From Julio to Jay-Z … The talent playing Atlantic City this weekend is truly an absurd mix that spans half a century, crossing many demographics. First you’ve got Julio Iglesias Friday and Saturday at Caesars. I’ve gotta be honest, I have no idea what Julio sings or what the draw is, but he’s said to have played more than 5,000 shows throughout his career, so there must be somebody out there who is his Biggest Fan. Then you’ve got Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige at Boardwalk Hall on Saturday. Unlike the dynamic duo’s recent Philly performance, lots of tickets remain. In a bizarre blast from the past, ex-clothes-shedding Debbie Gibson — oh, sorry, Deborah Gibson (remember her Playboy spread?) — begins a three-week run at Harrah’s on Sunday. And the incomparable-on-so-many-levels Dolly Parton plays her rescheduled (due to, er, back pain) Borgata gig Saturday night. Simultaneously in the Borgata, there’s Tracy Morgan. Even if he just puts 30 Rock re-runs on the projector, its bound to be funny.

And they’re off … Saturday is the 134th Kentucky Derby. Start the day off right at McGillin’s Olde Ale House with $3 mint juleps. If the kids are tagging along, precluding the consumption of copious amounts of bourbon, head to Franklin Square, where Philly’s own equestrian heroes Smarty Jones and Afleet Alex have been immortalized as carousel horses (for $60,000!!!). From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., every kid that rides will receive a first-place ribbon. Finally, everyone actually wins.

At last, a reason to hang out under I-95 … I love Zoe Strauss. Her photography is real Philadelphia: mean, gritty and honest. So there’s no better place for a Zoe Strauss exhibit than in South Philly, under I-95. Front and Mifflin from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. on Sunday. Her work is so real, it’s realer than real. It’s unreal. Just, um, check it out.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you … A lot of people are confused. This Sunday is not Mother’s Day. Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. Which gives you a whole extra week to completely forget. This year, skip the Godiva and opt for John & Kira’s locally made chocolates. You have to order by May 6th for delivery, and you don’t want to send them belated, right?

$25 a laugh … Three hundred and twenty-five bucks to see Billy Crystal at the Borgata? Sheesh. I always knew I was in the wrong line of work, but this is ridiculous. Should your pockets not run quite so deep but you still need a few laughs, master impersonator Frank Caliendo — also at the Borgata — comes in at a much more reasonable $39.50. Both gentlemen perform Friday and Saturday night, as does Jimmy Shubert (King of Queens, Comedy Central Presents …), whose Helium shows will set you back a mere $30 for a reserved seat ($25 unreserved).

Both gay but in totally different ways … And now from the department of Back from the Dead, I give you the Moody Blues, who are unique in that they achieved success while completely eluding coolness, on any level. The Tower seems like the perfect place for a little “Nights in White Satin.” I do hope they recite the poem at the end — you know: “Breathe deep the gathering gloom …” But it’s my birthday, and the Moody Blues are far too serious for birthday galavanting. Perhaps the B-52s at the Electric Factory will do the trick. The Blues and the Bs both play tonight, so if you are part of the nonexistent demographic that would have a hard time choosing which of the two shows to attend, I guess you have something thinking to do.

A little local talent … Saxman Bootsie Barnes blows at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight. Folksy Linda Cohen, who was something at one time, sees if she still is with a Sunday gig at Tin Angel. And for those who like their music loud and jumpy, punk/funk Black Landlord takes the Khyber on Saturday.

My boss made me do it … All the old guys in my office talk about former Inquirer columnist Steve Lopez, who apparently was at one time the great savior of Philadelphia journalism. Steve Lopez this, Steve Lopez that. And it’s always “Steve Lopez,” full name. Never “Steve” or “Lopez,” which in this business is a level of respect afforded to few. It kind of feels like when my dad gets all teary-eyed over Tom Landry. Anyway, Steve Lopez recently wrote a book called The Soloist, about a homeless musical genius in Los Angeles, which Steve Lopez now calls home. And it sounds like Steve Lopez is doing all right for himself, since they’re now making a movie of the book starring Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. Not too shabby. On Saturday, my boss — Larry Platt — will drool over interview Steve Lopez about all of this at the Free Library.

From drag queens to Orwell … Lots of new plays to consider. The short list: Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Latvian Society (reviewed by our new critic, MB Case); Animal Farm at Mum Puppettheatre (the Inquirer called it “just right”); and Bug by Tracy Letts, who just won the 2008 Pulitzer for drama, at Christ Church.

And for the little terrors … Seems like a perfect weekend to visit Longwood Gardens, where spring is out of hand. On Saturday, they debut three brand-new tree houses — Lookout Loft, Canopy Cathedral, and the Birdhouse — with lots of educational activities for your budding arborist, though I might steer them more in the direction of “tree surgeon,” given the price that this guy quoted me recently to save my dying tree. (I cut it down with a chainsaw.)

