarita, based on Mikhail Bulgakov’s novel of the same name. Any story involving the Devil, the former Soviet Union, a ravishing damsel (in distress, of course), and an insane asylum is off to a pretty good start. Opens tomorrow, but there’s a $5 preview tonight.