Deadspin Tells Us Why the Philadelphia Eagles Suck

There are football teams (see: rest of NFC East) whose fans tend not to take criticism lightly. Eagles fans, meanwhile, take a certain sick satisfaction in the crappiness of their squad. Which is why you should all enjoy Deadspin’s Eagles edition of Why Your Team Sucks 2013. Coming in at over 4,000 words–most of it in the form of depressed and angry fan emails–I shall excerpt only the most compelling reasons Drew Magary thinks the Birds blow.

  • Can’t this team find a THIN coach?
  • Vick’s primary receiving targets include DeSean Jackson (who unofficially retired two years ago) and Football Michael Richards. I’d like to see the Eagles try to make it through an entire season without throwing a single forward pass.
  • Michael Vick needs a playbook just to reheat soup.
  • Your typical Eagles fan is a bloated, sweating neckbeard who spends the entire game frowning with his arms crossed, regardless of the score. You know what, Sal from Port Richmond? You are not royalty. The world owes you NOTHING. In fact, it owes you less than nothing.

Former players who suck, according to Deadspin:

  • Freddie Mitchell. In a just world, he drops that 4th and 26 pass. He doesn’t deserve to have that to brag about. Freddie Mitchell was a bag of shit.
  • Todd Pinkston. My children have PlayMobil figurines with thicker legs.

Why the Eagles do not actually suck, according to Deadpsin:

  • I would sit in a tent in the Arctic with an Eagles fan for seven straight weeks before hanging out with a Cowboys or Redskins fan. They’re unbearable.

And finally, why the Eagles suck, according to a Deadspin reader called Doug:

  • Fuck Joe Carter.