You’ve gotta love an 82-year-old guy with 14 Grammys, 15 children (supposedly), and a bad case of diabetes who’s still doing his thing. The legendary bluesman gave a “farewell” tour in 2006, but it apparently wasn’t the last — he begins a three-night area engagement this evening. Tickets ($72.50) are sparse but available for tonight’s 7:30 p.m. show at the Keswick (the show there tomorrow is sold out). As for Saturday’s show at the A.C. House of Blues, reserved seating is gone but plenty of general admission standing-room tickets ($43) remain.

This week, guest writer Brian James Kirk steps in with some suggestions on how to (and how not to) hold Monday off for as long as humanly possible …

In case the idea of body paint brings back fond memories of a personal nature … The Blue Man Group still exists? By now, I figured they’d have cashed their checks and started an art commune in North Dakota, suddenly inspired by Dada, post-modernism and the “alternative space” of performance art. But not so. Expect droves of confused ticket-holders to show up at the Wachovia Center tonight, wondering what the hell it is that the group really does on stage. Regardless of what that may be, it has to be more entertaining then the Wachovia’s big Sunday show: Dancing With the Stars — The Tour. Or not.

Yeah, so he’s responsible for “Memories,” but still … If you’ve ever doubted Andrew Lloyd Webber’s prolificness, just look at area theaters. Luckily, you missed Cats last night at the Sovereign Bank Arena in Trenton, but the less-revered Aspects of Love starts tonight at Plays & Players. On Sunday, a few blocks over, Whistle Down the Wind closes at the Merriam. The man probably just wrote three more Tony Award winners while you were trying to get that stupid song out of your head.

Assuming love, in your case, is not dead … As much as you hate to give into Hallmark this Valentine’s Day, you do have a special someone to tend to (and if you don’t, I apologize in advance for making you feel like shit). This time around, send a “till death do us part” message to your sweetie that truly means it. Creepily beautiful Laurel Hill Cemetery presents their Tim Burton take on lasting love: The Love Stories of Laurel Hill, with tales sure to titillate via toe tag. There will be plenty of hot chocolate and red wine, but if you have plans to duck behind a mausoleum and get a little early V-Day play, I suggest extra layers.

Who is it, exactly, that actually finds this guy funny? … The peak of your career was spent playing a gimmicky character on the Drew Carey Show. You could argue that the Late Late Show, which you host on CBS, was a step up, but then I would have to ask you, “Have you actually watched it?” Sorry, Craig Ferguson. Here’s hoping your stand-up tonight at the Keswick is phenomenal … Unless you’ve already changed the channel, viewer, you could save some cash and see Vince Vaughn’s new movie, which opens today. I’ve heard it’s not all that funny, but that new movie about the illegal abortion is probably funnier than Craig Ferguson, so the bar has been set pretty low.

What can I say, I’m a MILF-loving stoner … And there’s always Aaron Lewis of Staind, doing his solo thing tonight and Saturday at the Borgata, but personally, I’d have to opt for staying home and catching up on my Weeds episodes. One day, Mary-Louise Parker. One day.

Yesterday, when I asked a friend what he was doing this weekend, he responded, “There’s really not much going on.” Silly, silly fool … Enjoy.

Girls that have, indeed, gone wild … With sports teams like ours, it’s imperative to have at least one we can root for right now, a team in whom we can rest all our hopes for victory and vindication. To this end, I give you The Philly Roller Girls, wheeled women of every shape and size, with lots of tattoos and attitude, who seek to annihilate everything in their path. On Saturday in Feasterville, our Philthy Britches take on the lovely gals from Baltimore (an obvious joke … have you ever seen Baltimore girls?). If you’ve never been to one of these modernized roller derby matches, they’re a hoot. Totally kid-appropriate if you have a swearing household and don’t have a problem with them seeing a few bruised thighs and trunk-flashes.

Not that kind of g-string … Me, I’m a pianist, so I kind of hate guitar players, simply because they’re always louder and more lusted after than keyboard players. Of course, Eddie Van Halen solved this problem by playing both instruments, but I digress. This weekend, fans of the six-string have Grammy-winner and spaced-out jazz guitarist Bill Frisell (playing with Jamaaladeen Tacuma, a Philly bass force to be reckoned with) at Rutgers, those sickeningly talented (well, most of them) students of the Paul Green School of Rock at the Troc, and, for those of you who like your guitar as loud and distorted as possible, Marilyn Manson eviscerates the Factory. But don’t worry, you’re safe — that one’s diabolically sold out.

(more…)